Tag: authentic self

Emotions Overload

thepinkrosediary

August 7th… I completely broke down.

My emotions completely took over my mind, and body.

Disgust with the chores that have to be done around the house.

Anxiety about all the little things that need to get done before baby Isabella arrives.

Guilt for doing a puzzle instead of checking items off my to do list. 

Worry about whether or not I would be a good enough mom. 

Overwhelm due to not being able to explain how I was feeling.

Helpless because all I could do was cry.

I just broke. 

I felt every emotion, and every emotion so intensely. 

I express most of my emotions through tears. I’m sad? I cry. I’m angry? I cry. I feel overwhelmed? I cry. I’m overjoyed? I cry. 

So when they all come at once, you can only imagine the amount of tears that came. It wasn’t the cute cry that can happen when I’m watching a sad movie, or feeling love so strong that tears come — it was a full on ugly, intense cry. Tears were streaming down my face mixed in with an abnormal amount of snot coming from my nose. I couldn’t stop. Hyperventilating started and my chest got blotchy. I started sweating profusely and could barely get a word out in-between blowing my nose and trying to catch my breath.

I told my fiancé that I felt overwhelmed with everything that we had to do before the baby comes. He instantly got up and started doing things in order to relieve some of those emotions for me. The thing was when he started to move around the house — I felt even more overwhelmed. There was so much I wanted to get done I didn’t know where to start. I couldn’t sit down and make a plan because that felt too overwhelming as well. 

So instead of accomplishing any chores or tasks of the to-do-list, I just cried.

My fiancé got me a coffee, my computer, and some water while I started to calm down. He reminded me we just need to take one day at a time, and one task at a time. We decided it was for the best that we both took a breather and when we were feeling more relaxed and in a calmer state, we would make a plan. 

…

I have been working on healing for quite sometime now. This includes figuring out who I am, why I say, do, and act the way that I do, and finding out who I want to be.

Looking back at my breakdown reminds me of something I have learned about during this healing process. A lot of my actions and reactions stem from childhood. The way I handle how I react to big emotions stem from childhood. You see, when I was a baby or a young kid… I was pretty innocent. I had a huge imagination, I would sing and dance without a care in the world, I would ask questions that were on my mind, and I would take in the environment around me.

When we are at a young age, we don’t have the capacity to understand emotions and feelings. We feel them, of course, but to understand what they are telling us is beyond our capacity of knowledge at such a young age. We do, however, feel them and remember the feelings. We then are taught how to cope with the emotion we are experiencing either intentionally, or unintentionally. 

For instance, when big emotions occurred for me when I was a child — I was pushed away. I was told to be quiet and be thankful for everything that I have. I was told by caregivers, and other adults that they were the adult and what they said goes. I was told not to make a scene. I was told I was being selfish. I was told by my caregiver “I’ll give you something to cry about.” 

I was being asked to make myself smaller and ignore these intense feelings that were coming up as if they would never occur again. I wasn’t sat down and talked through how to cope with them in a healthy way. I wasn’t reminded that big emotions happen to every single person on earth and that it’s okay to feel them. I wasn’t taught that talking about how I felt would help me understand the situation better. I wasn’t encouraged to feel my emotions, rather, I was taught to push them away and not show them.

The thing about this is that it carried on throughout my whole life. I’m 29 years old and still struggle to regulate my emotions. When the same feelings I experienced as a child come up, I feel them in my body, and then respond to them the same way I saw when I was just a kid.

I will go quiet, as if trying to shut out my emotions because I believe they aren’t supposed to be felt. I can hyperventilate until I’m almost puking because I’ve tried so hard not to feel the emotion that it has start to overtake my body. I will push whoever is close to me away because comfort was something that was foreign to me and it doesn’t feel safe when someone offers it. I will start talking negatively to myself. I’ll tell myself other people have it harder than I do, so I shouldn’t be upset. I’ll tell myself I’m being selfish. I’ll tell myself I’m not normal for feeling the way that I do. I isolate myself. I disassociate from everything and everyone. I do all of this because it’s all I know.

I do this because it’s what I saw and was taught to do as a child. Not out of lack of love or not caring about me. I was taught this because it’s the tools that the people that helped raise me had. Growing up they weren’t shown empathy or compassion when they experienced big emotions, either. They were told the same things that they eventually started to tell me. It’s generational trauma that will keep going until someone decides to stop it.

This scares me a lot when I think about raising a child. I worry that my big emotions will show too often and I will still be struggling with how to cope with them in a healthy way.

