Usually I want to have a really nice written blog post and start stressing myself out when it becomes 7:30pm and my page is still blank. This is happening to me tonight.
I’ve learned a lot about self compassion lately and know that it is something I need to practice more often. So tonight, instead of getting mad at myself for not having anything, I am going to explain why I don’t.
I spent all day trying to write a letter to my work asking for accommodations. My mental health has been not great at all lately, and I have been struggling. I have been mostly struggling due to my ADHD diagnosis.
After getting diagnosed with ADHD at 27 years old I was sent to my doctor to talk about medication. I was then put on medication and not given any resources, tips, or an explanation about the diagnosis. Sure, having the answers as to why I acted the way I did my whole life was a breath of fresh air — but that only lasted for about 2 months. Then, the “honeymoon” phase I’ll call it of getting a late diagnosis faded. I started not being able to focus at work, I was becoming more and more reactive, and I was constantly criticizing myself for not being normal.
It has been a really hard road trying to figure out my ADHD by myself. Trying to figure out how to start regulating my emotions after 27 years of being told that I was just too emotional or sensitive is really difficult. Trying to re-wire my brain is hard. It’s especially hard because I burn myself out every single day trying to act as if I’m not struggling. I hold my tears in until my drive home from work. I go into the bathroom to let my ugly tears out.
Trying to cope with a new diagnosis with no idea on where to go is very isolating and depressing. It’s dark, sad, scary, and lonely.
However, I have grown more resilient, courageous, independent, and adaptable because of having to try to figure this out on my own. I have been able to understand myself more because I am taking the time to truly understand how my brain works and finding ways to cope with it in a healthier manner.
I know that I am rambling on for a lot of this post, but the truth is — it took me all day to write a letter and I am exhausted. I want to spend the rest of the night cuddled up with my dogs and my partner. I want to show that I am human. Tonight — I really didn’t have anymore energy to type out a huge post with a lot of content people can learn from. Tonight, I just wanted to be me and accept it as it is.
This picture really captures one of my most prominent ADHD features: clutter. Especially paper.
I love having ADHD because it has blessed me with my curiosity and love to learn. It can, however, be annoying. When I get hyper-focused on a dozen different topics every single month — it can be hard to organize everything AND try to retain all the information.
I have about 20 different notebooks all full of blog ideas, notes from audiobooks, notes from podcasts, research notes, journal entries, and so much more. There are random papers stuffed inside notebooks or journals. It is very chaotic, but so is my brain 85% of the time. This really represents not only what my notes look like… but what my brain looks like on a daily basis as well.
I decided that I needed to clean this out and start fresh.
So on Saturday morning, once I finished my smoothie bowl, coffee, and positive affirmations (my morning ritual) — I got to work. I put on an episode of Franklin (yes, I am 28 years old and I still love my morning cartoons) and started creating two piles with the papers. I had one pile that was for garbage, and another pile that was full of things I scanned over and thought might have some good content for a future blog post.
That night, I went through the papers I decided were worth keeping, and I found something that really stood out to me.
Awhile back I started listening to an audiobook called “Best Self” by Mike Bayer. I have not finished the audiobook (just like every other audiobook I start basically) but, I did get through some of the first chapters. I remember really enjoying his voice, which helped me stay super focused when I listened to it.
I found some old notes that were labelled:
Chapter 4: Identifying Your Obstacles
Followed by this question:
What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life?
This week, I want to share my answers I wrote. It’s raw, it’s vulnerable, and it’s basically like a journal/diary entry… so it’s real.
What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life?
One fear that has held me back from making changes in my life is the fear of what others will think of me. I get worried that if I make drastic changes in my life, people will talk behind my back and treat me different. My fear of what others will think of me has stopped me many times from making changes to become my true self.
Another fear that I have is the fear of getting hurt. I tend to try and predict what will happen in my future by remembering parts of my past and assuming it’ll happen again. There are times I live in this state of fear and start preparing for the next bad thing to happen instead of living in the moment.
Another fear that has stopped me is the fear of failure. I get scared to do something new, something bold, something hard, or something outside of my comfort zone. The fear of failing at something has stopped me from writing, forming new friendships, and new hobbies. I feel unworthy of doing whatever it is I am trying to do instead of looking at failure as opportunity to learn.
Another fear that has stopped me from making changes is the fear of the unknown. I think to myself “I may not be as happy as I want to be BUT what happens if I make more changes and nothing happens or it gets worse?” The fear of not knowing if the changes I am making are going to positively or negatively impact me… scares the shit out of me.
Another fear that has stopped me is the fear of being alone. The fear of being alone has caused me to remain in toxic relationships longer than I should have. Sometimes, I want to stand up for what I believe in but get scared no one will stand with me through it. I get scared I will be alone if I make changes to become my true self.
Reading these now I am really proud of myself. The amount of growth that I see in me is actually really dang cool. I have gone from someone who has pointed out flaws in everyone else but myself — to someone who’s able to see areas in my life I want to work on and approach them with compassion.
I have also realized that I am missing two things I fear most. The fears that has caused me to miss out on so many things in life and make changes that were necessary. The fears that have disconnected me from people and have stopped me from standing up for what I believe in.
The fear of vulnerability and the fear of being rejected.
I am learning lately that I am more scared of vulnerability and rejection than I am of sharks (and if you know me well, you know how terrified I am of them).
My fear of vulnerability and rejection has stopped me from making changes in my life so I could feel like I belonged. I’ve made different personas for different social groups so I could feel acceptance, love, and belonging. I have moulded myself into so many different groups JUST so I could avoid rejection and being vulnerable.
By trying to shape myself into different personalities at different times, I have lost my sense of autonomy. I forget who I am, what I like, what my values are, and what I will and will not put up with.
I have avoided rejection and vulnerability in order to bring me connection, love, and belonging BUT — what I have learned is, it does the opposite. The more I run away from these fears, the more I run towards loneliness, emptiness, and disconnection.
To be vulnerable, I have to be able to accept the fact that I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. I need to be open to mistakes and learning from them instead of beating myself up for being human.
When I choose to not allow my fears to take over (although I want to throw up at first), afterwards, I feel so at awe. I’m realizing now that the more I allow myself to be vulnerable, the less lonely, empty, isolated, and disconnected I feel. The more I open up to the people that deserve to hear my story brings me the connection and belongingness that I need.
I know that with more practice, patience, and self-love I will become an expert like Brené Brown on vulnerability. I will overcome my fear of not being my true self in front of everyone. I will overcome my fear of vulnerability.
I highly recommend watching this video! Brené Brown has opened my eyes so much on a lot of topics, especially vulnerability.
Vulnerability is scary, and it bring out a lot of emotions I am no where near comfortable with yet. But, the more I learn, and the more I teach about it, the better I get at it. The more I talk about how scared of vulnerability I am, the more vulnerable I become, and the less scared I become. The more I remind myself that with every rejection comes a lesson — the easier it gets when the rejection happens.
I am comfortable with being terrified of sharks for the rest of my life. What I am not okay with is allowing my fears of rejection and vulnerability to block connection, love, and belonging from my life.
The Pink Rose Diary 