I love taking pictures. I take pictures every single day. I pay for extra storage on my phone each month because I have 40,000+ pictures on my phone. I have a hard time letting go of pictures even if I have 45 that look the exact same. I just absolutely love them.
I always thought that the reason I loved pictures so much was because my memory isn’t great. I thought old photos helped me remember moments in my life that I loved. I’ve thought this for a really long time, but today that thought changed.
I think the reason I love taking pictures so much is because I have a really hard time living in the present moment.
I was listening to a Mel Robbins podcast episode yesterday, (which I will post below)!! Mel Robbins talks about how her family is visiting her for a few days and she was so excited to see them. But, just a moment later, she started to feel a complete different emotion. She wasn’t happy anymore, she was sad because she started to think about how they will be leaving in a few days. It made her realize that her mind tends to focus on the future and what could go wrong, which leads her to not fully enjoying the present moment. I HIGHLY recommend listening to this podcast, and a lot of her others. One of my coworkers recommended this to me and I am very blessed that she did.
Today, I am tying this into why I take so many pictures. I was going to blog about my love / hate relationship with fitness, but I changed my mind. While I was looking for transformation pictures, I started wondering why I take so many again. I said to my partner “I’m so glad that I take so many pictures, I think I do it because I tend to not live in the moment because I’m busy worrying about the problems that could happen in the future.”
That’s it. That’s why I love taking pictures. I have such a hard time being in the present moment with my loved ones, friends, family, and even my pets. I’m worrying about money, my career, my relationships, my future, the fact that that the house is a mess, the fact that I haven’t smiled in a few days, or the fact that life is so short and I’m so dissatisfied with what I am doing on a day to day basis right now.
Because my mind goes on this downward spiral about everything going wrong in my life — I struggle to just enjoy what’s happening right in front of me. I’m constantly distracted. There’s always something else on my mind that isn’t the person I’m talking with, or the pet I’m playing with, or the activity I’m trying to accomplish.
I really believe that subconsciously I take a lot of pictures because I want to be able to go back through my phone and see great moments so I can ignore the pain I’m feeling while I’m taking them. I trick my mind into thinking that my life is happy, joyful, and exciting, when in reality — the whole time I’m taking the pictures I’m feeling fear, sadness, or anxiety.
I think I do this because sometimes it’s hard to admit to myself that I am deep down, a very negative person. I have a negative narrative towards myself. This isn’t easy to admit to myself or to anyone that reads that. I usually judge people that are negative because I can feel their energy drain everyone in the room. But, the reason I judge them is because I know that my base level right now is exactly that — negative and draining.
But as hard as it is to admit it — it’s even harder living like this on a daily basis.
I want to become more aware of the present moment. I want to enjoy the moment that I’m in now. I want to be able to know that I was genuinely happy when I was taking the picture. I truly want to start enjoying every moment because like I said, life is way too short.
I think I will challenge myself to start being more present when I am taking pictures. I want to ask myself:
Why am I taking this picture?
What is so special about this moment that I want to capture?
Why is this important to me?
Am I being present with whatever I am taking a picture of?
I think this will help me live more in the now. I will be reminded why I am taking the picture in the first place. I’ll remember the important things in my life. I’ll remember to be present again and be grateful for having such beauty in my life.
I really think this was an “aha” moment for me. I feel very inspired. I feel like I just unfolded another layer of my story.
Cheers,
K
And below… only a very small percentage of the pictures I have on my phone 😉
Here is the YouTube link to the Podcast that I was talking about! Her episodes are amazing, and this one really spoke to me.
I talk about self-reflection a lot because it has been my saving grace this past year.
The truth is, I can be really critical to myself and others.
I start making myself a victim in my own life with how critical I am to myself. The negativity sucks out any ounce of confidence or hope I have.
I suck.
I’m a mess up.
I will never be good enough.
I will never be smart enough.
I will continue to fail.
I will never be normal.
Life sucks.
Why do I have to feel my emotions so intensely?
Will anything good ever happen for me?
When will this hard part of my life end?
Why me?
This habit of bringing myself down is something that I have dealt with for a majority of my life, and still continue to struggle with it today. I am grateful though. I’m grateful because I don’t think I would have been able to see this blindspot of mine if it weren’t for my new love for self reflection.
I can now reflect on situations and ask myself: is the way I want to be treating myself or someone else? Is this the way I want to feel? Is this lining up with my values? Am I speaking up for myself? Is my behaviour hurting myself or someone else?Is it reflecting the person I want to be?
