Tag: self improvement

Emotions Overload

thepinkrosediary

August 7th… I completely broke down.

My emotions completely took over my mind, and body.

Disgust with the chores that have to be done around the house.

Anxiety about all the little things that need to get done before baby Isabella arrives.

Guilt for doing a puzzle instead of checking items off my to do list. 

Worry about whether or not I would be a good enough mom. 

Overwhelm due to not being able to explain how I was feeling.

Helpless because all I could do was cry.

I just broke. 

I felt every emotion, and every emotion so intensely. 

I express most of my emotions through tears. I’m sad? I cry. I’m angry? I cry. I feel overwhelmed? I cry. I’m overjoyed? I cry. 

So when they all come at once, you can only imagine the amount of tears that came. It wasn’t the cute cry that can happen when I’m watching a sad movie, or feeling love so strong that tears come — it was a full on ugly, intense cry. Tears were streaming down my face mixed in with an abnormal amount of snot coming from my nose. I couldn’t stop. Hyperventilating started and my chest got blotchy. I started sweating profusely and could barely get a word out in-between blowing my nose and trying to catch my breath.

I told my fiancé that I felt overwhelmed with everything that we had to do before the baby comes. He instantly got up and started doing things in order to relieve some of those emotions for me. The thing was when he started to move around the house — I felt even more overwhelmed. There was so much I wanted to get done I didn’t know where to start. I couldn’t sit down and make a plan because that felt too overwhelming as well. 

So instead of accomplishing any chores or tasks of the to-do-list, I just cried.

My fiancé got me a coffee, my computer, and some water while I started to calm down. He reminded me we just need to take one day at a time, and one task at a time. We decided it was for the best that we both took a breather and when we were feeling more relaxed and in a calmer state, we would make a plan. 

…

I have been working on healing for quite sometime now. This includes figuring out who I am, why I say, do, and act the way that I do, and finding out who I want to be.

Looking back at my breakdown reminds me of something I have learned about during this healing process. A lot of my actions and reactions stem from childhood. The way I handle how I react to big emotions stem from childhood. You see, when I was a baby or a young kid… I was pretty innocent. I had a huge imagination, I would sing and dance without a care in the world, I would ask questions that were on my mind, and I would take in the environment around me.

When we are at a young age, we don’t have the capacity to understand emotions and feelings. We feel them, of course, but to understand what they are telling us is beyond our capacity of knowledge at such a young age. We do, however, feel them and remember the feelings. We then are taught how to cope with the emotion we are experiencing either intentionally, or unintentionally. 

For instance, when big emotions occurred for me when I was a child — I was pushed away. I was told to be quiet and be thankful for everything that I have. I was told by caregivers, and other adults that they were the adult and what they said goes. I was told not to make a scene. I was told I was being selfish. I was told by my caregiver “I’ll give you something to cry about.” 

I was being asked to make myself smaller and ignore these intense feelings that were coming up as if they would never occur again. I wasn’t sat down and talked through how to cope with them in a healthy way. I wasn’t reminded that big emotions happen to every single person on earth and that it’s okay to feel them. I wasn’t taught that talking about how I felt would help me understand the situation better. I wasn’t encouraged to feel my emotions, rather, I was taught to push them away and not show them.

The thing about this is that it carried on throughout my whole life. I’m 29 years old and still struggle to regulate my emotions. When the same feelings I experienced as a child come up, I feel them in my body, and then respond to them the same way I saw when I was just a kid.

I will go quiet, as if trying to shut out my emotions because I believe they aren’t supposed to be felt. I can hyperventilate until I’m almost puking because I’ve tried so hard not to feel the emotion that it has start to overtake my body. I will push whoever is close to me away because comfort was something that was foreign to me and it doesn’t feel safe when someone offers it. I will start talking negatively to myself. I’ll tell myself other people have it harder than I do, so I shouldn’t be upset. I’ll tell myself I’m being selfish. I’ll tell myself I’m not normal for feeling the way that I do. I isolate myself. I disassociate from everything and everyone. I do all of this because it’s all I know.

I do this because it’s what I saw and was taught to do as a child. Not out of lack of love or not caring about me. I was taught this because it’s the tools that the people that helped raise me had. Growing up they weren’t shown empathy or compassion when they experienced big emotions, either. They were told the same things that they eventually started to tell me. It’s generational trauma that will keep going until someone decides to stop it.

This scares me a lot when I think about raising a child. I worry that my big emotions will show too often and I will still be struggling with how to cope with them in a healthy way.

But, on the positive side, I’m thankful I am now aware of this. I’m thankful I can start to be kind to myself when I feel so overwhelmed that it’s as if my body is being taken over. I can start to train myself to take a step back when I notice my physical symptoms appearing, for instance, rapid heartbeat, sweating, clenched fists, fidgeting, zoning out, and more. When I notice these symptoms I can remind myself that a big emotion is festering and about to show. I can talk kindly to myself and not continue the negative self talk pattern that is all I know. 

