Tag: mental health

Finding Gratitude in My ADHD Diagnosis

thepinkrosediary

After I recently discovered that October was ADHD awareness month, I decided I wanted most of my blog posts this month to be about my experience with ADHD. Last week I really wanted to write about the wedding I attended because it was a very special day to me. And because I didn’t write about ADHD last week — I promised myself I would write about it the following week. The thing is, it’s Thanksgiving weekend where I’m from. I’m feeling very pulled towards writing about things that I’m grateful for because expressing gratitude has had a huge impact on my life. 

Then I thought “wait, maybe I can write about why I’m grateful I have ADHD!” It seemed like a perfect topic because it covered both topics I’m feeling pulled to write about. The thing is I’ve struggled a lot with my diagnosis and I think it’s important not to give a false perception on my diagnosis journey. I don’t want to give people the perception that this diagnosis only brought happiness into my life because the truth is it brought a lot of deep intense emotions that I haven’t felt in a really long time, too.

This kind of made me torn for what to write about this week, but I finally came to the conclusion!

This week I am going to tell you about some realizations I had when getting diagnosed with ADHD. I think it’s important people know that there are more signs to ADHD than just not being able to sit still or stop talking. I’m also not a professional in anyway, I’ve just researched a lot about my recent diagnosis and these are conclusions I have come to because of it. This is just my experience with the diagnosis and the things I’ve struggled with while researching. I think it’s really important to see someone that’s a professional like I did if you are questioning whether or not you may have ADHD. Like I said, I am not a professional. I’m just someone that has a very curious mind so once getting diagnosed with ADHD I had to read, listen to, and learn everything I could about it. Part of my ADHD makes me hyper focus on topics I find super interesting and I’ve always been interested in Psychology, the brain, the way the mind works, and anything that really explains why we are the way that we are as individuals. 

With every realization I talk about, I’m also going to put a positive twist on it and see something I’m grateful for in it. I’ve realized lately how important it is to see the brightness in every dark experience I have. So now this brings me into a little bit more about my ADHD journey.

People Thought I Was Lazy Instead of Struggling

I was labelling myself lazy for 27 years because that’s the label I received at a young age. When I would not be able to find the motivation to clean my room I would be told to stop being lazy and do it. Or when I would have homework for school that I couldn’t focus on longer than five minutes because I was daydreaming during the whole lesson. When this would happen I would be labelled as lazy and stupid for not getting my work done and for not understanding something I was just taught. It’s hard for people without ADHD to understand when the task for them is so easy to do.

There are times I have called Spence when he is at work crying to him because I can’t get motivated to do anything around the house. I see the kitchen is a mess. It’s the first room you see when you enter the house we like to try and keep it tidy. My anxiety will be through the roof because the dishes are piled, the kitchen island is like a coat hanger with all of the clothes I have piled on top of it when I forget to bring them to the closet, and I can feel so many little rocks under my feet from the dirt Nala brought in earlier. I see all of these things but can’t find any motivation to clean it.

This is why the negative self talk kicked in as an adult. When I see the pile of laundry sitting beside me that needed to be folded a few days ago I start cursing at myself for not doing it right away and tell myself I won’t be so stupid and lazy next time. I constantly criticize myself when I start letting chores pile up. I tell myself I need to stop being lazy and get my act together. Then I try to do the task and find myself crying on the floor because I just focus long enough to do it. I’m crying because I find myself pathetic for not being able to do something that’s so easy for others to do. I never understood why I couldn’t do simple tasks like other people in my life could. I didn’t understand it until this diagnosis. 

The thing I’ve learned about this diagnosis is that it’s really hard for people with ADHD to focus on things that don’t interest them. It’s nearly impossible. Whenever I am doing a task that doesn’t interest me I end up daydreaming, which makes the task take at least double the amount of time it should take me to do it. This ends up making me resent certain chores and makes it really hard to find that motivation to want to do it. And I’m sorry but cleaning doesn’t entertain me in the slightest — especially when I was a kid and wanted to be outside running my energy off.

The positive side to this is now that I know tasks can be harder for me — I can try to find ways to make them less hard. I don’t love doing chores and find most of them really hard to complete. I am however a very competitive person and a person that loves to learn. This has helped me find ways to get things done in a not so boring want to pull your hair out manner. Whenever I have to do a task I don’t love — I’ll either listen to a new podcast that I’ve been wanting to listen to OR I will put a timer on and challenge myself to clean so much before the timer goes off. It might seem ridiculous but I heard both of these ideas in podcasts I’ve listened to about ADHD. These hacks really helped have a more positive outlook on chores. Don’t get me wrong I still dread doing them — but I am able to get through them easier and don’t overly hate doing them once I get started anymore.

People with ADHD can have a hard time regulating their emotions. 

From as early as I can remember I have had a hard time regulating my emotions. When I feel anger I never know what to do. I don’t notice my temperature rise or that my heart is beating fast. I just blow. I start yelling or I start getting really irritated and push myself away from everyone. I completely isolate myself. Whenever I start feeling anxious I find it really hard to find ways to help calm me down. I always miss the warning signs that I am going to have an anxiety attack and then it’s too late for my deep breathing techniques.

There are times that I feel like I have emotion overload because I am feeling happy, anxious, sad, angry, and frustrated all at the same time. And then there are times I start hyper focusing on how sad I have been lately, which ends up creating more sadness. 