I also give myself permission to feel. I let myself feel the disappointment, shame, fear, and embarrassment I try to run away from. I do this because I’ve learned that by allowing myself to feel my emotions — I am able to start changing my narrative around them.
Instead of asking myself why I’m so emotional I remind myself it’s okay so be sad, angry, hurt, and everything else I am feeling. I remind myself that I’m so lucky to be able to feel my emotions the way that I do. With self reflection, it has given me a brighter outlook on how intensely I feel things — feeling emotions so intensely helps me relate to others so easily. It allows me to show empathy and provide comfort when someone is in need of it.
I remind myself that it’s okay to feel shame for ditching my friends for the millionth time in a row. I remind myself it’s okay to be embarrassed that I find it hard to work right now. I just keep reminding myself that I am human and I am allowed to feel my emotions. I’m allowed to be struggling. I’m allowed to feel confused with life.
Right now I know that my brain is wired to react with criticism, blame, projection, and shame. Self-reflection has given me the ability to start rewiring my brain to choose compassion, love, forgiveness, and kindness. By allowing myself to be open-minded and curious about why I am the way that I am — it has helped me become less of a victim in my own life, and more of a confident, self-loving advocate for myself.
So now, my question is:
What is stopping you from self-reflecting?
Is it fear? Is it because you don’t know how? Is it because it will put you in a vulnerable position with yourself that you haven’t allowed yourself to be in, in a very long time?
Ask yourself why. Ask yourself why again. Keep digging deep until you find the reasoning behind it. And when you think you know the reason behind it — ask why again.
What is the core reasoning behind the way you think, act, and talk?
What is stopping you from asking yourself why you get angry when you’ve been waiting for over an hour on hold for a bill that you shouldn’t have received?
What is stopping you from reflecting on the way that you judged the person at the table beside you at the restaurant for giving the staff a hard time? Instead of continuing to judge the other person, stop and ask yourself why you are judging them in the first place?
Do they have something that you want? Are you subconsciously judging the other person so you don’t have to feel the shame knowing you can show the very actions you’re judging the other person of?
Every single one of us has something we want to work on or should work on. No one is perfect. Perfect just doesn’t exist. I used to think it did, and sometimes I still expect it from others, and myself. But, at the end of the day, I know that perfection is an unrealistic goal to put on myself or anyone else. It drains us. It makes us say things that go against our values so we look good for others. It makes us say yes to too many things in hopes that people will think we are invincible and can do it all.
We are all human. We all have flaws. We all will make mistakes. We all will fail at something. We can’t do it all, all of the time. We need rest. We need to put ourselves first for once.
So, we can continue to let these things break us down, or we can start to self reflect. We can start to become aware of who we are and start choosing to work towards the person we want to be instead. We can start to make changes that allow us to be our true selves. We can become so resilient and happy.
Who do you want to be? Become aware of who that is and start becoming that person.
Take a step back. Be kind to yourself, too. You are human. We have flaws. We will mess up. We will hurt someones feelings. We will have to make a plan B, C, and maybe even a plan Z. The beauty in self-reflection though, is that it’s the first step towards becoming the person you want to be that has been hidden away behind a mask for so long.
I started writing something that I really want to share, but I am deciding to wait. I’m waiting because my heart is telling me to write about something else.
Life has thrown some curveballs our way lately(mine and my partners), which is taking up a lot of my mind. It’s also bringing up a lot of emotions that can be hard to experience. I want to do a brain dump again this week because this is all that’s coming to mind.
I’m scared because I don’t have anymore sick days or vacation days at work, but I’m also not in a place where it would be beneficial for either me or the folks I work with if I was there. I’m scared because I now feel as if I have to choose between my income or mental health and I have no idea what to pick.
I’m angry at the system for not giving me more resources when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I’m angry with myself for not asking my doctor for resources, too. I’m getting angry with myself that I’m not able to put my thoughts to the side so I can write something for my blog. I’m mad at myself for not setting boundaries with people. I’m angry that I was never taught to regulate my emotions and was scolded for showing anything other than content.
I’m sad that I’m scared to speak up for myself because I was always told that speaking up was disrespectful. I’m sad that I struggle to be confident because I allowed myself to believe words that were told to me over and over again in the past.