With hard work and dedication, I can show my little girl that it’s okay to feel big emotions. It’s okay to feel out of control sometimes. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be scared. She can watch me talk to myself kindly while I work through big emotions, and by doing this, she will start to be kind to herself when she feels them as well. By practicing these I will be able to not only handle my big emotions, but Isabella’s as well. I’ll be able to show love and compassion instead of irritation and control. I can be the role model she needs growing up. 

My “aha” Moment: Why I have 40,000+ Pictures on My Phone

thepinkrosediary

I love taking pictures. I take pictures every single day. I pay for extra storage on my phone each month because I have 40,000+ pictures on my phone. I have a hard time letting go of pictures even if I have 45 that look the exact same. I just absolutely love them.

I always thought that the reason I loved pictures so much was because my memory isn’t great. I thought old photos helped me remember moments in my life that I loved. I’ve thought this for a really long time, but today that thought changed. 

I think the reason I love taking pictures so much is because I have a really hard time living in the present moment.

I was listening to a Mel Robbins podcast episode yesterday, (which I will post below)!! Mel Robbins talks about how her family is visiting her for a few days and she was so excited to see them. But, just a moment later, she started to feel a complete different emotion. She wasn’t happy anymore, she was sad because she started to think about how they will be leaving in a few days. It made her realize that her mind tends to focus on the future and what could go wrong, which leads her to not fully enjoying the present moment. I HIGHLY recommend listening to this podcast, and a lot of her others. One of my coworkers recommended this to me and I am very blessed that she did.

Today, I am tying this into why I take so many pictures. I was going to blog about my love / hate relationship with fitness, but I changed my mind. While I was looking for transformation pictures, I started wondering why I take so many again. I said to my partner “I’m so glad that I take so many pictures, I think I do it because I tend to not live in the moment because I’m busy worrying about the problems that could happen in the future.”

That’s it. That’s why I love taking pictures. I have such a hard time being in the present moment with my loved ones, friends, family, and even my pets. I’m worrying about money, my career, my relationships, my future, the fact that that the house is a mess, the fact that I haven’t smiled in a few days, or the fact that life is so short and I’m so dissatisfied with what I am doing on a day to day basis right now.

Because my mind goes on this downward spiral about everything going wrong in my life — I struggle to just enjoy what’s happening right in front of me. I’m constantly distracted. There’s always something else on my mind that isn’t the person I’m talking with, or the pet I’m playing with, or the activity I’m trying to accomplish. 

I really believe that subconsciously I take a lot of pictures because I want to be able to go back through my phone and see great moments so I can ignore the pain I’m feeling while I’m taking them. I trick my mind into thinking that my life is happy, joyful, and exciting, when in reality — the whole time I’m taking the pictures I’m feeling fear, sadness, or anxiety.

I think I do this because sometimes it’s hard to admit to myself that I am deep down, a very negative person. I have a negative narrative towards myself. This isn’t easy to admit to myself or to anyone that reads that. I usually judge people that are negative because I can feel their energy drain everyone in the room. But, the reason I judge them is because I know that my base level right now is exactly that — negative and draining. 

But as hard as it is to admit it — it’s even harder living like this on a daily basis.

I want to become more aware of the present moment. I want to enjoy the moment that I’m in now. I want to be able to know that I was genuinely happy when I was taking the picture. I truly want to start enjoying every moment because like I said, life is way too short. 

I think I will challenge myself to start being more present when I am taking pictures. I want to ask myself:

Why am I taking this picture?

What is so special about this moment that I want to capture?

Why is this important to me?

Am I being present with whatever I am taking a picture of?

I think this will help me live more in the now. I will be reminded why I am taking the picture in the first place. I’ll remember the important things in my life. I’ll remember to be present again and be grateful for having such beauty in my life. 

I really think this was an “aha” moment for me. I feel very inspired. I feel like I just unfolded another layer of my story. 

Cheers,

K

And below… only a very small percentage of the pictures I have on my phone 😉

Here is the YouTube link to the Podcast that I was talking about! Her episodes are amazing, and this one really spoke to me.

Brain Dump: November 20, 2022

thepinkrosediary

Usually I want to have a really nice written blog post and start stressing myself out when it becomes 7:30pm and my page is still blank. This is happening to me tonight.

I’ve learned a lot about self compassion lately and know that it is something I need to practice more often. So tonight, instead of getting mad at myself for not having anything, I am going to explain why I don’t.

I spent all day trying to write a letter to my work asking for accommodations. My mental health has been not great at all lately, and I have been struggling. I have been mostly struggling due to my ADHD diagnosis.

After getting diagnosed with ADHD at 27 years old I was sent to my doctor to talk about medication. I was then put on medication and not given any resources, tips, or an explanation about the diagnosis. Sure, having the answers as to why I acted the way I did my whole life was a breath of fresh air — but that only lasted for about 2 months. Then, the “honeymoon” phase I’ll call it of getting a late diagnosis faded. I started not being able to focus at work, I was becoming more and more reactive, and I was constantly criticizing myself for not being normal.

It has been a really hard road trying to figure out my ADHD by myself. Trying to figure out how to start regulating my emotions after 27 years of being told that I was just too emotional or sensitive is really difficult. Trying to re-wire my brain is hard. It’s especially hard because I burn myself out every single day trying to act as if I’m not struggling. I hold my tears in until my drive home from work. I go into the bathroom to let my ugly tears out. 