But, on the positive side, I’m thankful I am now aware of this. I’m thankful I can start to be kind to myself when I feel so overwhelmed that it’s as if my body is being taken over. I can start to train myself to take a step back when I notice my physical symptoms appearing, for instance, rapid heartbeat, sweating, clenched fists, fidgeting, zoning out, and more. When I notice these symptoms I can remind myself that a big emotion is festering and about to show. I can talk kindly to myself and not continue the negative self talk pattern that is all I know. 

With hard work and dedication, I can show my little girl that it’s okay to feel big emotions. It’s okay to feel out of control sometimes. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be scared. She can watch me talk to myself kindly while I work through big emotions, and by doing this, she will start to be kind to herself when she feels them as well. By practicing these I will be able to not only handle my big emotions, but Isabella’s as well. I’ll be able to show love and compassion instead of irritation and control. I can be the role model she needs growing up. 

Being Emotionally Vulnerable Scares Me

thepinkrosediary

I don’t mind being vulnerable in the sense that I don’t mind telling others about past traumas that have taught me lessons and helped shape me into the person I am today. In those situations I don’t even feel like I’m being vulnerable because I find it so easy. But… expressing to something how I’m feeling about something/someone? That’s where I shut down. I find it extremely difficult to be vulnerable with myself and others when it comes to my emotions. 

To look at someone and express that I am feeling shame, embarrassment, fear, jealousy, guilt, depressed, or defensive — is one of the toughest things for me to do. To open up the potential of getting rejected, misunderstood, laughed at, or ignored TERRIFIES me. It has scared me so much that I started to internalize everything I felt, thought, and wanted. I thought that internalizing my hard emotions would make them disappear. I thought that if I pushed the hard emotions so far away that they would just leave me alone and I would be happy.

Well folks, I have learned recently that I was very, very wrong. These emotions that needed to be felt started showing up in basically all areas in my life, and not in healthy ways. 

I was projecting my toxic traits onto others. I would do this so I didn’t have to come face to face with the reality that I can be toxic, too. If I admitted that I can be toxic, it put the potential to feel the emotions that I kept trying to run away from. So instead, I would judge others for being controlling without reflecting on my own controlling behaviours that I have. I would get irritated when someone would cut me off in traffic, but at the next set of lights I would do it to someone else because I was anxious I was going to be late. I would call others out for judging, when I was judging them for judging in the first place.

I was lashing out at people I love when I would experience an intense emotion that I tried to avoid for so long. Whenever I would start to experience shame, I would start yelling and projecting myself onto others. I didn’t know how to cope with the emotions in a healthy way because the only thing I knew was to ignore them.

I was getting SO mad at myself for having such poor reactions to certain situations. There would be days where if someone closed the door the wrong way my fists would clench, my heart would start racing, and I would be fuming with irritation. My reactions were becoming so unhealthy and so harmful to myself and others that I needed to do something. 

I didn’t love who I was becoming. Every day it seemed like something else was adding to my list of things that annoyed me. I cried every single day. I felt empty every single day. I didn’t recognize myself in all areas of my life: work, home, family, and relationships. 

There has only been one thing that has been my saving grace through this process.

I think the best thing I have ever done for myself, and continue to do for myself, is truly getting to know me… and that means even the emotions I have tried to push away most of my life.

I’m guessing that a majority of the folks that end up reading this will think they know themselves; just like I thought I knew myself two years ago. But the thing is, I’m not talking about knowing the basic things about myself. I’m not talking about my favourite colour or which person from Love is Blind this season is my favourite (Nancy, my girl — you are my spirit animal on a side note).

I’m talking about really getting to know myself on an intimate, deep, authentic and real level.

I’m talking about:

  • Getting to know my triggers
  • Recognizing harmful character traits in myself
  • Getting to know my core values in life
  • Recognizing my negative thinking pattern
  • Digging into past traumas
  • Finding out what my true passions are
  • Becoming self accepting and self loving
  • Setting boundaries
  • Exploring my childhood
  • Finding the parts of me that I hid away from the world in order to fit in
  • Embracing autonomy
  • Learning my love language, my personality type, and so much more

These past two years of getting to know myself more have been the most life changing years of my life. It has also been the hardest thing I have ever decided to do. Re-living past traumas, diving into my toxic traits, and setting boundaries would have been nearly impossible for me to do without my amazing support system. Without my parents, my counsellors, my friends, or my partner — I wouldn’t have been where I am today. 

With my support team, my courage, my curiosity, and my commitment to really getting to know myself; I am starting to be able to release built up emotions that were stuffed away for so long — and replace that spot with more love.