I feel shame for changing so much in my relationship. I feel shame when I don’t have the energy to take the dog for a walk. I feel shame that I couldn’t go to my grandmothers birthday dinner tonight in fear that I would be triggered by someone there. I feel a shit ton of shame because I have been so distant from every single person in my life lately.
I just feel. I just feel so much right now. Trying to balance all these emotions and thoughts is so exhausting. It leaves little to no room for my creativity to come out.
I am, however, very grateful for this experience no matter how hard it has been. I tell my partner this a lot. I know that at the end of the day, every single tear I shed, and everything I learn about my past and myself, is leading me to a beautiful life.
Also, here is a picture of my favourite golden man, Comet. It’s his gotcha day and he brings light into my day every single time he smiles.
Usually I want to have a really nice written blog post and start stressing myself out when it becomes 7:30pm and my page is still blank. This is happening to me tonight.
I’ve learned a lot about self compassion lately and know that it is something I need to practice more often. So tonight, instead of getting mad at myself for not having anything, I am going to explain why I don’t.
I spent all day trying to write a letter to my work asking for accommodations. My mental health has been not great at all lately, and I have been struggling. I have been mostly struggling due to my ADHD diagnosis.
After getting diagnosed with ADHD at 27 years old I was sent to my doctor to talk about medication. I was then put on medication and not given any resources, tips, or an explanation about the diagnosis. Sure, having the answers as to why I acted the way I did my whole life was a breath of fresh air — but that only lasted for about 2 months. Then, the “honeymoon” phase I’ll call it of getting a late diagnosis faded. I started not being able to focus at work, I was becoming more and more reactive, and I was constantly criticizing myself for not being normal.
It has been a really hard road trying to figure out my ADHD by myself. Trying to figure out how to start regulating my emotions after 27 years of being told that I was just too emotional or sensitive is really difficult. Trying to re-wire my brain is hard. It’s especially hard because I burn myself out every single day trying to act as if I’m not struggling. I hold my tears in until my drive home from work. I go into the bathroom to let my ugly tears out.
Trying to cope with a new diagnosis with no idea on where to go is very isolating and depressing. It’s dark, sad, scary, and lonely.
However, I have grown more resilient, courageous, independent, and adaptable because of having to try to figure this out on my own. I have been able to understand myself more because I am taking the time to truly understand how my brain works and finding ways to cope with it in a healthier manner.
I know that I am rambling on for a lot of this post, but the truth is — it took me all day to write a letter and I am exhausted. I want to spend the rest of the night cuddled up with my dogs and my partner. I want to show that I am human. Tonight — I really didn’t have anymore energy to type out a huge post with a lot of content people can learn from. Tonight, I just wanted to be me and accept it as it is.
I don’t mind being vulnerable in the sense that I don’t mind telling others about past traumas that have taught me lessons and helped shape me into the person I am today. In those situations I don’t even feel like I’m being vulnerable because I find it so easy. But… expressing to something how I’m feeling about something/someone? That’s where I shut down. I find it extremely difficult to be vulnerable with myself and others when it comes to my emotions.
To look at someone and express that I am feeling shame, embarrassment, fear, jealousy, guilt, depressed, or defensive — is one of the toughest things for me to do. To open up the potential of getting rejected, misunderstood, laughed at, or ignored TERRIFIES me. It has scared me so much that I started to internalize everything I felt, thought, and wanted. I thought that internalizing my hard emotions would make them disappear. I thought that if I pushed the hard emotions so far away that they would just leave me alone and I would be happy.
Well folks, I have learned recently that I was very, very wrong. These emotions that needed to be felt started showing up in basically all areas in my life, and not in healthy ways.
I was projecting my toxic traits onto others. I would do this so I didn’t have to come face to face with the reality that I can be toxic, too. If I admitted that I can be toxic, it put the potential to feel the emotions that I kept trying to run away from. So instead, I would judge others for being controlling without reflecting on my own controlling behaviours that I have. I would get irritated when someone would cut me off in traffic, but at the next set of lights I would do it to someone else because I was anxious I was going to be late. I would call others out for judging, when I was judging them for judging in the first place.
I was lashing out at people I love when I would experience an intense emotion that I tried to avoid for so long. Whenever I would start to experience shame, I would start yelling and projecting myself onto others. I didn’t know how to cope with the emotions in a healthy way because the only thing I knew was to ignore them.