Trying to cope with a new diagnosis with no idea on where to go is very isolating and depressing. It’s dark, sad, scary, and lonely. 

However, I have grown more resilient, courageous, independent, and adaptable because of having to try to figure this out on my own. I have been able to understand myself more because I am taking the time to truly understand how my brain works and finding ways to cope with it in a healthier manner.

I know that I am rambling on for a lot of this post, but the truth is — it took me all day to write a letter and I am exhausted. I want to spend the rest of the night cuddled up with my dogs and my partner. I want to show that I am human. Tonight — I really didn’t have anymore energy to type out a huge post with a lot of content people can learn from. Tonight, I just wanted to be me and accept it as it is.

Cheers folks,

K

Being Emotionally Vulnerable Scares Me

thepinkrosediary

I don’t mind being vulnerable in the sense that I don’t mind telling others about past traumas that have taught me lessons and helped shape me into the person I am today. In those situations I don’t even feel like I’m being vulnerable because I find it so easy. But… expressing to something how I’m feeling about something/someone? That’s where I shut down. I find it extremely difficult to be vulnerable with myself and others when it comes to my emotions. 

To look at someone and express that I am feeling shame, embarrassment, fear, jealousy, guilt, depressed, or defensive — is one of the toughest things for me to do. To open up the potential of getting rejected, misunderstood, laughed at, or ignored TERRIFIES me. It has scared me so much that I started to internalize everything I felt, thought, and wanted. I thought that internalizing my hard emotions would make them disappear. I thought that if I pushed the hard emotions so far away that they would just leave me alone and I would be happy.

Well folks, I have learned recently that I was very, very wrong. These emotions that needed to be felt started showing up in basically all areas in my life, and not in healthy ways. 

I was projecting my toxic traits onto others. I would do this so I didn’t have to come face to face with the reality that I can be toxic, too. If I admitted that I can be toxic, it put the potential to feel the emotions that I kept trying to run away from. So instead, I would judge others for being controlling without reflecting on my own controlling behaviours that I have. I would get irritated when someone would cut me off in traffic, but at the next set of lights I would do it to someone else because I was anxious I was going to be late. I would call others out for judging, when I was judging them for judging in the first place.

I was lashing out at people I love when I would experience an intense emotion that I tried to avoid for so long. Whenever I would start to experience shame, I would start yelling and projecting myself onto others. I didn’t know how to cope with the emotions in a healthy way because the only thing I knew was to ignore them.

I was getting SO mad at myself for having such poor reactions to certain situations. There would be days where if someone closed the door the wrong way my fists would clench, my heart would start racing, and I would be fuming with irritation. My reactions were becoming so unhealthy and so harmful to myself and others that I needed to do something. 

I didn’t love who I was becoming. Every day it seemed like something else was adding to my list of things that annoyed me. I cried every single day. I felt empty every single day. I didn’t recognize myself in all areas of my life: work, home, family, and relationships. 

There has only been one thing that has been my saving grace through this process.

I think the best thing I have ever done for myself, and continue to do for myself, is truly getting to know me… and that means even the emotions I have tried to push away most of my life.

I’m guessing that a majority of the folks that end up reading this will think they know themselves; just like I thought I knew myself two years ago. But the thing is, I’m not talking about knowing the basic things about myself. I’m not talking about my favourite colour or which person from Love is Blind this season is my favourite (Nancy, my girl — you are my spirit animal on a side note).

I’m talking about really getting to know myself on an intimate, deep, authentic and real level.

I’m talking about:

  • Getting to know my triggers
  • Recognizing harmful character traits in myself
  • Getting to know my core values in life
  • Recognizing my negative thinking pattern
  • Digging into past traumas
  • Finding out what my true passions are
  • Becoming self accepting and self loving
  • Setting boundaries
  • Exploring my childhood
  • Finding the parts of me that I hid away from the world in order to fit in
  • Embracing autonomy
  • Learning my love language, my personality type, and so much more

These past two years of getting to know myself more have been the most life changing years of my life. It has also been the hardest thing I have ever decided to do. Re-living past traumas, diving into my toxic traits, and setting boundaries would have been nearly impossible for me to do without my amazing support system. Without my parents, my counsellors, my friends, or my partner — I wouldn’t have been where I am today. 

With my support team, my courage, my curiosity, and my commitment to really getting to know myself; I am starting to be able to release built up emotions that were stuffed away for so long — and replace that spot with more love.

When Fear Takes Over Your Life

thepinkrosediary

This folks… is the real me.

This picture really captures one of my most prominent ADHD features: clutter. Especially paper. 

I love having ADHD because it has blessed me with my curiosity and love to learn. It can, however, be annoying. When I get hyper-focused on a dozen different topics every single month — it can be hard to organize everything AND try to retain all the information.

I have about 20 different notebooks all full of blog ideas, notes from audiobooks, notes from podcasts, research notes, journal entries, and so much more. There are random papers stuffed inside notebooks or journals. It is very chaotic, but so is my brain 85% of the time. This really represents not only what my notes look like… but what my brain looks like on a daily basis as well.

I decided that I needed to clean this out and start fresh.