I have a hard time not focusing in on the sadness, loneliness, anger, or fear. These emotions can take over my mind sometimes. This can make it really hard to find the good somedays. Every word I speak in my head is negative. Everything I end up saying ends up having a negative tone to it. Struggling to regulate my emotions has definitely made it hard to see the positives in things at times. It also has caused me to say hurtful things to people I really care about. When my emotions become too overwhelming I start saying things to cause hurt so I don’t have to hurt anymore. 

I am not proud of the way I react to certain situations that arise. I get embarrassed. I feel small and unworthy of love. I start to feel guilty and shameful. I ask myself why I am choosing to react in such a hurtful way especially towards the ones I love? It isn’t the way I want to be reacting so why do I do it? 

I am, however, grateful for realizing that this is a part of ADHD. 

I could never understand why I reacted the way I did to certain situations that would leave either me or someone else hurt. Realizing that a lot of people with ADHD struggle to regulate their emotions has helped me feel less alone. It has helped me want to take a look at the way I react to certain situations and find a healthier alternative. I used to look at my emotional dysregulation as something I should be ashamed about. This diagnosis has helped me accept who I am while also working towards becoming the healthiest version of myself. I choose to not judge myself for my poor reactions anymore. Instead, I take a step back and ask myself how can I make sure I react to this situation in a more positive way next time? I choose to be kind to myself. I remind myself that my ADHD may make it harder for me to regulate my emotions — but it doesn’t make it impossible. 

My forgetfulness / my ability to lose things easily has nothing to do with me being stupid

I forget EVERYTHING. I also lose EVERYTHING. I’ll have to get my partner help me find my cellphone a few times a day sometimes. I also need to write things down because if not chances are I won’t remember. Although I haven’t looked too much into why people with ADHD forget / lose everything — I have read it on multiple websites and listened about it on multiple podcasts.

I really love helping others. I love to say yes to help others when asked. The only problem with that is I forget to write it down, which means I don’t end up doing it. There have been many times that someone at work will ask me to do something for them and I forget to do whatever I agreed to. There are also times that people have told me I don’t care because I don’t pay attention, which results in me forgetting. The thing is I try to pay attention… but I find it hard to be fully present in the conversation. I get distracted by different sounds, movements, thoughts about dinner, and more. I don’t do it on purpose either — it just happens. I then get embarrassed that I don’t remember what the person asked me a favour for or I forget to write it down because I get distracted by something else. 

It has been something I’ve been ashamed of for years. I get really embarrassed when I can’t find my keys before I’m about to leave the house. I also get so mad at myself when I forget to take my medication in the morning and don’t realize until I’m already on my way to work. I get so ashamed that I’m not able to remember small little things like a lot of people in my life can. 

I am truly grateful for finding out that this was a sign of ADHD though. I have been able to read about hacks as to how I can remember things more often. I set alarms for things I don’t think I’ll remember, I have a desk calendar for work so I don’t forget what I need to get done, and I have a huge calendar in my living room to remind me of birthdays, events, and appointments. 

I also have been trying to put things in the same spot every single time so I don’t lose them. I still struggle a lot with this one but the thing that keeps me going is having a more positive outlook than negative on it. When I lose my AirPods in the house for the third time that week I try not to call myself stupid. And if I do, I then take a step back and remind myself that it’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay that I struggle at this right now because I do work on it every day. I remind myself that if there are a lot of things going on during a week then I may be a bit more disorganized because so much is on my brain. Once realizing that common signs of ADHD are forgetfulness and losing things — I was able to forgive myself for the years of self shame. 

I truly am grateful for getting diagnosed with ADHD. Although it has been a process with so many different feelings, overall, it has changed my life in the most positive way. I am able to understand who I am, why I am the way that I am, and while growing, I’m able to be kind to myself along the way. I have a lot more compassion towards myself ever since this diagnosis. I give myself a break when I get emotionally overwhelmed instead of beating myself up for it. Having these answers has been such a blessing, and it is one thing I am really grateful for this thanksgiving.

Daily Reminder to My Authentic Self

thepinkrosediary

I do a lot of research for self-help. I mean like a lot of research. I bolded and italicized that to really kick in the emphasis of how much freaking research I do. So much so, that at times I forget things I’ve learned about. I’m always bringing in so much new information to my brain that I think it probably gets a little overwhelmed and wants me to do some meditation for a day instead. 

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE learning new things. It’s one of my passions and I find that life is super exciting because of it. But because of HOW excited I get about new topics I start jumping from one thing to another. I get so far into this that I forget to reflect on what I’ve learned and apply those new skills.

I noticed last week that I find myself still reacting to things in ways that aren’t healthy EVEN THOUGH I’ve spent weeks learning how to cope with hard emotions. Whenever I find myself reacting in an unhealthy way I find that my mind completely draws a blank on anything I’ve ever learned. 

I’m realizing now it’s because I don’t take time to sit down and apply the skills I’ve learned. It’s also because I have ADHD jumping from one topic, to another topic, if very common.

The thing is… I don’t want to be constantly looking up new ways to be my most authentic self if I am not getting what I want to get out of it. 

I started this blog because I wanted to share everything I’ve learned in hopes to help one person…

I’m deciding today, that I am going to be the person I help. 

Me.

I took today to write a list of things that help me be my true self.

I am going to keep on me at all times, as a reminder of things I’ve learned through this journey that will continue to help me grow and find my true self. 

If this post ends up helping someone else that’s a bonus — I’m just so proud of myself for choosing me.

1.Pick empathy over judgment

There will be times today that your initial reaction is going to be judgment. Someone may cut you off in traffic and you start calling them names and judging their character. Acknowledge that judgment is going to come into your day. The thing is to recognize it and turn it into empathy.