I was getting SO mad at myself for having such poor reactions to certain situations. There would be days where if someone closed the door the wrong way my fists would clench, my heart would start racing, and I would be fuming with irritation. My reactions were becoming so unhealthy and so harmful to myself and others that I needed to do something.
I didn’t love who I was becoming. Every day it seemed like something else was adding to my list of things that annoyed me. I cried every single day. I felt empty every single day. I didn’t recognize myself in all areas of my life: work, home, family, and relationships.
There has only been one thing that has been my saving grace through this process.
I think the best thing I have ever done for myself, and continue to do for myself, is truly getting to know me… and that means even the emotions I have tried to push away most of my life.
I’m guessing that a majority of the folks that end up reading this will think they know themselves; just like I thought I knew myself two years ago. But the thing is, I’m not talking about knowing the basic things about myself. I’m not talking about my favourite colour or which person from Love is Blind this season is my favourite (Nancy, my girl — you are my spirit animal on a side note).
I’m talking about really getting to know myself on an intimate, deep, authentic and real level.
I’m talking about:
Getting to know my triggers
Recognizing harmful character traits in myself
Getting to know my core values in life
Recognizing my negative thinking pattern
Digging into past traumas
Finding out what my true passions are
Becoming self accepting and self loving
Setting boundaries
Exploring my childhood
Finding the parts of me that I hid away from the world in order to fit in
Embracing autonomy
Learning my love language, my personality type, and so much more
These past two years of getting to know myself more have been the most life changing years of my life. It has also been the hardest thing I have ever decided to do. Re-living past traumas, diving into my toxic traits, and setting boundaries would have been nearly impossible for me to do without my amazing support system. Without my parents, my counsellors, my friends, or my partner — I wouldn’t have been where I am today.
With my support team, my courage, my curiosity, and my commitment to really getting to know myself; I am starting to be able to release built up emotions that were stuffed away for so long — and replace that spot with more love.
This picture really captures one of my most prominent ADHD features: clutter. Especially paper.
I love having ADHD because it has blessed me with my curiosity and love to learn. It can, however, be annoying. When I get hyper-focused on a dozen different topics every single month — it can be hard to organize everything AND try to retain all the information.
I have about 20 different notebooks all full of blog ideas, notes from audiobooks, notes from podcasts, research notes, journal entries, and so much more. There are random papers stuffed inside notebooks or journals. It is very chaotic, but so is my brain 85% of the time. This really represents not only what my notes look like… but what my brain looks like on a daily basis as well.
I decided that I needed to clean this out and start fresh.
So on Saturday morning, once I finished my smoothie bowl, coffee, and positive affirmations (my morning ritual) — I got to work. I put on an episode of Franklin (yes, I am 28 years old and I still love my morning cartoons) and started creating two piles with the papers. I had one pile that was for garbage, and another pile that was full of things I scanned over and thought might have some good content for a future blog post.
That night, I went through the papers I decided were worth keeping, and I found something that really stood out to me.
Awhile back I started listening to an audiobook called “Best Self” by Mike Bayer. I have not finished the audiobook (just like every other audiobook I start basically) but, I did get through some of the first chapters. I remember really enjoying his voice, which helped me stay super focused when I listened to it.
I found some old notes that were labelled:
Chapter 4: Identifying Your Obstacles
Followed by this question:
What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life?
This week, I want to share my answers I wrote. It’s raw, it’s vulnerable, and it’s basically like a journal/diary entry… so it’s real.
What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life?
One fear that has held me back from making changes in my life is the fear of what others will think of me. I get worried that if I make drastic changes in my life, people will talk behind my back and treat me different. My fear of what others will think of me has stopped me many times from making changes to become my true self.
Another fear that I have is the fear of getting hurt. I tend to try and predict what will happen in my future by remembering parts of my past and assuming it’ll happen again. There are times I live in this state of fear and start preparing for the next bad thing to happen instead of living in the moment.
Another fear that has stopped me is the fear of failure. I get scared to do something new, something bold, something hard, or something outside of my comfort zone. The fear of failing at something has stopped me from writing, forming new friendships, and new hobbies. I feel unworthy of doing whatever it is I am trying to do instead of looking at failure as opportunity to learn.
Another fear that has stopped me from making changes is the fear of the unknown. I think to myself “I may not be as happy as I want to be BUT what happens if I make more changes and nothing happens or it gets worse?” The fear of not knowing if the changes I am making are going to positively or negatively impact me… scares the shit out of me.