So on Saturday morning, once I finished my smoothie bowl, coffee, and positive affirmations (my morning ritual) — I got to work. I put on an episode of Franklin (yes, I am 28 years old and I still love my morning cartoons) and started creating two piles with the papers. I had one pile that was for garbage, and another pile that was full of things I scanned over and thought might have some good content for a future blog post.

That night, I went through the papers I decided were worth keeping, and I found something that really stood out to me.

Awhile back I started listening to an audiobook called “Best Self” by Mike Bayer. I have not finished the audiobook (just like every other audiobook I start basically) but, I did get through some of the first chapters. I remember really enjoying his voice, which helped me stay super focused when I listened to it. 

I found some old notes that were labelled: 

Chapter 4: Identifying Your Obstacles

Followed by this question:

What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life?

This week, I want to share my answers I wrote. It’s raw, it’s vulnerable, and it’s basically like a journal/diary entry… so it’s real. 

What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life?

One fear that has held me back from making changes in my life is the fear of what others will think of me. I get worried that if I make drastic changes in my life, people will talk behind my back and treat me different. My fear of what others will think of me has stopped me many times from making changes to become my true self.

Another fear that I have is the fear of getting hurt. I tend to try and predict what will happen in my future by remembering parts of my past and assuming it’ll happen again. There are times I live in this state of fear and start preparing for the next bad thing to happen instead of living in the moment.

Another fear that has stopped me is the fear of failure. I get scared to do something new, something bold, something hard, or something outside of my comfort zone. The fear of failing at something has stopped me from writing, forming new friendships, and new hobbies. I feel unworthy of doing whatever it is I am trying to do instead of looking at failure as opportunity to learn.

Another fear that has stopped me from making changes is the fear of the unknown. I think to myself “I may not be as happy as I want to be BUT what happens if I make more changes and nothing happens or it gets worse?” The fear of not knowing if the changes I am making are going to positively or negatively impact me… scares the shit out of me.

Another fear that has stopped me is the fear of being alone. The fear of being alone has caused me to remain in toxic relationships longer than I should have. Sometimes, I want to stand up for what I believe in but get scared no one will stand with me through it. I get scared I will be alone if I make changes to become my true self. 

Reading these now I am really proud of myself. The amount of growth that I see in me is actually really dang cool. I have gone from someone who has pointed out flaws in everyone else but myself — to someone who’s able to see areas in my life I want to work on and approach them with compassion.

I have also realized that I am missing two things I fear most. The fears that has caused me to miss out on so many things in life and make changes that were necessary. The fears that have disconnected me from people and have stopped me from standing up for what I believe in.

The fear of vulnerability and the fear of being rejected.

I am learning lately that I am more scared of vulnerability and rejection than I am of sharks (and if you know me well, you know how terrified I am of them).

My fear of vulnerability and rejection has stopped me from making changes in my life so I could feel like I belonged. I’ve made different personas for different social groups so I could feel acceptance, love, and belonging. I have moulded myself into so many different groups JUST so I could avoid rejection and being vulnerable.

By trying to shape myself into different personalities at different times, I have lost my sense of autonomy. I forget who I am, what I like, what my values are, and what I will and will not put up with.

I have avoided rejection and vulnerability in order to bring me connection, love, and belonging BUT — what I have learned is, it does the opposite. The more I run away from these fears, the more I run towards loneliness, emptiness, and disconnection. 

To be vulnerable, I have to be able to accept the fact that I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. I need to be open to mistakes and learning from them instead of beating myself up for being human.

When I choose to not allow my fears to take over (although I want to throw up at first), afterwards, I feel so at awe. I’m realizing now that the more I allow myself to be vulnerable, the less lonely, empty, isolated, and disconnected I feel. The more I open up to the people that deserve to hear my story brings me the connection and belongingness that I need.

I know that with more practice, patience, and self-love I will become an expert like Brené Brown on vulnerability. I will overcome my fear of not being my true self in front of everyone. I will overcome my fear of vulnerability.

I highly recommend watching this video! Brené Brown has opened my eyes so much on a lot of topics, especially vulnerability.

Vulnerability is scary, and it bring out a lot of emotions I am no where near comfortable with yet. But, the more I learn, and the more I teach about it, the better I get at it. The more I talk about how scared of vulnerability I am, the more vulnerable I become, and the less scared I become. The more I remind myself that with every rejection comes a lesson — the easier it gets when the rejection happens.

I am comfortable with being terrified of sharks for the rest of my life. What I am not okay with is allowing my fears of rejection and vulnerability to block connection, love, and belonging from my life. 

October 30, 2022: Brain Dump

thepinkrosediary

The truth is I have no idea what to write about this week. 

To be honest — I am wanting to hold back saying why I’m having a hard time focusing this week. I’m scared to admit why I am struggling this week because I’m worried about what people will think. I hate rejection so much that I shy away from admitting that I’m struggling. I’m scared others will think I just want attention or empathy. I hear this in my work, my social life, and in the community. People have told me so many times before that I crave attention and that’s why I am so easy to open up to others. The truth is, I want connection. I want to be real. I want to be me. I want to be able to admit I’m not okay and not get judged or have someone find the hidden meaning behind it. 