When you catch yourself judging someone — take a step back. Ask yourself why you’re judging something or someone? What emotion is it bringing out? 

Then ask yourself if the rage you are feeling while judging someone cutting you off in traffic is how you want to feel right now? Sometimes you may need that one minute to feel anger or rage, but remember that your judgment is creating the rage — the situation is not. 

Challenge yourself to an empathetic approach once you have recognized and accepted that you are feeling an emotion that is causing you pain. 

Maybe the person just got their license, or maybe it’s that persons first time driving after a horrific accident they had 5 years ago. Find empathy, because empathy will lead you to joy, happiness, and peace. Judgment will lead you to rage, sadness, and apathy. 

2.Find opportunity to grow in every situation

You need to remember that no matter how much you try to avoid tough situations — they are going to happen. Life isn’t always going to be easy, but remember there can be beauty in that.

Instead of running away from things that challenge you or scare you — look for the opportunity to learn something new or grow.

If you teach a topic at work and you notice that the participants aren’t understanding — don’t run. Don’t shame yourself for not being perfect the very first time you try something new. Failure leads to new ways to grow. Find this opportunity to use your skills that you are educated on and find a different approach to teaching that topic. 

Remember that every challenge that comes your way is helping you become more resilient. Becoming more resilient helps you find the opportunity to grow in any situation.

3.Learn something new

Have you learned anything new today? If you haven’t yet then go Google something random or something you’ve always wanted to know. Learning is so fascinating. It helps you become a more understanding and caring person.

Learning something new has also helped you find out your passions and hobbies. You never knew you were into podcasts until you gave one a try, and maybe you’ll never know you’re supposed to play guitar because you never tried to learn. 

Learn something new today and tell a friend. Maybe it’ll inspire them to learn too!

4.Express gratitude

Remind your loved ones that you are grateful for them. Remind your significant other that you are so thankful that he has taught you to become more independent because it has helped your find your voice that was hidden for so long.

Remind your best friend that you would be lost without their unconditional love. Remind her that going through hard times would be so much harder if you didn’t have her support no matter what. 

Remind a co-worker for how grateful you are that they have taught you so much about your job. That you’re thankful for working with people that want to help individuals have a voice when they haven’t for so long. 

Remind yourself for how grateful you are for all of the beautiful things this world has to bring to you. Remind yourself for how thankful you are given today as another opportunity to be amazing and your true self. Remind yourself for how grateful you are for being on this journey and how far you’ve come.

Express gratitude in as many ways as you can think. Whether it’s by text, phone call, random acts of kindness, or positive affirmations — express it. Not only does it bring you joy, it also brings others joy too.

5.Be open to different perspectives

Remember the story: The Blind Men and the Elephant. 

If you need to re-read the story to remind you about perspective, then do so.

https://www.peacecorps.gov/educators/resources/story-blind-men-and-elephant/

6.Be self-compassionate

Be kind to yourself. Instead of saying you can’t do something, tell yourself you can’t do it yet. 

Change your negative self-talk to talk of self love and compassion. When you catch yourself judging someone — recognize it but be kind to yourself when you do. You have lived your life this way for 28 years and changing that narrative can be hard. Be kind. 

When you look into the mirror, count all the things you love about yourself instead of naming everything you hate that you see. When you make a mistake, recognize mistakes happen every single day and that you’re not stupid or dumb for making one.

When you forget something, like an appointment or to message a friend back — recognize it, but don’t tell yourself that you’ll never be able to remember anything. Remind yourself that organization and remembering things may not be a strength you have right now, but there is so much time to grow.

Make sure you give yourself the most amount of self-compassion. 

7.Exercise at least one way: physically, mentally, or emotionally

Exercising is something that has always been there to help you when you’re down. No matter what type of exercise it is — you always get some sort of benefit from it.

Here are some ways that you can exercise some form of your body:

  • Mindfulness
  • Yoga
  • Going for a walk
  • Emotional regulation exercises
  • Listening to a podcast
  • Meditating
  • Deep breathing
  • Heavy lifting 
  • HIIT workout
  • Dancing in the kitchen
  • Research a self help topic
  • Journaling

Do some of these during the day. Exercising brings you so much energy that will help you stay positive throughout the day.

8.Stay true to your values and beliefs

Although empathy, compassion, and being more understanding of others is SO important to you… don’t forget about yourself.

Make sure you know your values first. You cannot stay true to your values if you don’t know what they aren’t / can’t always remember them. 

Some of your values to remember:

  • Compassion
  • Kindness
  • Connection
  • Love
  • Growth
  • Authenticity
  • Learning
  • Honesty

These values are things that you have took a good look at to know that in order to be your best self — you need these in your life.

9.Laugh more

A lot of this self-help work can be dark, which brings up a lot of darker emotions like: sadness, anger, grief, loneliness, and others. 

This means it’s so important to not take everything in life seriously.

If you rip a hole in your favourite pair of pants — laugh it off after you curse. Find joy and happiness in more. Search for more things that make you smile and laugh so hard that your abs hurt.

Watch Impractical Jokers

Play the Switch with your partner

Watch videos of animals doing weird things on YouTube

Find things that make you laugh and write them down so when you need a little laugh, you’ll have a reference.

10.Believe in yourself

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if your best friend, your partner, your parents, or anyone else you’re searching for approval from believes in you.

What matters is that you believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself you do amazing things.

You write from your heart. You are positive. You are optimistic. You look for the goodness in things.

Keep believing in yourself no matter what may stumble across your path. Always have faith that you can do whatever you set your mind to. 

