Tag: october

ADHD and Adulting

thepinkrosediary

When I was younger the demands in my life weren’t as high. It was easier to fake finding daily tasks hard because there weren’t as many. I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities so I was able to hyper focus on the ones that I did have. I was able to focus on both trying extra hard to achieve things and hiding the personality traits I shamed myself for.

I didn’t really mind hiding who I truly was because I was ashamed of her. I was ashamed of needing more help than others did. I was ashamed that I interrupted people when they were talking and that I talked more than most people I knew. I was ashamed with how much of a burden I felt like I was. I was ashamed that things didn’t come easy to me and I had to put in 200% effort into every day tasks. I was ashamed that I misplaced my keys and phone at least a few times a day. I was ashamed that I always had a messy room with clothes everywhere. I was ashamed that more often than not I wanted to scream at someone for hurting me because I don’t know how to regulate my emotions. 

The thing is… as I got older, as I fell in love, as I grew as a person, and as I took on more responsibility at work — the demands became too much. The demands that I had when I was younger were so easy to push through because there were so little. I quickly have become overwhelmed with the amount of things I “need” to do. 

I started not being able to focus at work. I have a hard time following through with the dozens of ideas I want to execute at work. Once I tried to take on more responsibility, I wasn’t able to try to hide the fact that I was struggling. I’m not able to hide the fact that I am so burnt out at the end of every single day because I have to put 200% effort into everything that I do. 

As I grow as a person the demands became really high too. I have been focusing on parts of me that I have been ashamed of for years, and looking into the reason behind these feelings. There have been so many dark emotions that have come up, which puts a lot of demand on my well being. I get so excited to learn new ways to grow that I forget to use the techniques I am researching about. I get hyper focused on the end goal of my personal growth that I forget to congratulate myself for how far I have come. 

Another huge part of my self growth is trying to be able to regulate my emotions better. Not being able to regulate my emotions well is a trait that often times make me feel a huge abundance of shame and sadness. The demand I put on myself to not react the way I have to triggers for the majority of my life has become too much.

Being so hyper focused on personal growth has put so much demand not just on me, but my relationship too. 

The love I have for my partner is the purest love I have ever had. The ability we both have to come together to talk about what we need to work on has been the most beautiful, inspiring, and grounding experience. Not only is he my partner — he’s my best friend too. 

That being said, the demands on a healthy relationship can be really straining when you are also trying to work on yourself. I once again forget to appreciate the process of growth in a relationship that I get upset when we aren’t growing fast enough. 

The demands of trying to balance becoming a healthier person physically, emotionally, and mentally along with trying to be a better partner and worker has become too much.

Having ADHD is exhausting. I’m exhausted, burnt out, and overwhelmed.

The truth is — I feel very lost and don’t know what to do most of the time. I feel like the demands in my life are too much. The demands seem to be adding on and on and I feel as if I could break. At times, I still find it hard to accept certain parts of my ADHD. Not just because demands seem to be overtaking most of my life — but because of not being able to regulate my emotions. 

BUT! Do you want to know the toughest part about having ADHD? How misunderstood I am by others. 

When I tell someone that I am struggling to follow through with a task because of my ADHD — I get looks. The looks scream “she’s just trying to use her ADHD as an excuse,” and “she’s over exaggerating — the task that she’s trying to do is so easy. She’s just being lazy.” 

The thing is I’m actually sometimes embarrassed about having ADHD. The main reason is because when I disclaim that I have it and explain that it impacts my executive functioning — I feel hopeless, dependent, and reliable. I feel like a little kid going to my parents for help to reach something in the fridge because I’m too short. People look at me like if you just try a little harder you will be able to do this task.

I don’t think people understand just how hard I am trying every single day. Mainly to do every day tasks. Trying to put effort into a chore or project I have zero interest in can be nearly impossible somedays. I can stare at a sink full of dishes for 20 minutes trying to get my brain to stop focusing on the million other things running through my mind so I can focus on this one little task that will relieve a lot of stress. Although I’m telling myself that I will feel better once I’m done washing them, there are times I still can’t get the motivation to do it.

For a lot of folks it’s easy to see the sink full of dishes and go do them. Sure, a lot of people will dread doing them and may even get annoyed doing it — but it doesn’t drain them the way it drains someone with ADHD. My brain is constantly having thoughts overload, which makes it REALLY difficult to focus on one thing — especially when it’s something I have no interest in. Trying to shut down every single other thought in my mind so I can wash the dishes in the sink can actually be the hardest part of my day sometimes. 

I hope that someday ADHD gets more awareness. 

I know I am going to use my blog platform to raise more awareness. ADHD may not be all of me — but it is part of me. It’s a part of me that went unrecognized for 27 years, and I am most definitely not the only person out there that went / is going undiagnosed. Having answers to so many questions I’ve had for so many years has truly set me free. I hope the more I bring awareness to ADHD, the more people become familiar with it and can find compassion to those who have it. 