Another fear that has stopped me is the fear of being alone. The fear of being alone has caused me to remain in toxic relationships longer than I should have. Sometimes, I want to stand up for what I believe in but get scared no one will stand with me through it. I get scared I will be alone if I make changes to become my true self.
Reading these now I am really proud of myself. The amount of growth that I see in me is actually really dang cool. I have gone from someone who has pointed out flaws in everyone else but myself — to someone who’s able to see areas in my life I want to work on and approach them with compassion.
I have also realized that I am missing two things I fear most. The fears that has caused me to miss out on so many things in life and make changes that were necessary. The fears that have disconnected me from people and have stopped me from standing up for what I believe in.
The fear of vulnerability and the fear of being rejected.
I am learning lately that I am more scared of vulnerability and rejection than I am of sharks (and if you know me well, you know how terrified I am of them).
My fear of vulnerability and rejection has stopped me from making changes in my life so I could feel like I belonged. I’ve made different personas for different social groups so I could feel acceptance, love, and belonging. I have moulded myself into so many different groups JUST so I could avoid rejection and being vulnerable.
By trying to shape myself into different personalities at different times, I have lost my sense of autonomy. I forget who I am, what I like, what my values are, and what I will and will not put up with.
I have avoided rejection and vulnerability in order to bring me connection, love, and belonging BUT — what I have learned is, it does the opposite. The more I run away from these fears, the more I run towards loneliness, emptiness, and disconnection.
To be vulnerable, I have to be able to accept the fact that I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. I need to be open to mistakes and learning from them instead of beating myself up for being human.
When I choose to not allow my fears to take over (although I want to throw up at first), afterwards, I feel so at awe. I’m realizing now that the more I allow myself to be vulnerable, the less lonely, empty, isolated, and disconnected I feel. The more I open up to the people that deserve to hear my story brings me the connection and belongingness that I need.
I know that with more practice, patience, and self-love I will become an expert like Brené Brown on vulnerability. I will overcome my fear of not being my true self in front of everyone. I will overcome my fear of vulnerability.
I highly recommend watching this video! Brené Brown has opened my eyes so much on a lot of topics, especially vulnerability.
Vulnerability is scary, and it bring out a lot of emotions I am no where near comfortable with yet. But, the more I learn, and the more I teach about it, the better I get at it. The more I talk about how scared of vulnerability I am, the more vulnerable I become, and the less scared I become. The more I remind myself that with every rejection comes a lesson — the easier it gets when the rejection happens.
I am comfortable with being terrified of sharks for the rest of my life. What I am not okay with is allowing my fears of rejection and vulnerability to block connection, love, and belonging from my life.
The truth is I have no idea what to write about this week.
To be honest — I am wanting to hold back saying why I’m having a hard time focusing this week. I’m scared to admit why I am struggling this week because I’m worried about what people will think. I hate rejection so much that I shy away from admitting that I’m struggling. I’m scared others will think I just want attention or empathy. I hear this in my work, my social life, and in the community. People have told me so many times before that I crave attention and that’s why I am so easy to open up to others. The truth is, I want connection. I want to be real. I want to be me. I want to be able to admit I’m not okay and not get judged or have someone find the hidden meaning behind it.
While I am so busy worrying about what others think — I am also not letting my true self be seen. I get caught up making up scenarios in my head about how others want me to act that I forget who I am to begin with. I start pressuring myself to show courage, strength, resiliency, and vulnerability that I start shaming myself when I start to feel any other way.
I made this blog to be able to speak my truth regardless of what that truth may be. I created this website for me. I did this because I have such a strong passion to not only write, but to share my knowledge to others, too. I have this urgency right now to find my authentic self and make sure that she is shown more often and hidden less.
In order to be my authentic self — I need to accept that being strong, resilient, courageous, and vulnerable isn’t always easy. It comes with bumps in the road that sometimes seem like they will be impossible to get over. I need to be able to admit that right now I am not feeling any of those. The truth is — right now I’m feeling fear, worry, sadness, anxiety, shame, guilt, and other emotions that can uncomfortable to feel.
Just last week I told my partner I felt like I was going through a middle life crisis right now. My emotions have been so all over the place lately that I couldn’t even tell you how many times they change throughout the day.
I have been feeling a lot of shame when going to work lately. I feel as if I don’t put enough effort in because I find myself getting distracted all the time. I wasn’t able to perform tasks to the best of my abilities. I couldn’t organize anything. I was crying on my way home from work every single day. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open past 8:00pm because I was mentally, and emotionally drained by the end of the day.