You are capable of incredible things. Remember that. Believe in it. 

Cheers,

K

Empathy

thepinkrosediary

I remember one time in grade 10 English class we all had to bring in a rough draft of a paper we were going to submit later on that month. The teacher collected the papers and then started to rip off our names off the corners. After she did that, she started to explain to the class that she was going to give everyone a copy of someone else’s paper to correct. We wouldn’t know whose it was because the name would be ripped off. My heart instantly sank. I never really enjoyed people reading my writing. I was always very timid of being wrong or not being smart enough so the thought of someone reading my paper scared the shit out of me.  

When I received my paper back after it was being corrected by one of my classmates, I remembered why I hated it so much. The one thing that I remember being written on my paper was “this paper is too personal, maybe try something that isn’t as personal.”  

I was embarrassed. The paper I wrote was very close to my heart. After that I absolutely hated when people read my work, and still to this day I hesitate making my blog posts too personal. The thing I realized is that the people that influenced me the most on my journey to becoming my authentic self all told very vulnerable stories. Reading and listening to these vulnerable stories of others helped me feel less alone and more connected to myself. 

My focus isn’t going to be on the folks who think my work is too personal. The truth is – a lot of it is going to be very personal. My goals and focus are to help someone feel less lonely like bloggers, podcasters, and authors did for me.  

So here it goes, my story about Empathy. 

In early 2020 (when the first shut down was happening) I was going through a really hard time in my life for a few different reasons. The first reason was because I loved school and was having a hard time coming to terms with not going back in person. On top of COVID stopping me from going to class in person – I was also struggling with low self-esteem and I was craving intimacy. 

I had been single for 4 years at this point and was starting to feel lonely.  

I met a guy through a mutual friend who told me up front he didn’t want a relationship. At the time I didn’t realize how badly I need connection and intimacy in my life, so I too said that I wasn’t looking for anything long-term (when I read this to my partner later, he will probably laugh because he knows how much I love connection and intimacy). 

We met and there was this instant emotional connection that I felt with him. I felt safe when he was around and I could tell that whenever I opened up about something he truly cared and took everything in. In my past, this wasn’t something I ever experienced. I always felt like I annoyed my partners when I would share personal stories. I never felt as if someone truly heard or understood me. 

We ended up spending quite a bit of time together. The more time we spent together the more feelings other than “friends” started to grow. Not just on my part either – we both started to fall for each other. 

But at the end of the day, I wanted a relationship and he still didn’t.  

It hurt a lot. I couldn’t understand how we could both feel this strong of a pull towards each other but he still did not want anything to come of it. 

I quickly sunk into a pretty deep depression. I started to push my family and friends away. I was going for drives by myself at night to sit in a parking lot and cry. I was turning off all my location settings because I didn’t want anyone to find me and try to talk me out of being sad. I isolated myself completely. I got to a very low point that was difficult to overcome, especially when I couldn’t even put it words the emotions I was feeling at the time. 

Both really wanting love again and feeling a very strong emotional connection with him made it hard to move on right away. I couldn’t explain to my friends at the time what it was about him that I liked so much because all they could see were the red flags I blatantly ignored. 

Because there were so many red flags my friends had a hard time seeing the good qualities that I saw in him. It kind of made them blind to how deeply depressed I was.  

Whenever I would cry or say that I felt down the responses I would receive from my friends (most of the time) would be: 

  • You’ll get over him soon 
  • He told you he didn’t want a relationship 
  • Some people just aren’t meant to be together 
  • It’s better now than later when you develop deep feelings 
  • He’s an awful person. You can do better. 
  • You were warned this was going to happen 

While I know none of these words were meant to hurt me – they did. I kept wondering why no one understood where I was coming from. I kept thinking that if people are telling me I shouldn’t be this upset about a situation, then maybe something is truly wrong with me. 

**Turns out a lot of females with ADHD feel emotions much more intensely than females without. Also, a lot of people with ADHD have a hard time regulating their emotions, which is something I have struggled with my whole life. 

I kept a very negative narrative in my head saying things like: 

  • Why can’t I be normal? 
  • Why am I so sad over this? 
  • What is wrong with me? 
  • Will I ever be enough for someone? 
  • Why do I feel my emotions so intensely? 
  • Will I ever be normal? 

It took me a long time to heal from this.  

It wasn’t until my journey of self-growth that I was able to look back at a time that really caused me a lot of hurt and reflect on it in a healthy way. I did this by constantly researching ways I can find my true self. I was constantly trying to find ways to be a better person.  

I listen to a LOT of self-help podcasts now. A lot of them talk about empathy and how practicing empathy (yes, it can take a lot of practice) can bring you more connected to not only others, but yourself as well. Sometimes I will YouTube guests that are on podcasts and listen to different videos of them talking. 

That’s when I stumbled onto the YouTube video:

It really helped me connect the dots in my life when she says towards the end of the video: 

“Because the truth is, rarely, can a response make something better. What makes something better, is connection.” 

This started me on a HUGE discovery of Brené Browns work. I will talk about her quite often on my blog because I believe that her words have helped me find my authentic self again, and truly teach me ways to love myself again. 

By reading Brené Browns work I started to understand that what helps us feel connected to people. The thing Brené Brown says is what connects us the most is empathy. 

Empathy is what I was missing in my conversations with some of my friends when my heart was broken in 2020. 

I was being judged for having feelings towards him, being this upset over it, and talking to him in the first place. I was being told not to listen to sad music because it would make things worse. I was getting shamed for being sad over something that caused me a great amount of pain. 