Finding Gratitude in My ADHD Diagnosis

thepinkrosediary

After I recently discovered that October was ADHD awareness month, I decided I wanted most of my blog posts this month to be about my experience with ADHD. Last week I really wanted to write about the wedding I attended because it was a very special day to me. And because I didn’t write about ADHD last week — I promised myself I would write about it the following week. The thing is, it’s Thanksgiving weekend where I’m from. I’m feeling very pulled towards writing about things that I’m grateful for because expressing gratitude has had a huge impact on my life. 

Then I thought “wait, maybe I can write about why I’m grateful I have ADHD!” It seemed like a perfect topic because it covered both topics I’m feeling pulled to write about. The thing is I’ve struggled a lot with my diagnosis and I think it’s important not to give a false perception on my diagnosis journey. I don’t want to give people the perception that this diagnosis only brought happiness into my life because the truth is it brought a lot of deep intense emotions that I haven’t felt in a really long time, too.

This kind of made me torn for what to write about this week, but I finally came to the conclusion!

This week I am going to tell you about some realizations I had when getting diagnosed with ADHD. I think it’s important people know that there are more signs to ADHD than just not being able to sit still or stop talking. I’m also not a professional in anyway, I’ve just researched a lot about my recent diagnosis and these are conclusions I have come to because of it. This is just my experience with the diagnosis and the things I’ve struggled with while researching. I think it’s really important to see someone that’s a professional like I did if you are questioning whether or not you may have ADHD. Like I said, I am not a professional. I’m just someone that has a very curious mind so once getting diagnosed with ADHD I had to read, listen to, and learn everything I could about it. Part of my ADHD makes me hyper focus on topics I find super interesting and I’ve always been interested in Psychology, the brain, the way the mind works, and anything that really explains why we are the way that we are as individuals. 

With every realization I talk about, I’m also going to put a positive twist on it and see something I’m grateful for in it. I’ve realized lately how important it is to see the brightness in every dark experience I have. So now this brings me into a little bit more about my ADHD journey.

People Thought I Was Lazy Instead of Struggling

I was labelling myself lazy for 27 years because that’s the label I received at a young age. When I would not be able to find the motivation to clean my room I would be told to stop being lazy and do it. Or when I would have homework for school that I couldn’t focus on longer than five minutes because I was daydreaming during the whole lesson. When this would happen I would be labelled as lazy and stupid for not getting my work done and for not understanding something I was just taught. It’s hard for people without ADHD to understand when the task for them is so easy to do.

There are times I have called Spence when he is at work crying to him because I can’t get motivated to do anything around the house. I see the kitchen is a mess. It’s the first room you see when you enter the house we like to try and keep it tidy. My anxiety will be through the roof because the dishes are piled, the kitchen island is like a coat hanger with all of the clothes I have piled on top of it when I forget to bring them to the closet, and I can feel so many little rocks under my feet from the dirt Nala brought in earlier. I see all of these things but can’t find any motivation to clean it.

This is why the negative self talk kicked in as an adult. When I see the pile of laundry sitting beside me that needed to be folded a few days ago I start cursing at myself for not doing it right away and tell myself I won’t be so stupid and lazy next time. I constantly criticize myself when I start letting chores pile up. I tell myself I need to stop being lazy and get my act together. Then I try to do the task and find myself crying on the floor because I just focus long enough to do it. I’m crying because I find myself pathetic for not being able to do something that’s so easy for others to do. I never understood why I couldn’t do simple tasks like other people in my life could. I didn’t understand it until this diagnosis. 

The thing I’ve learned about this diagnosis is that it’s really hard for people with ADHD to focus on things that don’t interest them. It’s nearly impossible. Whenever I am doing a task that doesn’t interest me I end up daydreaming, which makes the task take at least double the amount of time it should take me to do it. This ends up making me resent certain chores and makes it really hard to find that motivation to want to do it. And I’m sorry but cleaning doesn’t entertain me in the slightest — especially when I was a kid and wanted to be outside running my energy off.

The positive side to this is now that I know tasks can be harder for me — I can try to find ways to make them less hard. I don’t love doing chores and find most of them really hard to complete. I am however a very competitive person and a person that loves to learn. This has helped me find ways to get things done in a not so boring want to pull your hair out manner. Whenever I have to do a task I don’t love — I’ll either listen to a new podcast that I’ve been wanting to listen to OR I will put a timer on and challenge myself to clean so much before the timer goes off. It might seem ridiculous but I heard both of these ideas in podcasts I’ve listened to about ADHD. These hacks really helped have a more positive outlook on chores. Don’t get me wrong I still dread doing them — but I am able to get through them easier and don’t overly hate doing them once I get started anymore.