While I am so busy worrying about what others think — I am also not letting my true self be seen. I get caught up making up scenarios in my head about how others want me to act that I forget who I am to begin with. I start pressuring myself to show courage, strength, resiliency, and vulnerability that I start shaming myself when I start to feel any other way. 

I made this blog to be able to speak my truth regardless of what that truth may be. I created this website for me. I did this because I have such a strong passion to not only write, but to share my knowledge to others, too. I have this urgency right now to find my authentic self and make sure that she is shown more often and hidden less.

In order to be my authentic self — I need to accept that being strong, resilient, courageous, and vulnerable isn’t always easy. It comes with bumps in the road that sometimes seem like they will be impossible to get over. I need to be able to admit that right now I am not feeling any of those. The truth is — right now I’m feeling fear, worry, sadness, anxiety, shame, guilt, and other emotions that can uncomfortable to feel. 

Just last week I told my partner I felt like I was going through a middle life crisis right now. My emotions have been so all over the place lately that I couldn’t even tell you how many times they change throughout the day. 

I have been feeling a lot of shame when going to work lately. I feel as if I don’t put enough effort in because I find myself getting distracted all the time. I wasn’t able to perform tasks to the best of my abilities. I couldn’t organize anything. I was crying on my way home from work every single day. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open past 8:00pm because I was mentally, and emotionally drained by the end of the day.

I decided to ask my doctor to go on stress leave after consulting with HR and my supervisor. I decided for one — to put my needs first even though it was very uncomfortable. So now, I am on leave and trying to get out of this (what seems like) quarter life crisis.

I have always been pro mental health leave mainly because I am very pro mental health. But let me tell you… ever since I’ve been off I have been a big ball of anxiety. In the back of my mind I’m always asking: “what am I going to do when the two weeks are up? What if I’m not ready?.” I preach that people should listen to their mental health, but shame myself when I finally listen to mine.

I’m unsure of what the future looks like for me at this moment and that scares the shit out of me. I’m constantly anxious right now, and ruminating on everything that’s going wrong in my life. I can’t shake my negative thoughts right now. 

I feel confused with what to do with the next chapter of my life. I feel hopeless because I find each day is getting harder to find joy in. I feel exhausted because my brain is constantly ruminating on everything and anything. I feel shame because I can’t do as many chores around the house right now and I’m lashing out at people I love. I feel fear that people won’t want to read my blog because I can’t organize my thoughts right.

I am really struggling in most areas in my life right now. I am, however, grateful that I have been on this personal growth journey and have picked up things along the way that have helped me. I’m going to list 5 little tips that are helping me get through this hard period of my life. 

1. Accepting Emotions:

Trying to accept my emotions as they come has really helped me ground myself when intense emotions to arise. There have been a lot of really hard emotions coming up that seem like they’re too big for me to tackle. I find that the more I acknowledge my emotions the less power it gives the emotion over me.

2. Positive Affirmations:

Every morning after I make my smoothie bowl and coffee — I turn on a positive affirmation video. I put a huge comfy blanket over me and repeat the affirmations to myself silently. Doing positive affirmations every morning has really helped me have a better outlook on everything going on in my life even when it’s hard.

3. Gratitude:

I try to practice gratitude every single day. I try to list at least 3 things every night before I go to sleep. I try and challenge myself to name different things every night. There are nights that I have 10 items because I feel so grateful that day. Practicing gratitude has helped me remember all the wonderful things I have in life when all my brain wants to think about is everything that’s going wrong. The more I did this, the easier it became!

4. Maintaining an Exercise Routine

This is personally something that helps me stay focused, motivated, and centred. I also enjoy using exercise as a way to get out any irritation, anger, or frustration I may have. I love the adrenaline rush that I get when I start a new workout program. I love how proud I feel after accomplishing another program. I also just love how much it helps not only my physical health — but mental health too. This also includes walking!

5. Watching Childhood TV Shows

I don’t know folks but for me, watching an old favourite show from childhood makes me feel so free. It makes me feel young, silly, authentic, and happy. I love remembering how excited I would get when these shows would come on TV. Now, I get just as excited when I start to hear the theme songs. I feel as if I could take on the world because I don’t care about what others think of me — I just care about feeling like a kid again. Feeling nostalgia has been a saving grace for me on the hardest of days on this journey. 

Daily Reminder to My Authentic Self

thepinkrosediary

I do a lot of research for self-help. I mean like a lot of research. I bolded and italicized that to really kick in the emphasis of how much freaking research I do. So much so, that at times I forget things I’ve learned about. I’m always bringing in so much new information to my brain that I think it probably gets a little overwhelmed and wants me to do some meditation for a day instead. 

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE learning new things. It’s one of my passions and I find that life is super exciting because of it. But because of HOW excited I get about new topics I start jumping from one thing to another. I get so far into this that I forget to reflect on what I’ve learned and apply those new skills.

I noticed last week that I find myself still reacting to things in ways that aren’t healthy EVEN THOUGH I’ve spent weeks learning how to cope with hard emotions. Whenever I find myself reacting in an unhealthy way I find that my mind completely draws a blank on anything I’ve ever learned. 