Being judged made me feel unconnected from everyone. It made me feel alone and isolated. It made me feel crazy.  

I know that the reasoning behind this isn’t because my friends are terrible friends. Just like, when I too tried to fix my friends problems in the past, it wasn’t because I didn’t love them or didn’t care about them.  

It’s because: 

  1. I wasn’t comfortable talking about hard feelings because sometimes they triggered things I wasn’t ready to heal yet, or 
  1. I didn’t know how much power empathy has and the connectedness it brought  

That doesn’t mean that me and my friends don’t have good intentions. We do. We say things like “you can do better,” and “it’s better now than later,” because we want the person to know there is a bright side to look on. I know my heart just breaks whenever I see a friend sad. I’m always wishing I could do something to take away their pain instead. I start trying to say things that seem positive instead of just being there and feeling their pain with them so they don’t feel alone. 

I think looking on the bright side is so important, but it isn’t the first step. The first step is to recognize how the person is feeling and reacting to that with empathy. Empathy brings connection. Empathy helps remind the person that they aren’t alone, because I too have felt deep sadness or shame.  

Empathy is a skill that has taken me some time to develop. If I had tried to feel empathy towards every single person in my life right away – it would have been too much. I could have triggered something that wasn’t healed yet or become too empathetic and forget about my own feelings. 

Practicing empathy has been hard because it has also helped me reflect on why I don’t have empathy for certain people and situations. (It helped me identify my triggers and what caused them, another topic for a blog one day!!!) 

I strive to have more and more empathy every single day. There are days where empathy still seems impossible, but I remind myself that I am not perfect. I do not need to be perfect either – I just want to push myself a little bit harder than the day before. 

I’m not sharing this story for empathy either. I am healed from this experience; that is why I am comfortable sharing it. I’m so thankful for this experience because although I was in a dark place – it taught me so much. 

It taught me that loneliness is one of my least favourite feelings to feel for long periods of time.

It also led me to a healthy relationship with a man that continues to want to grow with me every single day. 

This experience has led me to the love of my life. A man that challenges himself every single day with me to be a better person, even when it gets really dark and hard. A man that applauds me when I stand up for myself instead of calling me down to my worst. A man that can reflect on his actions and can apologize first, but also will call me out when I am being the stubborn one that needs to apologize first but won’t. A man that drives me absolutely bonkers by singing to himself every second of the day – but also is so comfortable being himself and that inspires the heck out of me even when he’s blurting out the wrong lyrics. A man that has not yet once questioned this path that I am taking, but instead decided to join me for the ride.  

This past year and a half with my partner has taught me more about myself and taught me how to love someone on a whole different level. I am so grateful for all that experience has taught me and that it led me to a relationship that makes me feel whole instead of invisible.

I truly am grateful not only for this rollercoaster in 2020, but for my growth. To be able to take a step back and learn from a situation that caused a lot of pain instead of staying cold towards it shows the amount of growth I have done. Every single day I get amazed about how much I am growing, and get excited to see what’s next in store for my journey. 

Although it has been really hard at times on this journey, I know that practicing empathy for others has brought more happiness into my life.  

Practicing empathy has helped me really understand people on a whole different level. It has brought my relationships so much closer and so much more real. It feels so good to be able to truly understand someone’s feelings and be emotionally connected to them so I can help support them the best way possible. 

To me, seeing and feeling someone empathize with me is the most comforting, safe, and purist feeling. I instantly feel a little bit lighter, a little bit more courageous, and a little less alone. 

Cheers,

K

Emotionally Brainstorming

thepinkrosediary

My love to learn is one of my favourite ADHD characteristics that I have. One thing I am really into right now is learning about emotions. Learning about how emotions work, what physical signs are associated with them, repressed emotions, numbing emotions – you name it (and I will probably have notes about the topic in one of my dozens of notebooks). 

I thought that because I was learning so much about emotions lately that writing about them would be easy. I listened to my meditation about creativity, sipped on my coffee and water, and turned on the computer. An hour later I sat staring at the word document with bits and pieces of work that I typed up, feeling (and probably looking) completely defeated.  

The truth is, it’s hard to talk about emotions when I still struggle with mine on a daily basis. To try to write something personal about the topic I chose to write about this week but still struggle a lot with – almost felt wrong. 

When the doubt started to take over, I started to react to my emotions in a not so healthy way. I started to become cold and short with my partner. I started to lose my patience with the dogs. I started asking myself “You can’t relate to this topic, so how are you going to be able to write about it?” I kept telling myself that I wasn’t as far along my journey as I thought I was. I was tossing the idea around whether or not I should post my weekly blog or the idea to take a free pass because I had an emotionally hard week. 

When I was staring blankly at my blog, cursing myself out, cursing Spencer out, and honestly just cursing the whole world out – I could feel these intense sensations come on. I felt my body get tense, and my felt my heart starting to race. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to write anything else when all I could think about was how little I had written so far. That’s when I remembered my counsellor suggesting doing physical activity when I feel an intense emotion coming on (I love meditation but breathing deeply will not help me in a situation when I feel like I’m going to pull my hair out). Sometimes I need to get my tense body moving in order to feel grounded again. 

So, I mixed up my pre-workout and went downstairs to mine and Spencer’s mini gym we have been working on. I pressed play on my 30-minute workout and would rate my workout… a solid 6/10. Even though I didn’t give it a full 100%, I still felt better. Which brings me here, writing this with a clear head (and a very full happy stomach thanks to Spencer for bringing me home pad Thai). 

