It has been a long time since I have posted on my Pink Rose blog page. December 18th, 2022, to be exact.
After I wrote my last post I went through a bit of an emotional downward spiral for a couple of weeks. I couldn’t explain the way I was feeling those few weeks even if someone were to hold a gun to me to try and explain. All I know is the two weeks following my last blog post were both the best and the worst days I’ve had in a long time.
Every single thing was irritating me. My fiancé would breathe the wrong way and I would snap. The dogs would bark at something outside and I would lose my cool. I was crying hysterically more hours of the day than not, and the hours I wasn’t crying — I was picking apart every aspect of my life. I was questioning my relationship, I was questioning my worth, I was questioning who I was, and lastly, I was questioning my sanity.
You see, I’ve had bad weeks before. Weeks where I find myself on the bathroom floor hyperventilating from crying so much, or weeks where I couldn’t get out of bed to shower more than a couple of times. This was different though. My emotions were taking over every part of my day. I would throw my phone in anger and leave the house bawling my eyes out and threatening my fiancé that I was leaving for good.
While I was doing and saying these things, they didn’t feel right. It was like my body was doing these actions even though my brain was telling me to ask for help and not run. I couldn’t figure out why I was so emotionally overwhelmed. It got to the point where I told my fiancé I was spending the night in a hotel room because I needed to think about whether or not we should be together.
Once I got to the hotel room, I quickly sunk into a deep sense of sadness. I ordered food, but couldn’t eat. I tried to write, but my hand wouldn’t move. I tried to give Spencer, my fiancé, space, when all I really wanted was to be held and understood. I ended up not staying the night at the hotel because I felt scared, lonely, and heartbroken. I went back to our house where I once again, quickly lost my cool and threw my phone at the wall in anger. It was like my body was doing things without me even thinking. Once minute I was talking to Spencer and the next minute I was the angriest I have ever been and acting in ways I couldn’t comprehend.
I mentioned to my fiancé that my period was late, and that maybe all these intense emotions were because we were pregnant. Even though I said these words to him, I didn’t fully believe that I was actually carrying a child. I’ve been late with my period before and have taken a pregnancy test only for it to read negative. I, however, have never in my life experienced emotions the way that I was experiencing them the past two weeks.
We headed to Shoppers, around midnight, to pick up two pregnancy tests. When we got home I had to go to the bathroom so I told Spencer I was going to take a test. Out of handful of times I have taken a pregnancy test, I have always read the instructions — until this time. I peed on the stick and waited, and waited, and waited. After 20 minutes and absolutely nothing on the screen, I decided to read the instructions to see if I did something wrong. It turns out I didn’t wait for the screen to light up with a clock before using the bathroom, therefore, the pregnancy test wouldn’t work.
I couldn’t go to the bathroom again that night so I told Spencer I would take the other test when I woke up in the morning, even though he was going to be at work. Things were still very tense between us because the past two weeks had been absolutely hell. We were starting to work things out, but nonetheless, still not the usual ease we have when we are together.
At 5am the dogs woke me up to go to the bathroom, and while they were outside on the deck, I decided to take the pregnancy test. I read the instructions again and made sure I did everything right so I wouldn’t waste another one. The clock started to flash after I used it, and I went on with the morning taking care of the dogs. I actually forgot about the test for at least 20 minutes because I was getting the dogs settled again before we went back to bed. I texted Spencer letting him know that I was going to check the test and I would text him the results.
I’ll never, ever, forget the feeling I had when I walked into the bathroom, looked down at the test, and read positive. I stood there in shock. I was pregnant. Spencer and I were going to be parents.
So many thoughts crossed my mind, but the first one was to let Spencer know. I quickly sent him a picture of the test results. Then, because patience is something I am working on, called him instead of waiting for him to see the picture. We were both so scared and so excited at the same time. We were going to be parents. We were bringing a little bundle of joy into this life. We were creating a new chapter in our lives. The best one yet.
I would love to say that everything has been great ever since finding out that we were expecting. That, however, would be a lie. Pregnancy has been a beautiful gift us as a couple, and to myself as someone who continues to challenge myself to grow as an individual. I still have a lot of days where it seems like my emotions take over my body (especially with the intense emotions pregnancy brings).
But like I said above, finding out that I am going to be a mother has been a beautiful gift.
Knowing that I will have a little girl look up to me for the rest of my life has driven me to start a brand new healing journey.
I’m really excited (and also anxious) to get back into writing and share with everyone how 2023 has been the best year of my life. I’m looking forward to sharing this journey with whomever may stumble across my posts.
This was one of the hardest blog posts I’ve written because it has been so long since I’ve encouraged myself to. It is also one of the ones that feels the most real and true to myself, which is something I am working on being more often.
Cheers,
K
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