self growth – The Pink Rose Diary

The truth is I have no idea what to write about this week.

To be honest — I am wanting to hold back saying why I’m having a hard time focusing this week. I’m scared to admit why I am struggling this week because I’m worried about what people will think. I hate rejection so much that I shy away from admitting that I’m struggling. I’m scared others will think I just want attention or empathy. I hear this in my work, my social life, and in the community. People have told me so many times before that I crave attention and that’s why I am so easy to open up to others. The truth is, I want connection. I want to be real. I want to be me. I want to be able to admit I’m not okay and not get judged or have someone find the hidden meaning behind it.

While I am so busy worrying about what others think — I am also not letting my true self be seen. I get caught up making up scenarios in my head about how others want me to act that I forget who I am to begin with. I start pressuring myself to show courage, strength, resiliency, and vulnerability that I start shaming myself when I start to feel any other way.

I made this blog to be able to speak my truth regardless of what that truth may be. I created this website for me. I did this because I have such a strong passion to not only write, but to share my knowledge to others, too. I have this urgency right now to find my authentic self and make sure that she is shown more often and hidden less.

In order to be my authentic self — I need to accept that being strong, resilient, courageous, and vulnerable isn’t always easy. It comes with bumps in the road that sometimes seem like they will be impossible to get over. I need to be able to admit that right now I am not feeling any of those. The truth is — right now I’m feeling fear, worry, sadness, anxiety, shame, guilt, and other emotions that can uncomfortable to feel.

Just last week I told my partner I felt like I was going through a middle life crisis right now. My emotions have been so all over the place lately that I couldn’t even tell you how many times they change throughout the day.

I have been feeling a lot of shame when going to work lately. I feel as if I don’t put enough effort in because I find myself getting distracted all the time. I wasn’t able to perform tasks to the best of my abilities. I couldn’t organize anything. I was crying on my way home from work every single day. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open past 8:00pm because I was mentally, and emotionally drained by the end of the day.

I decided to ask my doctor to go on stress leave after consulting with HR and my supervisor. I decided for one — to put my needs first even though it was very uncomfortable. So now, I am on leave and trying to get out of this (what seems like) quarter life crisis.

I have always been pro mental health leave mainly because I am very pro mental health. But let me tell you… ever since I’ve been off I have been a big ball of anxiety. In the back of my mind I’m always asking: “what am I going to do when the two weeks are up? What if I’m not ready?.” I preach that people should listen to their mental health, but shame myself when I finally listen to mine.

I’m unsure of what the future looks like for me at this moment and that scares the shit out of me. I’m constantly anxious right now, and ruminating on everything that’s going wrong in my life. I can’t shake my negative thoughts right now.

I feel confused with what to do with the next chapter of my life. I feel hopeless because I find each day is getting harder to find joy in. I feel exhausted because my brain is constantly ruminating on everything and anything. I feel shame because I can’t do as many chores around the house right now and I’m lashing out at people I love. I feel fear that people won’t want to read my blog because I can’t organize my thoughts right.

I am really struggling in most areas in my life right now. I am, however, grateful that I have been on this personal growth journey and have picked up things along the way that have helped me. I’m going to list 5 little tips that are helping me get through this hard period of my life.

1. Accepting Emotions:

Trying to accept my emotions as they come has really helped me ground myself when intense emotions to arise. There have been a lot of really hard emotions coming up that seem like they’re too big for me to tackle. I find that the more I acknowledge my emotions the less power it gives the emotion over me.

2. Positive Affirmations:

Every morning after I make my smoothie bowl and coffee — I turn on a positive affirmation video. I put a huge comfy blanket over me and repeat the affirmations to myself silently. Doing positive affirmations every morning has really helped me have a better outlook on everything going on in my life even when it’s hard.

3. Gratitude:

I try to practice gratitude every single day. I try to list at least 3 things every night before I go to sleep. I try and challenge myself to name different things every night. There are nights that I have 10 items because I feel so grateful that day. Practicing gratitude has helped me remember all the wonderful things I have in life when all my brain wants to think about is everything that’s going wrong. The more I did this, the easier it became!

4. Maintaining an Exercise Routine

This is personally something that helps me stay focused, motivated, and centred. I also enjoy using exercise as a way to get out any irritation, anger, or frustration I may have. I love the adrenaline rush that I get when I start a new workout program. I love how proud I feel after accomplishing another program. I also just love how much it helps not only my physical health — but mental health too. This also includes walking!

5. Watching Childhood TV Shows

I don’t know folks but for me, watching an old favourite show from childhood makes me feel so free. It makes me feel young, silly, authentic, and happy. I love remembering how excited I would get when these shows would come on TV. Now, I get just as excited when I start to hear the theme songs. I feel as if I could take on the world because I don’t care about what others think of me — I just care about feeling like a kid again. Feeling nostalgia has been a saving grace for me on the hardest of days on this journey.