People with ADHD can have a hard time regulating their emotions. 

From as early as I can remember I have had a hard time regulating my emotions. When I feel anger I never know what to do. I don’t notice my temperature rise or that my heart is beating fast. I just blow. I start yelling or I start getting really irritated and push myself away from everyone. I completely isolate myself. Whenever I start feeling anxious I find it really hard to find ways to help calm me down. I always miss the warning signs that I am going to have an anxiety attack and then it’s too late for my deep breathing techniques.

There are times that I feel like I have emotion overload because I am feeling happy, anxious, sad, angry, and frustrated all at the same time. And then there are times I start hyper focusing on how sad I have been lately, which ends up creating more sadness. 

I have a hard time not focusing in on the sadness, loneliness, anger, or fear. These emotions can take over my mind sometimes. This can make it really hard to find the good somedays. Every word I speak in my head is negative. Everything I end up saying ends up having a negative tone to it. Struggling to regulate my emotions has definitely made it hard to see the positives in things at times. It also has caused me to say hurtful things to people I really care about. When my emotions become too overwhelming I start saying things to cause hurt so I don’t have to hurt anymore. 

I am not proud of the way I react to certain situations that arise. I get embarrassed. I feel small and unworthy of love. I start to feel guilty and shameful. I ask myself why I am choosing to react in such a hurtful way especially towards the ones I love? It isn’t the way I want to be reacting so why do I do it? 

I am, however, grateful for realizing that this is a part of ADHD. 

I could never understand why I reacted the way I did to certain situations that would leave either me or someone else hurt. Realizing that a lot of people with ADHD struggle to regulate their emotions has helped me feel less alone. It has helped me want to take a look at the way I react to certain situations and find a healthier alternative. I used to look at my emotional dysregulation as something I should be ashamed about. This diagnosis has helped me accept who I am while also working towards becoming the healthiest version of myself. I choose to not judge myself for my poor reactions anymore. Instead, I take a step back and ask myself how can I make sure I react to this situation in a more positive way next time? I choose to be kind to myself. I remind myself that my ADHD may make it harder for me to regulate my emotions — but it doesn’t make it impossible. 

My forgetfulness / my ability to lose things easily has nothing to do with me being stupid

I forget EVERYTHING. I also lose EVERYTHING. I’ll have to get my partner help me find my cellphone a few times a day sometimes. I also need to write things down because if not chances are I won’t remember. Although I haven’t looked too much into why people with ADHD forget / lose everything — I have read it on multiple websites and listened about it on multiple podcasts.

I really love helping others. I love to say yes to help others when asked. The only problem with that is I forget to write it down, which means I don’t end up doing it. There have been many times that someone at work will ask me to do something for them and I forget to do whatever I agreed to. There are also times that people have told me I don’t care because I don’t pay attention, which results in me forgetting. The thing is I try to pay attention… but I find it hard to be fully present in the conversation. I get distracted by different sounds, movements, thoughts about dinner, and more. I don’t do it on purpose either — it just happens. I then get embarrassed that I don’t remember what the person asked me a favour for or I forget to write it down because I get distracted by something else. 

It has been something I’ve been ashamed of for years. I get really embarrassed when I can’t find my keys before I’m about to leave the house. I also get so mad at myself when I forget to take my medication in the morning and don’t realize until I’m already on my way to work. I get so ashamed that I’m not able to remember small little things like a lot of people in my life can. 

I am truly grateful for finding out that this was a sign of ADHD though. I have been able to read about hacks as to how I can remember things more often. I set alarms for things I don’t think I’ll remember, I have a desk calendar for work so I don’t forget what I need to get done, and I have a huge calendar in my living room to remind me of birthdays, events, and appointments. 

I also have been trying to put things in the same spot every single time so I don’t lose them. I still struggle a lot with this one but the thing that keeps me going is having a more positive outlook than negative on it. When I lose my AirPods in the house for the third time that week I try not to call myself stupid. And if I do, I then take a step back and remind myself that it’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay that I struggle at this right now because I do work on it every day. I remind myself that if there are a lot of things going on during a week then I may be a bit more disorganized because so much is on my brain. Once realizing that common signs of ADHD are forgetfulness and losing things — I was able to forgive myself for the years of self shame. 

I truly am grateful for getting diagnosed with ADHD. Although it has been a process with so many different feelings, overall, it has changed my life in the most positive way. I am able to understand who I am, why I am the way that I am, and while growing, I’m able to be kind to myself along the way. I have a lot more compassion towards myself ever since this diagnosis. I give myself a break when I get emotionally overwhelmed instead of beating myself up for it. Having these answers has been such a blessing, and it is one thing I am really grateful for this thanksgiving.