I decided to ask my doctor to go on stress leave after consulting with HR and my supervisor. I decided for one — to put my needs first even though it was very uncomfortable. So now, I am on leave and trying to get out of this (what seems like) quarter life crisis.
I have always been pro mental health leave mainly because I am very pro mental health. But let me tell you… ever since I’ve been off I have been a big ball of anxiety. In the back of my mind I’m always asking: “what am I going to do when the two weeks are up? What if I’m not ready?.” I preach that people should listen to their mental health, but shame myself when I finally listen to mine.
I’m unsure of what the future looks like for me at this moment and that scares the shit out of me. I’m constantly anxious right now, and ruminating on everything that’s going wrong in my life. I can’t shake my negative thoughts right now.
I feel confused with what to do with the next chapter of my life. I feel hopeless because I find each day is getting harder to find joy in. I feel exhausted because my brain is constantly ruminating on everything and anything. I feel shame because I can’t do as many chores around the house right now and I’m lashing out at people I love. I feel fear that people won’t want to read my blog because I can’t organize my thoughts right.
I am really struggling in most areas in my life right now. I am, however, grateful that I have been on this personal growth journey and have picked up things along the way that have helped me. I’m going to list 5 little tips that are helping me get through this hard period of my life.
1. Accepting Emotions:
Trying to accept my emotions as they come has really helped me ground myself when intense emotions to arise. There have been a lot of really hard emotions coming up that seem like they’re too big for me to tackle. I find that the more I acknowledge my emotions the less power it gives the emotion over me.
2. Positive Affirmations:
Every morning after I make my smoothie bowl and coffee — I turn on a positive affirmation video. I put a huge comfy blanket over me and repeat the affirmations to myself silently. Doing positive affirmations every morning has really helped me have a better outlook on everything going on in my life even when it’s hard.
3. Gratitude:
I try to practice gratitude every single day. I try to list at least 3 things every night before I go to sleep. I try and challenge myself to name different things every night. There are nights that I have 10 items because I feel so grateful that day. Practicing gratitude has helped me remember all the wonderful things I have in life when all my brain wants to think about is everything that’s going wrong. The more I did this, the easier it became!
4. Maintaining an Exercise Routine
This is personally something that helps me stay focused, motivated, and centred. I also enjoy using exercise as a way to get out any irritation, anger, or frustration I may have. I love the adrenaline rush that I get when I start a new workout program. I love how proud I feel after accomplishing another program. I also just love how much it helps not only my physical health — but mental health too. This also includes walking!
5. Watching Childhood TV Shows
I don’t know folks but for me, watching an old favourite show from childhood makes me feel so free. It makes me feel young, silly, authentic, and happy. I love remembering how excited I would get when these shows would come on TV. Now, I get just as excited when I start to hear the theme songs. I feel as if I could take on the world because I don’t care about what others think of me — I just care about feeling like a kid again. Feeling nostalgia has been a saving grace for me on the hardest of days on this journey.
When I was younger the demands in my life weren’t as high. It was easier to fake finding daily tasks hard because there weren’t as many. I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities so I was able to hyper focus on the ones that I did have. I was able to focus on both trying extra hard to achieve things and hiding the personality traits I shamed myself for.
I didn’t really mind hiding who I truly was because I was ashamed of her. I was ashamed of needing more help than others did. I was ashamed that I interrupted people when they were talking and that I talked more than most people I knew. I was ashamed with how much of a burden I felt like I was. I was ashamed that things didn’t come easy to me and I had to put in 200% effort into every day tasks. I was ashamed that I misplaced my keys and phone at least a few times a day. I was ashamed that I always had a messy room with clothes everywhere. I was ashamed that more often than not I wanted to scream at someone for hurting me because I don’t know how to regulate my emotions.
The thing is… as I got older, as I fell in love, as I grew as a person, and as I took on more responsibility at work — the demands became too much. The demands that I had when I was younger were so easy to push through because there were so little. I quickly have become overwhelmed with the amount of things I “need” to do.
I started not being able to focus at work. I have a hard time following through with the dozens of ideas I want to execute at work. Once I tried to take on more responsibility, I wasn’t able to try to hide the fact that I was struggling. I’m not able to hide the fact that I am so burnt out at the end of every single day because I have to put 200% effort into everything that I do.