Empathy

thepinkrosediary

I remember one time in grade 10 English class we all had to bring in a rough draft of a paper we were going to submit later on that month. The teacher collected the papers and then started to rip off our names off the corners. After she did that, she started to explain to the class that she was going to give everyone a copy of someone else’s paper to correct. We wouldn’t know whose it was because the name would be ripped off. My heart instantly sank. I never really enjoyed people reading my writing. I was always very timid of being wrong or not being smart enough so the thought of someone reading my paper scared the shit out of me.  

When I received my paper back after it was being corrected by one of my classmates, I remembered why I hated it so much. The one thing that I remember being written on my paper was “this paper is too personal, maybe try something that isn’t as personal.”  

I was embarrassed. The paper I wrote was very close to my heart. After that I absolutely hated when people read my work, and still to this day I hesitate making my blog posts too personal. The thing I realized is that the people that influenced me the most on my journey to becoming my authentic self all told very vulnerable stories. Reading and listening to these vulnerable stories of others helped me feel less alone and more connected to myself. 

My focus isn’t going to be on the folks who think my work is too personal. The truth is – a lot of it is going to be very personal. My goals and focus are to help someone feel less lonely like bloggers, podcasters, and authors did for me.  

So here it goes, my story about Empathy. 

In early 2020 (when the first shut down was happening) I was going through a really hard time in my life for a few different reasons. The first reason was because I loved school and was having a hard time coming to terms with not going back in person. On top of COVID stopping me from going to class in person – I was also struggling with low self-esteem and I was craving intimacy. 

I had been single for 4 years at this point and was starting to feel lonely.  

I met a guy through a mutual friend who told me up front he didn’t want a relationship. At the time I didn’t realize how badly I need connection and intimacy in my life, so I too said that I wasn’t looking for anything long-term (when I read this to my partner later, he will probably laugh because he knows how much I love connection and intimacy). 

We met and there was this instant emotional connection that I felt with him. I felt safe when he was around and I could tell that whenever I opened up about something he truly cared and took everything in. In my past, this wasn’t something I ever experienced. I always felt like I annoyed my partners when I would share personal stories. I never felt as if someone truly heard or understood me. 

We ended up spending quite a bit of time together. The more time we spent together the more feelings other than “friends” started to grow. Not just on my part either – we both started to fall for each other. 

But at the end of the day, I wanted a relationship and he still didn’t.  

It hurt a lot. I couldn’t understand how we could both feel this strong of a pull towards each other but he still did not want anything to come of it. 

I quickly sunk into a pretty deep depression. I started to push my family and friends away. I was going for drives by myself at night to sit in a parking lot and cry. I was turning off all my location settings because I didn’t want anyone to find me and try to talk me out of being sad. I isolated myself completely. I got to a very low point that was difficult to overcome, especially when I couldn’t even put it words the emotions I was feeling at the time. 

Both really wanting love again and feeling a very strong emotional connection with him made it hard to move on right away. I couldn’t explain to my friends at the time what it was about him that I liked so much because all they could see were the red flags I blatantly ignored. 

Because there were so many red flags my friends had a hard time seeing the good qualities that I saw in him. It kind of made them blind to how deeply depressed I was.  

Whenever I would cry or say that I felt down the responses I would receive from my friends (most of the time) would be: 

  • You’ll get over him soon 
  • He told you he didn’t want a relationship 
  • Some people just aren’t meant to be together 
  • It’s better now than later when you develop deep feelings 
  • He’s an awful person. You can do better. 
  • You were warned this was going to happen 

While I know none of these words were meant to hurt me – they did. I kept wondering why no one understood where I was coming from. I kept thinking that if people are telling me I shouldn’t be this upset about a situation, then maybe something is truly wrong with me. 

**Turns out a lot of females with ADHD feel emotions much more intensely than females without. Also, a lot of people with ADHD have a hard time regulating their emotions, which is something I have struggled with my whole life. 

I kept a very negative narrative in my head saying things like: 

  • Why can’t I be normal? 
  • Why am I so sad over this? 
  • What is wrong with me? 
  • Will I ever be enough for someone? 
  • Why do I feel my emotions so intensely? 
  • Will I ever be normal? 

It took me a long time to heal from this.  

It wasn’t until my journey of self-growth that I was able to look back at a time that really caused me a lot of hurt and reflect on it in a healthy way. I did this by constantly researching ways I can find my true self. I was constantly trying to find ways to be a better person.  

