Usually I want to have a really nice written blog post and start stressing myself out when it becomes 7:30pm and my page is still blank. This is happening to me tonight.
I’ve learned a lot about self compassion lately and know that it is something I need to practice more often. So tonight, instead of getting mad at myself for not having anything, I am going to explain why I don’t.
I spent all day trying to write a letter to my work asking for accommodations. My mental health has been not great at all lately, and I have been struggling. I have been mostly struggling due to my ADHD diagnosis.
After getting diagnosed with ADHD at 27 years old I was sent to my doctor to talk about medication. I was then put on medication and not given any resources, tips, or an explanation about the diagnosis. Sure, having the answers as to why I acted the way I did my whole life was a breath of fresh air — but that only lasted for about 2 months. Then, the “honeymoon” phase I’ll call it of getting a late diagnosis faded. I started not being able to focus at work, I was becoming more and more reactive, and I was constantly criticizing myself for not being normal.
It has been a really hard road trying to figure out my ADHD by myself. Trying to figure out how to start regulating my emotions after 27 years of being told that I was just too emotional or sensitive is really difficult. Trying to re-wire my brain is hard. It’s especially hard because I burn myself out every single day trying to act as if I’m not struggling. I hold my tears in until my drive home from work. I go into the bathroom to let my ugly tears out.
Trying to cope with a new diagnosis with no idea on where to go is very isolating and depressing. It’s dark, sad, scary, and lonely.
However, I have grown more resilient, courageous, independent, and adaptable because of having to try to figure this out on my own. I have been able to understand myself more because I am taking the time to truly understand how my brain works and finding ways to cope with it in a healthier manner.
I know that I am rambling on for a lot of this post, but the truth is — it took me all day to write a letter and I am exhausted. I want to spend the rest of the night cuddled up with my dogs and my partner. I want to show that I am human. Tonight — I really didn’t have anymore energy to type out a huge post with a lot of content people can learn from. Tonight, I just wanted to be me and accept it as it is.
When I was younger the demands in my life weren’t as high. It was easier to fake finding daily tasks hard because there weren’t as many. I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities so I was able to hyper focus on the ones that I did have. I was able to focus on both trying extra hard to achieve things and hiding the personality traits I shamed myself for.
I didn’t really mind hiding who I truly was because I was ashamed of her. I was ashamed of needing more help than others did. I was ashamed that I interrupted people when they were talking and that I talked more than most people I knew. I was ashamed with how much of a burden I felt like I was. I was ashamed that things didn’t come easy to me and I had to put in 200% effort into every day tasks. I was ashamed that I misplaced my keys and phone at least a few times a day. I was ashamed that I always had a messy room with clothes everywhere. I was ashamed that more often than not I wanted to scream at someone for hurting me because I don’t know how to regulate my emotions.
The thing is… as I got older, as I fell in love, as I grew as a person, and as I took on more responsibility at work — the demands became too much. The demands that I had when I was younger were so easy to push through because there were so little. I quickly have become overwhelmed with the amount of things I “need” to do.
I started not being able to focus at work. I have a hard time following through with the dozens of ideas I want to execute at work. Once I tried to take on more responsibility, I wasn’t able to try to hide the fact that I was struggling. I’m not able to hide the fact that I am so burnt out at the end of every single day because I have to put 200% effort into everything that I do.
As I grow as a person the demands became really high too. I have been focusing on parts of me that I have been ashamed of for years, and looking into the reason behind these feelings. There have been so many dark emotions that have come up, which puts a lot of demand on my well being. I get so excited to learn new ways to grow that I forget to use the techniques I am researching about. I get hyper focused on the end goal of my personal growth that I forget to congratulate myself for how far I have come.
Another huge part of my self growth is trying to be able to regulate my emotions better. Not being able to regulate my emotions well is a trait that often times make me feel a huge abundance of shame and sadness. The demand I put on myself to not react the way I have to triggers for the majority of my life has become too much.
Being so hyper focused on personal growth has put so much demand not just on me, but my relationship too.
The love I have for my partner is the purest love I have ever had. The ability we both have to come together to talk about what we need to work on has been the most beautiful, inspiring, and grounding experience. Not only is he my partner — he’s my best friend too.
That being said, the demands on a healthy relationship can be really straining when you are also trying to work on yourself. I once again forget to appreciate the process of growth in a relationship that I get upset when we aren’t growing fast enough.
The demands of trying to balance becoming a healthier person physically, emotionally, and mentally along with trying to be a better partner and worker has become too much.
Having ADHD is exhausting. I’m exhausted, burnt out, and overwhelmed.
The truth is — I feel very lost and don’t know what to do most of the time. I feel like the demands in my life are too much. The demands seem to be adding on and on and I feel as if I could break. At times, I still find it hard to accept certain parts of my ADHD. Not just because demands seem to be overtaking most of my life — but because of not being able to regulate my emotions.
BUT! Do you want to know the toughest part about having ADHD? How misunderstood I am by others.
When I tell someone that I am struggling to follow through with a task because of my ADHD — I get looks. The looks scream “she’s just trying to use her ADHD as an excuse,” and “she’s over exaggerating — the task that she’s trying to do is so easy. She’s just being lazy.”
The thing is I’m actually sometimes embarrassed about having ADHD. The main reason is because when I disclaim that I have it and explain that it impacts my executive functioning — I feel hopeless, dependent, and reliable. I feel like a little kid going to my parents for help to reach something in the fridge because I’m too short. People look at me like if you just try a little harder you will be able to do this task.
I don’t think people understand just how hard I am trying every single day. Mainly to do every day tasks. Trying to put effort into a chore or project I have zero interest in can be nearly impossible somedays. I can stare at a sink full of dishes for 20 minutes trying to get my brain to stop focusing on the million other things running through my mind so I can focus on this one little task that will relieve a lot of stress. Although I’m telling myself that I will feel better once I’m done washing them, there are times I still can’t get the motivation to do it.
For a lot of folks it’s easy to see the sink full of dishes and go do them. Sure, a lot of people will dread doing them and may even get annoyed doing it — but it doesn’t drain them the way it drains someone with ADHD. My brain is constantly having thoughts overload, which makes it REALLY difficult to focus on one thing — especially when it’s something I have no interest in. Trying to shut down every single other thought in my mind so I can wash the dishes in the sink can actually be the hardest part of my day sometimes.
I hope that someday ADHD gets more awareness.
I know I am going to use my blog platform to raise more awareness. ADHD may not be all of me — but it is part of me. It’s a part of me that went unrecognized for 27 years, and I am most definitely not the only person out there that went / is going undiagnosed. Having answers to so many questions I’ve had for so many years has truly set me free. I hope the more I bring awareness to ADHD, the more people become familiar with it and can find compassion to those who have it.
The Pink Rose Diary 