I’m realizing now it’s because I don’t take time to sit down and apply the skills I’ve learned. It’s also because I have ADHD jumping from one topic, to another topic, if very common.

The thing is… I don’t want to be constantly looking up new ways to be my most authentic self if I am not getting what I want to get out of it. 

I started this blog because I wanted to share everything I’ve learned in hopes to help one person…

I’m deciding today, that I am going to be the person I help. 

Me.

I took today to write a list of things that help me be my true self.

I am going to keep on me at all times, as a reminder of things I’ve learned through this journey that will continue to help me grow and find my true self. 

If this post ends up helping someone else that’s a bonus — I’m just so proud of myself for choosing me.

1.Pick empathy over judgment

There will be times today that your initial reaction is going to be judgment. Someone may cut you off in traffic and you start calling them names and judging their character. Acknowledge that judgment is going to come into your day. The thing is to recognize it and turn it into empathy.

When you catch yourself judging someone — take a step back. Ask yourself why you’re judging something or someone? What emotion is it bringing out? 

Then ask yourself if the rage you are feeling while judging someone cutting you off in traffic is how you want to feel right now? Sometimes you may need that one minute to feel anger or rage, but remember that your judgment is creating the rage — the situation is not. 

Challenge yourself to an empathetic approach once you have recognized and accepted that you are feeling an emotion that is causing you pain. 

Maybe the person just got their license, or maybe it’s that persons first time driving after a horrific accident they had 5 years ago. Find empathy, because empathy will lead you to joy, happiness, and peace. Judgment will lead you to rage, sadness, and apathy. 

2.Find opportunity to grow in every situation

You need to remember that no matter how much you try to avoid tough situations — they are going to happen. Life isn’t always going to be easy, but remember there can be beauty in that.

Instead of running away from things that challenge you or scare you — look for the opportunity to learn something new or grow.

If you teach a topic at work and you notice that the participants aren’t understanding — don’t run. Don’t shame yourself for not being perfect the very first time you try something new. Failure leads to new ways to grow. Find this opportunity to use your skills that you are educated on and find a different approach to teaching that topic. 

Remember that every challenge that comes your way is helping you become more resilient. Becoming more resilient helps you find the opportunity to grow in any situation.

3.Learn something new

Have you learned anything new today? If you haven’t yet then go Google something random or something you’ve always wanted to know. Learning is so fascinating. It helps you become a more understanding and caring person.

Learning something new has also helped you find out your passions and hobbies. You never knew you were into podcasts until you gave one a try, and maybe you’ll never know you’re supposed to play guitar because you never tried to learn. 

Learn something new today and tell a friend. Maybe it’ll inspire them to learn too!

4.Express gratitude

Remind your loved ones that you are grateful for them. Remind your significant other that you are so thankful that he has taught you to become more independent because it has helped your find your voice that was hidden for so long.

Remind your best friend that you would be lost without their unconditional love. Remind her that going through hard times would be so much harder if you didn’t have her support no matter what. 

Remind a co-worker for how grateful you are that they have taught you so much about your job. That you’re thankful for working with people that want to help individuals have a voice when they haven’t for so long. 

Remind yourself for how grateful you are for all of the beautiful things this world has to bring to you. Remind yourself for how thankful you are given today as another opportunity to be amazing and your true self. Remind yourself for how grateful you are for being on this journey and how far you’ve come.

Express gratitude in as many ways as you can think. Whether it’s by text, phone call, random acts of kindness, or positive affirmations — express it. Not only does it bring you joy, it also brings others joy too.

5.Be open to different perspectives

Remember the story: The Blind Men and the Elephant. 

If you need to re-read the story to remind you about perspective, then do so.

https://www.peacecorps.gov/educators/resources/story-blind-men-and-elephant/

6.Be self-compassionate

Be kind to yourself. Instead of saying you can’t do something, tell yourself you can’t do it yet. 

Change your negative self-talk to talk of self love and compassion. When you catch yourself judging someone — recognize it but be kind to yourself when you do. You have lived your life this way for 28 years and changing that narrative can be hard. Be kind. 

When you look into the mirror, count all the things you love about yourself instead of naming everything you hate that you see. When you make a mistake, recognize mistakes happen every single day and that you’re not stupid or dumb for making one.

When you forget something, like an appointment or to message a friend back — recognize it, but don’t tell yourself that you’ll never be able to remember anything. Remind yourself that organization and remembering things may not be a strength you have right now, but there is so much time to grow.

Make sure you give yourself the most amount of self-compassion. 

7.Exercise at least one way: physically, mentally, or emotionally

Exercising is something that has always been there to help you when you’re down. No matter what type of exercise it is — you always get some sort of benefit from it.

Here are some ways that you can exercise some form of your body:

  • Mindfulness
  • Yoga
  • Going for a walk
  • Emotional regulation exercises
  • Listening to a podcast
  • Meditating
  • Deep breathing
  • Heavy lifting 
  • HIIT workout
  • Dancing in the kitchen
  • Research a self help topic
  • Journaling

Do some of these during the day. Exercising brings you so much energy that will help you stay positive throughout the day.