So now that my mind is clearer, and my belly is happy, I am going to write what I know about emotions, and my experiences with them: 

Side note: I don’t hold judgement to anyone that I was supposed to look up to for not talking about emotions. People can only teach you what they know. If they don’t know about emotions or how to regulate them themselves it’s almost impossible to help someone else understand theirs. 

Emotions weren’t really talked about in my childhood. Not by my parents, my teachers, my family, or even close friends. A lot of what I saw growing up was that in order to be happy you had to not feel negative emotions. I was taught to bury them so deeply because it was frowned upon to cry hysterically, or to be angry at the way someone treated me. I was shamed for crying at times because “someone had it worse than me” or “I was too sensitive.” This led me to a lot of confusion growing up when hard situations would arise. 

But, no matter how much I try to push away the anger I have, or the feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, fear, embarrassment, or any other emotion I try to avoid – they would come to the surface again.  

I still feel sad even when I try to push it away because I am guilting myself for being upset over something people have told me in the past that I have no right to be upset over. I still feel angry when someone cuts me off in traffic. I still feel shame when something triggers part of my past I haven’t resolved. No matter how many times I try to “look on the bright side,” the dark side finds its way to the surface again.  

I was so confused why growing up I would always see my parents so happy and when I would feel a negative emotion, I didn’t feel like I belonged.  

When my heart began to race, I didn’t realize it was my anxiety, and even if I had realized it… I wouldn’t have been able to cope with it because I didn’t know how. My only knowledge of emotions was that feeling happy is good and feeling sad is not good. 

I kind of found myself in a downward spiral. I was finding myself having more anger, fear, sadness, shame, guilt, and other negative feelings in my life than happy ones. I didn’t want to keep living a life full of anger and resentment so I began doing my research.  

I mentioned above that one of the things I’ve been learning about is physical symptoms of emotions and naming emotions. This was the beginning of starting to understand my emotions better.  

Starting to be able to recognize symptoms of emotions has helped me be able to name them. By naming the emotions in situations when they are about to become overwhelming – it helps me find clarity on why I am feeling that way.  

Examples: 

Emotion named: sadness  
After I name the emotion that I am feeling I try to recognize the physical symptoms: a heavy chest, crying, hunching over, having my lip pout. Then, I reflect on the possibilities that could be causing this sadness. Did something happen today or yesterday that isn’t sitting right with me? Is there a coping mechanism that works best for when I am feeling sad? 

Emotion named: Fear, anxiety, or anger: 
When I recognize my body tense up or feel my body temperature rising there are times that I am able to identify it as anger, anxiety, or fear. I then ask myself again, what happened before this emotion came into play? 

Emotion named: Shame or guilt:  
When I feel my heart sink down to my feet it usually means it is shame, or guilt. I once again become curious as to where this feeling is coming from. What has triggered the feeling of shame? What am I feeling guilty about doing or not doing? 

By digging deep into my emotions, it helps me find the best coping mechanisms. When my emotions aren’t too intense, for instance when I am feeling irritated, guilty, or sad – meditation can help me through those feelings. I know that physical activity helps when my emotions are on a more intense level like when I feel anger, frustration, or fear. 

Most of the time, even when I can name my emotions, I still feel them SO deeply. They feel as though they are going to take me over.  

In cases like this I forget about recognizing the physical symptoms I am having. I don’t notice that my jaw is clenched, or that my heart is racing. I don’t take the time to notice the signs of anger, anxiety, fear, shame, and guilt. I let the emotion take over my body and mind. I shut down. I disassociate. I get cold towards others. I cry. I say harsh things to myself that I wouldn’t say to anyone else.  

The thing is, there will be times when all I can do is feel an emotion and that’s ok. There will be times when I can’t name or identify physical symptoms… and all I can do is scream; it’s okay. Breaking out of old coping mechanisms and habits that have caused me more pain than joy is not an overnight solution. 

Being aware that this journey of exploring my emotions takes time has been a humbling realization that I have made along the way.  

Naming my emotions and noticing physical signs of emotions has helped me a lot. Something else that has helped a lot is feeling and accepting all of my emotions that come up. This has helped me judge less, empathize more, connect to others in a more meaningful way, and find my authentic self again. 

By being able to sit with an emotion for a while it helped me understand it more. By being able to understand it more – I am able to accept it more. 

It’s one thing to be able to name, and recognize emotions. It’s another thing to fully allow myself to feel them and accept them, too. 

The more I was able to accept myself for feeling emotions that I usually tried to avoid, the more I was able to empathize and accept those emotions in others as well. 

Not only expressing my emotions to others, but accepting my emotions more, has been so rewarding. And I don’t mean just the ones that feel good to experience. It has helped me feel more connected, whole, and authentic. To be vulnerable and say to myself “I’m stressed” instead of taking on another project even though I have a million on the go, and be kind to myself and accept it. Or to openly admit to my partner that I am overwhelmed with the laundry, writing, taking care of the dogs, working out, eating healthily, and getting enough sleep – brings me closer to him. It lets him know that I trust him to see me at my worst.  

By taking a step back and reflecting, I was able to realize what emotions I was experiencing and why. The guilt I had when I was unable to write. Or the anger I was experiencing when my guided meditation for creativity wasn’t working. Or the shame I was feeling when I was telling myself I wasn’t knowledgeable or experienced enough to write about emotions. And now that I can name these emotions, I can make the connection to the physical symptoms I was having, too. My heart racing; my fists being clenched; blaming others for how I was feeling; saying harsh things to myself that I wouldn’t say to anyone else; and disassociating myself from not only my partner, but my true self as well. 