I have ALWAYS loved weddings.

When I look back at the weddings I have been in or went to — all I can think of is how beautiful it was that all these people came together to celebrate two people vowing their love to each other forever. It might sound a bit weird that the weddings I have been to are some of the happiest moments in my life, but I am going to try and explain to you why.

At every single wedding I have attended, they have been undoubtedly the most positive, energizing, and fun atmospheres I have ever been in. The laughter, the crying, the smiling, and the love that fills the air at weddings makes me feel so whole, belonged, and grateful. When I see the couple lock eyes with each other the first time that day… I get shivers. Knowing that everyone at the wedding is there for the same reason — to watch someone they love get married — gives me a feeling of awe.

The atmosphere is why I love weddings.

I was so honoured to be able to stand by one of my best friends weddings this weekend.

I’ve known Carley for about 27 years. She is my very first best friend. She isn’t just my first best friend — she was also the first friend that I would call to go a family gathering with me because I didn’t have siblings and she was like a sister to me. She is the first friend that went with me to get my first tattoo. She’s the first friend I would call to watch go see a scary movie with me. She is the first friend I talked about dream weddings with when we were teenagers. She is the first friend I’ve been a bridesmaid for, and now, the first friend that I’ve been able to witness marry their best friend, too.

Everything about this day was beautiful. I have been looking at pictures at random times during the day and smiling. The wedding is the only thing filling my mind right now so that’s why I am going to write some thoughts I’ve had while going through the pictures.

First: your tribe is your everything

The energy Carley’s wedding party had was like goosebump and hair standing up on your arms kind of energy. The positivity that these girls had all day to make sure Carley had a smile on her face (even behind the happy tears) was the most beautiful and selfless thing I’ve ever experienced. I think back to every single one of the ladies that not only helped make Carley’s wedding day so special — but also are the most amazing influences someone could have in their lives. There wasn’t one time I didn’t feel accepted for who I truly was around this group of people. Carley’s tribe (her husband, her friends, her family) reflects the happiness behind Carley’s eyes that I haven’t seen in the 26/27 years I have known her. By surrounding herself by such beautiful humans I have seen so much growth that inspires me to surround myself, too, with people that make me feel good. I believe that your tribe is your everything, so why not make it people that make me want to be a better human?

Second:I am so grateful

Being able to see my first best friend get married seems so surreal to me still (I can’t imagine how she is feeling). I think about how beyond grateful I am to have a friendship like mine and Carley’s. The thing I really appreciate about our friendship is that we can talk once every couple of months and still feel like we talk every day when we meet up again. We both accept each others love for wanting to be home with our loved ones more often than not. We know that the time in between us talking doesn’t make our friendship not real. What makes our friendship so real, and special to me is because we both accept each other as we both continue on our personal growth journeys. No matter what happens in either of our lives we know that we are both there for each other without judgement. We both support the roads we decide to go down and are there for each other if the road gets bumpy or if we make a wrong turn. I am so fortunate to have a friend like Carley. I am grateful that she asked me to stand beside her to support her marrying her best friend. These past couple days after the wedding have made me really realize how grateful I am for this experience, this friendship, and this lady.

Third: I am growing

With being surrounded by such positive folks all day, I was able to really be true to myself. I can remember the last 4 weddings I went to. I didn’t get off the dance floor all night long this past weekend. The other weddings I have gone to I would dance for a couple songs and then sit down because I felt embarrassed. I was worried people were going to judge me. At Carley’s wedding I didn’t care if I got judged. I was so in the moment with the wedding party. I was so in tuned with the positive energy that was filling the room. I was way too busy soaking up this special day that I didn’t care if I did get judged. It didn’t even cross my mind. I didn’t talk negative to myself at all about my made up dance moves and screaming the wrong lyrics. I just enjoyed myself and took in every single minute that I could on this beautiful day. It is so cool to see my growth showing in different parts of my life. I’m really proud of myself.

Overall, these past few days have taught me so much. I’ve learned that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am. I’ve also learned that if I choose to surround myself with people that do accept me, I get to show my authentic self and accept their authenticity back. I’ve learned that showing a little bit of empathy and being selfless brings me the most amount of joy in my day. I’ve learned that I really enjoy feeling comfortable in my skin and not being scared to be my true self.

I am so thankful for my first best friend, and her now husband. I’m grateful that I have their resiliency and authentic love for each other to look up to. I can’t wait to watch my best friend grow for another 27 years, only this time with her husband by her side.

Cheers,

Also attaching some pictures me and the girls took during the day that I can’t stop looking at!