8.Stay true to your values and beliefs

Although empathy, compassion, and being more understanding of others is SO important to you… don’t forget about yourself.

Make sure you know your values first. You cannot stay true to your values if you don’t know what they aren’t / can’t always remember them. 

Some of your values to remember:

  • Compassion
  • Kindness
  • Connection
  • Love
  • Growth
  • Authenticity
  • Learning
  • Honesty

These values are things that you have took a good look at to know that in order to be your best self — you need these in your life.

9.Laugh more

A lot of this self-help work can be dark, which brings up a lot of darker emotions like: sadness, anger, grief, loneliness, and others. 

This means it’s so important to not take everything in life seriously.

If you rip a hole in your favourite pair of pants — laugh it off after you curse. Find joy and happiness in more. Search for more things that make you smile and laugh so hard that your abs hurt.

Watch Impractical Jokers

Play the Switch with your partner

Watch videos of animals doing weird things on YouTube

Find things that make you laugh and write them down so when you need a little laugh, you’ll have a reference.

10.Believe in yourself

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if your best friend, your partner, your parents, or anyone else you’re searching for approval from believes in you.

What matters is that you believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself you do amazing things.

You write from your heart. You are positive. You are optimistic. You look for the goodness in things.

Keep believing in yourself no matter what may stumble across your path. Always have faith that you can do whatever you set your mind to. 

You are capable of incredible things. Remember that. Believe in it. 

Cheers,

K

Empathy

thepinkrosediary

I remember one time in grade 10 English class we all had to bring in a rough draft of a paper we were going to submit later on that month. The teacher collected the papers and then started to rip off our names off the corners. After she did that, she started to explain to the class that she was going to give everyone a copy of someone else’s paper to correct. We wouldn’t know whose it was because the name would be ripped off. My heart instantly sank. I never really enjoyed people reading my writing. I was always very timid of being wrong or not being smart enough so the thought of someone reading my paper scared the shit out of me.  

When I received my paper back after it was being corrected by one of my classmates, I remembered why I hated it so much. The one thing that I remember being written on my paper was “this paper is too personal, maybe try something that isn’t as personal.”  

I was embarrassed. The paper I wrote was very close to my heart. After that I absolutely hated when people read my work, and still to this day I hesitate making my blog posts too personal. The thing I realized is that the people that influenced me the most on my journey to becoming my authentic self all told very vulnerable stories. Reading and listening to these vulnerable stories of others helped me feel less alone and more connected to myself. 

My focus isn’t going to be on the folks who think my work is too personal. The truth is – a lot of it is going to be very personal. My goals and focus are to help someone feel less lonely like bloggers, podcasters, and authors did for me.  

So here it goes, my story about Empathy. 

In early 2020 (when the first shut down was happening) I was going through a really hard time in my life for a few different reasons. The first reason was because I loved school and was having a hard time coming to terms with not going back in person. On top of COVID stopping me from going to class in person – I was also struggling with low self-esteem and I was craving intimacy. 

I had been single for 4 years at this point and was starting to feel lonely.  

I met a guy through a mutual friend who told me up front he didn’t want a relationship. At the time I didn’t realize how badly I need connection and intimacy in my life, so I too said that I wasn’t looking for anything long-term (when I read this to my partner later, he will probably laugh because he knows how much I love connection and intimacy). 

We met and there was this instant emotional connection that I felt with him. I felt safe when he was around and I could tell that whenever I opened up about something he truly cared and took everything in. In my past, this wasn’t something I ever experienced. I always felt like I annoyed my partners when I would share personal stories. I never felt as if someone truly heard or understood me. 

We ended up spending quite a bit of time together. The more time we spent together the more feelings other than “friends” started to grow. Not just on my part either – we both started to fall for each other. 

But at the end of the day, I wanted a relationship and he still didn’t.  

It hurt a lot. I couldn’t understand how we could both feel this strong of a pull towards each other but he still did not want anything to come of it. 

I quickly sunk into a pretty deep depression. I started to push my family and friends away. I was going for drives by myself at night to sit in a parking lot and cry. I was turning off all my location settings because I didn’t want anyone to find me and try to talk me out of being sad. I isolated myself completely. I got to a very low point that was difficult to overcome, especially when I couldn’t even put it words the emotions I was feeling at the time. 

Both really wanting love again and feeling a very strong emotional connection with him made it hard to move on right away. I couldn’t explain to my friends at the time what it was about him that I liked so much because all they could see were the red flags I blatantly ignored. 

Because there were so many red flags my friends had a hard time seeing the good qualities that I saw in him. It kind of made them blind to how deeply depressed I was.  

Whenever I would cry or say that I felt down the responses I would receive from my friends (most of the time) would be: 

  • You’ll get over him soon 
  • He told you he didn’t want a relationship 
  • Some people just aren’t meant to be together 
  • It’s better now than later when you develop deep feelings 
  • He’s an awful person. You can do better. 
  • You were warned this was going to happen 

While I know none of these words were meant to hurt me – they did. I kept wondering why no one understood where I was coming from. I kept thinking that if people are telling me I shouldn’t be this upset about a situation, then maybe something is truly wrong with me. 