I listen to a LOT of self-help podcasts now. A lot of them talk about empathy and how practicing empathy (yes, it can take a lot of practice) can bring you more connected to not only others, but yourself as well. Sometimes I will YouTube guests that are on podcasts and listen to different videos of them talking. 

That’s when I stumbled onto the YouTube video:

It really helped me connect the dots in my life when she says towards the end of the video: 

“Because the truth is, rarely, can a response make something better. What makes something better, is connection.” 

This started me on a HUGE discovery of Brené Browns work. I will talk about her quite often on my blog because I believe that her words have helped me find my authentic self again, and truly teach me ways to love myself again. 

By reading Brené Browns work I started to understand that what helps us feel connected to people. The thing Brené Brown says is what connects us the most is empathy. 

Empathy is what I was missing in my conversations with some of my friends when my heart was broken in 2020. 

I was being judged for having feelings towards him, being this upset over it, and talking to him in the first place. I was being told not to listen to sad music because it would make things worse. I was getting shamed for being sad over something that caused me a great amount of pain. 

Being judged made me feel unconnected from everyone. It made me feel alone and isolated. It made me feel crazy.  

I know that the reasoning behind this isn’t because my friends are terrible friends. Just like, when I too tried to fix my friends problems in the past, it wasn’t because I didn’t love them or didn’t care about them.  

It’s because: 

  1. I wasn’t comfortable talking about hard feelings because sometimes they triggered things I wasn’t ready to heal yet, or 
  1. I didn’t know how much power empathy has and the connectedness it brought  

That doesn’t mean that me and my friends don’t have good intentions. We do. We say things like “you can do better,” and “it’s better now than later,” because we want the person to know there is a bright side to look on. I know my heart just breaks whenever I see a friend sad. I’m always wishing I could do something to take away their pain instead. I start trying to say things that seem positive instead of just being there and feeling their pain with them so they don’t feel alone. 

I think looking on the bright side is so important, but it isn’t the first step. The first step is to recognize how the person is feeling and reacting to that with empathy. Empathy brings connection. Empathy helps remind the person that they aren’t alone, because I too have felt deep sadness or shame.  

Empathy is a skill that has taken me some time to develop. If I had tried to feel empathy towards every single person in my life right away – it would have been too much. I could have triggered something that wasn’t healed yet or become too empathetic and forget about my own feelings. 

Practicing empathy has been hard because it has also helped me reflect on why I don’t have empathy for certain people and situations. (It helped me identify my triggers and what caused them, another topic for a blog one day!!!) 

I strive to have more and more empathy every single day. There are days where empathy still seems impossible, but I remind myself that I am not perfect. I do not need to be perfect either – I just want to push myself a little bit harder than the day before. 

I’m not sharing this story for empathy either. I am healed from this experience; that is why I am comfortable sharing it. I’m so thankful for this experience because although I was in a dark place – it taught me so much. 

It taught me that loneliness is one of my least favourite feelings to feel for long periods of time.

It also led me to a healthy relationship with a man that continues to want to grow with me every single day. 

This experience has led me to the love of my life. A man that challenges himself every single day with me to be a better person, even when it gets really dark and hard. A man that applauds me when I stand up for myself instead of calling me down to my worst. A man that can reflect on his actions and can apologize first, but also will call me out when I am being the stubborn one that needs to apologize first but won’t. A man that drives me absolutely bonkers by singing to himself every second of the day – but also is so comfortable being himself and that inspires the heck out of me even when he’s blurting out the wrong lyrics. A man that has not yet once questioned this path that I am taking, but instead decided to join me for the ride.  

This past year and a half with my partner has taught me more about myself and taught me how to love someone on a whole different level. I am so grateful for all that experience has taught me and that it led me to a relationship that makes me feel whole instead of invisible.

I truly am grateful not only for this rollercoaster in 2020, but for my growth. To be able to take a step back and learn from a situation that caused a lot of pain instead of staying cold towards it shows the amount of growth I have done. Every single day I get amazed about how much I am growing, and get excited to see what’s next in store for my journey. 

Although it has been really hard at times on this journey, I know that practicing empathy for others has brought more happiness into my life.  

Practicing empathy has helped me really understand people on a whole different level. It has brought my relationships so much closer and so much more real. It feels so good to be able to truly understand someone’s feelings and be emotionally connected to them so I can help support them the best way possible. 

To me, seeing and feeling someone empathize with me is the most comforting, safe, and purist feeling. I instantly feel a little bit lighter, a little bit more courageous, and a little less alone. 

Cheers,

K