As I grow as a person the demands became really high too. I have been focusing on parts of me that I have been ashamed of for years, and looking into the reason behind these feelings. There have been so many dark emotions that have come up, which puts a lot of demand on my well being. I get so excited to learn new ways to grow that I forget to use the techniques I am researching about. I get hyper focused on the end goal of my personal growth that I forget to congratulate myself for how far I have come.
Another huge part of my self growth is trying to be able to regulate my emotions better. Not being able to regulate my emotions well is a trait that often times make me feel a huge abundance of shame and sadness. The demand I put on myself to not react the way I have to triggers for the majority of my life has become too much.
Being so hyper focused on personal growth has put so much demand not just on me, but my relationship too.
The love I have for my partner is the purest love I have ever had. The ability we both have to come together to talk about what we need to work on has been the most beautiful, inspiring, and grounding experience. Not only is he my partner — he’s my best friend too.
That being said, the demands on a healthy relationship can be really straining when you are also trying to work on yourself. I once again forget to appreciate the process of growth in a relationship that I get upset when we aren’t growing fast enough.
The demands of trying to balance becoming a healthier person physically, emotionally, and mentally along with trying to be a better partner and worker has become too much.
Having ADHD is exhausting. I’m exhausted, burnt out, and overwhelmed.
The truth is — I feel very lost and don’t know what to do most of the time. I feel like the demands in my life are too much. The demands seem to be adding on and on and I feel as if I could break. At times, I still find it hard to accept certain parts of my ADHD. Not just because demands seem to be overtaking most of my life — but because of not being able to regulate my emotions.
BUT! Do you want to know the toughest part about having ADHD? How misunderstood I am by others.
When I tell someone that I am struggling to follow through with a task because of my ADHD — I get looks. The looks scream “she’s just trying to use her ADHD as an excuse,” and “she’s over exaggerating — the task that she’s trying to do is so easy. She’s just being lazy.”
The thing is I’m actually sometimes embarrassed about having ADHD. The main reason is because when I disclaim that I have it and explain that it impacts my executive functioning — I feel hopeless, dependent, and reliable. I feel like a little kid going to my parents for help to reach something in the fridge because I’m too short. People look at me like if you just try a little harder you will be able to do this task.
I don’t think people understand just how hard I am trying every single day. Mainly to do every day tasks. Trying to put effort into a chore or project I have zero interest in can be nearly impossible somedays. I can stare at a sink full of dishes for 20 minutes trying to get my brain to stop focusing on the million other things running through my mind so I can focus on this one little task that will relieve a lot of stress. Although I’m telling myself that I will feel better once I’m done washing them, there are times I still can’t get the motivation to do it.
For a lot of folks it’s easy to see the sink full of dishes and go do them. Sure, a lot of people will dread doing them and may even get annoyed doing it — but it doesn’t drain them the way it drains someone with ADHD. My brain is constantly having thoughts overload, which makes it REALLY difficult to focus on one thing — especially when it’s something I have no interest in. Trying to shut down every single other thought in my mind so I can wash the dishes in the sink can actually be the hardest part of my day sometimes.
I hope that someday ADHD gets more awareness.
I know I am going to use my blog platform to raise more awareness. ADHD may not be all of me — but it is part of me. It’s a part of me that went unrecognized for 27 years, and I am most definitely not the only person out there that went / is going undiagnosed. Having answers to so many questions I’ve had for so many years has truly set me free. I hope the more I bring awareness to ADHD, the more people become familiar with it and can find compassion to those who have it.
After I recently discovered that October was ADHD awareness month, I decided I wanted most of my blog posts this month to be about my experience with ADHD. Last week I really wanted to write about the wedding I attended because it was a very special day to me. And because I didn’t write about ADHD last week — I promised myself I would write about it the following week. The thing is, it’s Thanksgiving weekend where I’m from. I’m feeling very pulled towards writing about things that I’m grateful for because expressing gratitude has had a huge impact on my life.
Then I thought “wait, maybe I can write about why I’m grateful I have ADHD!” It seemed like a perfect topic because it covered both topics I’m feeling pulled to write about. The thing is I’ve struggled a lot with my diagnosis and I think it’s important not to give a false perception on my diagnosis journey. I don’t want to give people the perception that this diagnosis only brought happiness into my life because the truth is it brought a lot of deep intense emotions that I haven’t felt in a really long time, too.