I may have only been able to recognize sensation in my body today while I was trying to write BUT… being able to make connections afterwards? That is a HUGE win in my books. It doesn’t matter the order that I do this. I am growing every single day and need to remind myself how far I have come. 

Educating myself on emotions has been amazing. Not only am I getting better at identifying my emotions, I am also getting better at being kinder to myself when I feel down. I work on regulating my emotions often, and I am excited to continue to do so. I’m not an expert by any means – I just know that diving into understanding my emotions better has been one of the best risks I have ever taken. A risk that comes with a reward of feeling more whole, less confused, and more myself. 

I am starting to take control of my emotions instead of them taking control of me. 

Cheers,

K

My ADHD Story

thepinkrosediary

Being diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 27 has been both a beautiful eye-opening journey, and a journey of confusion and shame.

I am going to share my experiences before the diagnosis, during the process of the diagnosis, and where I am today after being diagnosed for almost 8 months.  

So here it is – my ADHD journey. 

Ever since I was in junior high, I had a gut feeling I had something going on in my brain that made school very hard for me. In junior high I remember wondering if I had a learning disability because I was struggling to read, pay attention, and put any effort into anything that was school related. I didn’t tell anyone that I thought I was different because I didn’t want to be made fun of or have people not believe me. I cared way more about fitting in with my peers than I cared about my marks in school. I also wasn’t ready to accept that I might need extra help in classes when all of my other friends didn’t.  

Although I don’t remember a whole lot of junior high – I do remember struggling to focus in class. I remember teachers moving my seat because I talked too much to my friends. I remember getting a “green slip” (it meant you were in trouble in my school) because I blurted out an answer instead of raising my hand. I remember going into tests without studying for even five minutes because I couldn’t focus long enough without daydreaming.  

Now fast forward to high school from 2010-2012. When I was in grade 10, I was falling behind in quite a few of my courses. I was constantly being reminded by my teachers and parents that I had to start caring about school more if I wanted to graduate with my friends.  

Once the realization set in that I might have to stay in high school for an extra year I started to feel so much guilt and shame. I didn’t want to let my parents down, and I didn’t want my friends to think I was a failure. I wanted to be able to show everyone that I was capable of graduating with my friends. My parents and I also came to the conclusion that French immersion was one of the reasons I was struggling so much in school. I mean it makes sense – it isn’t my first language so at the time I can see where this idea came from. It was a lot easier to tell people I struggled learning a new language than it was to tell them that I struggled with the language I have been speaking my whole life. I dropped out of French immersion in grade 11 and I started to buckle down for the last two years of high school. 

I spent hours every single day re-writing notes after school and going over things that could possibly be on tests. I convinced myself that maybe people were right. Maybe I was just lazy and didn’t care about school enough. I was finally receiving good grades now that I was dedicating basically my whole life to school. I enjoyed getting compliments from teachers and my parents, which ended with me pushing to the back of my subconscious mind that there may be more to it than me just being lazy. 

Now fast forward a few months after graduating grade 12 and I’m on my way to the next chapter of my life. I was really excited to go to university and thought now that I wasn’t lazy, I would pass all my courses with flying colours. BOY, WAS I WRONG! Not only did the feelings of being stupid, not good enough, and isolated come back in university – so did that thought that maybe it was something else causing my struggles in school.  

Not only was I struggling with my courses in my first year of university, I was also away from home for the first time and had no sweet clue how to be a grown-up. My ability to focus was lost again. My priorities were strictly drinking for the first time in my life and making new friends. Because my attention was focused on all the things you do at university not relating to the school part, I was failing courses. And the ones that I wasn’t failing? I was just passing. I couldn’t hold my attention long enough to study for a test and was daydreaming during every lecture. 

I remember being in one of my psychology classes and talking about IQ. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. I felt a sense of, what I now know is, shame. I thought about how I didn’t belong in university and that my teachers that told me I wouldn’t go anywhere in life were right. Guilt quickly sunk in. As wild as this sounds now, I remember feeling grateful and a bit of relief knowing we didn’t have to take an IQ test. I remembered thinking that I knew something was off about my focus at school and because of that I would probably fail an IQ test if given one. I felt like a fraud sitting in the classroom next to people that deserved to be there. This guilt, shame, and sadness quickly took a downward spiral.  

It turns out if you don’t do well in university, they don’t make you get your failed tests signed by your parents like teachers used to when I was in junior high.

***THANK GOD: that did a lot of damage on my self-esteem and confidence, as I’m sure many others experienced as well***

Instead, they send you a letter telling you that you’re on academic probation. A month had passed since I moved home for the summer when I received a letter in the mail from STU (my university).  

I went into my room and opened it with a huge smile on my face because getting mail feels like Christmas to me. The excitement I was experiencing quickly switched gears into sadness and shame. All I remember reading is that my GPA was below a certain level and if I didn’t get it up by a certain point I would be kicked out of university. 

I instantly started to cry. I kept telling myself that my teachers from junior high and high school were right. I won’t amount to anything. I was stupid. I was lazy. I wasn’t smart enough to go to university. I started to blame myself for having fun in my first year and not focusing on school. Yes, I definitely should have focused more on school and a bit less on socialization, but it wasn’t the only reason behind my struggles in school. I didn’t tell a SOUL until years after I received that letter. Not my parents, not my friends, not anyone. The shame I felt from reading the words “academic probation” resulted in me getting my GPA above the level that you needed in order to stay enrolled in the school. I didn’t want everyone to realize I was a fraud and a failure so I tried as hard as I could to just get by. 