**Turns out a lot of females with ADHD feel emotions much more intensely than females without. Also, a lot of people with ADHD have a hard time regulating their emotions, which is something I have struggled with my whole life. 

I kept a very negative narrative in my head saying things like: 

  • Why can’t I be normal? 
  • Why am I so sad over this? 
  • What is wrong with me? 
  • Will I ever be enough for someone? 
  • Why do I feel my emotions so intensely? 
  • Will I ever be normal? 

It took me a long time to heal from this.  

It wasn’t until my journey of self-growth that I was able to look back at a time that really caused me a lot of hurt and reflect on it in a healthy way. I did this by constantly researching ways I can find my true self. I was constantly trying to find ways to be a better person.  

I listen to a LOT of self-help podcasts now. A lot of them talk about empathy and how practicing empathy (yes, it can take a lot of practice) can bring you more connected to not only others, but yourself as well. Sometimes I will YouTube guests that are on podcasts and listen to different videos of them talking. 

That’s when I stumbled onto the YouTube video:

It really helped me connect the dots in my life when she says towards the end of the video: 

“Because the truth is, rarely, can a response make something better. What makes something better, is connection.” 

This started me on a HUGE discovery of Brené Browns work. I will talk about her quite often on my blog because I believe that her words have helped me find my authentic self again, and truly teach me ways to love myself again. 

By reading Brené Browns work I started to understand that what helps us feel connected to people. The thing Brené Brown says is what connects us the most is empathy. 

Empathy is what I was missing in my conversations with some of my friends when my heart was broken in 2020. 

I was being judged for having feelings towards him, being this upset over it, and talking to him in the first place. I was being told not to listen to sad music because it would make things worse. I was getting shamed for being sad over something that caused me a great amount of pain. 

Being judged made me feel unconnected from everyone. It made me feel alone and isolated. It made me feel crazy.  

I know that the reasoning behind this isn’t because my friends are terrible friends. Just like, when I too tried to fix my friends problems in the past, it wasn’t because I didn’t love them or didn’t care about them.  

It’s because: 

  1. I wasn’t comfortable talking about hard feelings because sometimes they triggered things I wasn’t ready to heal yet, or 
  1. I didn’t know how much power empathy has and the connectedness it brought  

That doesn’t mean that me and my friends don’t have good intentions. We do. We say things like “you can do better,” and “it’s better now than later,” because we want the person to know there is a bright side to look on. I know my heart just breaks whenever I see a friend sad. I’m always wishing I could do something to take away their pain instead. I start trying to say things that seem positive instead of just being there and feeling their pain with them so they don’t feel alone. 

I think looking on the bright side is so important, but it isn’t the first step. The first step is to recognize how the person is feeling and reacting to that with empathy. Empathy brings connection. Empathy helps remind the person that they aren’t alone, because I too have felt deep sadness or shame.  

Empathy is a skill that has taken me some time to develop. If I had tried to feel empathy towards every single person in my life right away – it would have been too much. I could have triggered something that wasn’t healed yet or become too empathetic and forget about my own feelings. 

Practicing empathy has been hard because it has also helped me reflect on why I don’t have empathy for certain people and situations. (It helped me identify my triggers and what caused them, another topic for a blog one day!!!) 

I strive to have more and more empathy every single day. There are days where empathy still seems impossible, but I remind myself that I am not perfect. I do not need to be perfect either – I just want to push myself a little bit harder than the day before. 

I’m not sharing this story for empathy either. I am healed from this experience; that is why I am comfortable sharing it. I’m so thankful for this experience because although I was in a dark place – it taught me so much. 

It taught me that loneliness is one of my least favourite feelings to feel for long periods of time.

It also led me to a healthy relationship with a man that continues to want to grow with me every single day. 

This experience has led me to the love of my life. A man that challenges himself every single day with me to be a better person, even when it gets really dark and hard. A man that applauds me when I stand up for myself instead of calling me down to my worst. A man that can reflect on his actions and can apologize first, but also will call me out when I am being the stubborn one that needs to apologize first but won’t. A man that drives me absolutely bonkers by singing to himself every second of the day – but also is so comfortable being himself and that inspires the heck out of me even when he’s blurting out the wrong lyrics. A man that has not yet once questioned this path that I am taking, but instead decided to join me for the ride.  

This past year and a half with my partner has taught me more about myself and taught me how to love someone on a whole different level. I am so grateful for all that experience has taught me and that it led me to a relationship that makes me feel whole instead of invisible.

I truly am grateful not only for this rollercoaster in 2020, but for my growth. To be able to take a step back and learn from a situation that caused a lot of pain instead of staying cold towards it shows the amount of growth I have done. Every single day I get amazed about how much I am growing, and get excited to see what’s next in store for my journey. 

Although it has been really hard at times on this journey, I know that practicing empathy for others has brought more happiness into my life.  

Practicing empathy has helped me really understand people on a whole different level. It has brought my relationships so much closer and so much more real. It feels so good to be able to truly understand someone’s feelings and be emotionally connected to them so I can help support them the best way possible. 

To me, seeing and feeling someone empathize with me is the most comforting, safe, and purist feeling. I instantly feel a little bit lighter, a little bit more courageous, and a little less alone. 

Cheers,

K