It wasn’t until my third or fourth year of university when the psychologist I was seeing mentioned me possibly having ADHD. The psychologist asked me if I was ever diagnosed with ADHD in my lifetime. All I could do at the time was laugh and think “okay doc, I know I talk a lot and have a lot of energy but there is no way I have ADHD.” I felt an instant protector mode come over me because I subconsciously still didn’t want to admit that I was different than my friends and classmates.  

The truth is my perception of ADHD was probably one that most of us have: a little boy bouncing off the walls and having a shit ton of energy. I ended up ignoring this suggestion and stopped going to see the psychologist. I told myself it was too much out of my way to go to my appointments once a month. I convinced myself that taking that one hour, once a month, to go see the psychologist was time spent away from studying and I needed to focus on school. 

I ended up graduating from St. Thomas University in 2016 with a major in Criminology and two minors in Human Rights and Sociology. This is a part of my life that I never used to be proud of because I barely passed most of my courses and didn’t feel like I deserved the degree. I’ve come to realize there was a lot to be proud of in those four years, including getting through unofficially diagnosed with ADHD.  

Flash forward to the fall of 2021 when I am seeing a counsellor at NSHA. Who, on a side note, has made a drastic positive impact on my life that I will be forever grateful for. 

I mentioned to my counsellor that in 2015/2016 I was asked by a psychologist if I was ever diagnosed with ADHD. As a counsellor, he wasn’t able to diagnose me but he made the suggestion that I get a referral done from my family doctor to get into an ADHD specialist.  

This is where my true ADHD journey began. 

I was referred to the ADHD specialist in September 2021, and in January 2022 I was sitting across from him at my appointment getting a proper diagnosis of ADHD. I quickly booked an appointment with my family doctor to go over medication and started Vyvanse right away. I’ve been on anxiety medication and anti-depressants. Nothing has quite made me feel more myself than my ADHD medication.  

In a Ted Talk called “Failing at Normal: An ADHD Success Story,” Jessica McCabe talks briefly about taking medication for the first time. This is how she describes her first-time taking medication: “The first time I took my medication, it was like putting on glasses and realizing I could see without squinting. I could focus.” I remember taking the medication and realizing I could actually think one thought at a time. I didn’t realize that for 27 years I was having way too many thoughts going on at once inside of my head. I thought that the way my mind worked was how everyone else’s worked. I didn’t realize how busy and overworked my brain was for the past 27 years. After taking my ADHD medication I could actually sit down and write again. It honestly blew my mind how much more in control of my mind I felt. 

The first bit after the diagnosis of ADHD I was exhilarated. I was researching everything there is to know about ADHD. I was making connections from my past behaviours to this new diagnosis. Things in my life were starting to make sense and it was so relieving. I felt like I finally had the answer as to why I was always misplacing my keys and phone. I understood why I couldn’t listen to music with too much bass or have too many different sounds going on at once. It turns out I get overstimulated, which is something that’s super common in people with ADHD. I understood why certain fabrics of bed sheets and clothes bothered my skin to a point where I couldn’t have it touching me anymore. I understood why I struggled doing chores my whole life and why I always found myself daydreaming instead.  

I was really happy and felt so free for the first bit of this journey. Making connections of my new diagnosis to experiences from my past for the most part was really interesting. At one point though my excitement and happiness started to change directions. I felt a lot of shame, guilt, anger, frustration and sadness come in. I was so hurt at the fact that people thought I was lazy, loud, annoying, and impulsive instead of seeing me as someone that was struggling and needed help. I was struggling with my self-esteem and built up a lot of resentment because I didn’t understand how I went 27 years undiagnosed. I found myself lashing out at people I love, and I lost a lot of interest in the things I loved most. 

It wouldn’t be helpful to anyone if I lied about me struggling sometimes. Through this journey, negative emotions still come up. There are days, I am angry that people don’t understand why too many sounds at once sends me into an instant state of panic because I’m over stimulated. There are days I fear that my ADHD will get in the way of having true meaningful relationships (both friends and romantic). There are days I feel resentment towards people that didn’t realize I was struggling my whole life. There are days I still feel as if no one understands me. There are days that I get frustrated about having ADHD and wish I could be neurotypical.  

But, as I grow, and as I learn to love myself on this journey, those days become less often, less intense, and less scary. 

And in those times, when I struggle to see the light, I start to remind myself how far I’ve come. I remind myself that my regular meditation practices help me become more aware and less reactive to situations I feel overstimulated by. I remind myself that I am constantly working towards the best version of myself and that those who love me unconditionally will accept me as who I am. I remind myself that my perception of ADHD used to be a little boy bouncing off the walls with non-stop energy, which helps me have compassion towards the people that didn’t realize I was struggling. Because they too, like me, weren’t educated. I remind myself that it’s hard for people to understand what you are going through if they don’t understand the situation itself. I remind myself that because of my non neurotypical brain, I am more empathetic, compassionate, creative, passionate and many more traits that people with ADHD seem to have. 

Most of all I remind myself to be compassionate towards myself. I remind myself that all my feelings are valid that come up. I read positive affirmations and practice gratitude to help me stay more level headed. I remind myself that every day is another chance to grow and learn something new. Every day is another chance to be kinder to myself and find new ways to love myself. 

I wanted to share my story for a bit and I am glad that I am getting the chance to do so now. To anyone that reads this and is going through the same thing, something similar, or even something completely different –you are never alone, and you are always enough. 

Cheers,

K