This kind of made me torn for what to write about this week, but I finally came to the conclusion!
This week I am going to tell you about some realizations I had when getting diagnosed with ADHD. I think it’s important people know that there are more signs to ADHD than just not being able to sit still or stop talking. I’m also not a professional in anyway, I’ve just researched a lot about my recent diagnosis and these are conclusions I have come to because of it. This is just my experience with the diagnosis and the things I’ve struggled with while researching. I think it’s really important to see someone that’s a professional like I did if you are questioning whether or not you may have ADHD. Like I said, I am not a professional. I’m just someone that has a very curious mind so once getting diagnosed with ADHD I had to read, listen to, and learn everything I could about it. Part of my ADHD makes me hyper focus on topics I find super interesting and I’ve always been interested in Psychology, the brain, the way the mind works, and anything that really explains why we are the way that we are as individuals.
With every realization I talk about, I’m also going to put a positive twist on it and see something I’m grateful for in it. I’ve realized lately how important it is to see the brightness in every dark experience I have. So now this brings me into a little bit more about my ADHD journey.
People Thought I Was Lazy Instead of Struggling
I was labelling myself lazy for 27 years because that’s the label I received at a young age. When I would not be able to find the motivation to clean my room I would be told to stop being lazy and do it. Or when I would have homework for school that I couldn’t focus on longer than five minutes because I was daydreaming during the whole lesson. When this would happen I would be labelled as lazy and stupid for not getting my work done and for not understanding something I was just taught. It’s hard for people without ADHD to understand when the task for them is so easy to do.
There are times I have called Spence when he is at work crying to him because I can’t get motivated to do anything around the house. I see the kitchen is a mess. It’s the first room you see when you enter the house we like to try and keep it tidy. My anxiety will be through the roof because the dishes are piled, the kitchen island is like a coat hanger with all of the clothes I have piled on top of it when I forget to bring them to the closet, and I can feel so many little rocks under my feet from the dirt Nala brought in earlier. I see all of these things but can’t find any motivation to clean it.
This is why the negative self talk kicked in as an adult. When I see the pile of laundry sitting beside me that needed to be folded a few days ago I start cursing at myself for not doing it right away and tell myself I won’t be so stupid and lazy next time. I constantly criticize myself when I start letting chores pile up. I tell myself I need to stop being lazy and get my act together. Then I try to do the task and find myself crying on the floor because I just focus long enough to do it. I’m crying because I find myself pathetic for not being able to do something that’s so easy for others to do. I never understood why I couldn’t do simple tasks like other people in my life could. I didn’t understand it until this diagnosis.
The thing I’ve learned about this diagnosis is that it’s really hard for people with ADHD to focus on things that don’t interest them. It’s nearly impossible. Whenever I am doing a task that doesn’t interest me I end up daydreaming, which makes the task take at least double the amount of time it should take me to do it. This ends up making me resent certain chores and makes it really hard to find that motivation to want to do it. And I’m sorry but cleaning doesn’t entertain me in the slightest — especially when I was a kid and wanted to be outside running my energy off.
The positive side to this is now that I know tasks can be harder for me — I can try to find ways to make them less hard. I don’t love doing chores and find most of them really hard to complete. I am however a very competitive person and a person that loves to learn. This has helped me find ways to get things done in a not so boring want to pull your hair out manner. Whenever I have to do a task I don’t love — I’ll either listen to a new podcast that I’ve been wanting to listen to OR I will put a timer on and challenge myself to clean so much before the timer goes off. It might seem ridiculous but I heard both of these ideas in podcasts I’ve listened to about ADHD. These hacks really helped have a more positive outlook on chores. Don’t get me wrong I still dread doing them — but I am able to get through them easier and don’t overly hate doing them once I get started anymore.
People with ADHD can have a hard time regulating their emotions.
From as early as I can remember I have had a hard time regulating my emotions. When I feel anger I never know what to do. I don’t notice my temperature rise or that my heart is beating fast. I just blow. I start yelling or I start getting really irritated and push myself away from everyone. I completely isolate myself. Whenever I start feeling anxious I find it really hard to find ways to help calm me down. I always miss the warning signs that I am going to have an anxiety attack and then it’s too late for my deep breathing techniques.
There are times that I feel like I have emotion overload because I am feeling happy, anxious, sad, angry, and frustrated all at the same time. And then there are times I start hyper focusing on how sad I have been lately, which ends up creating more sadness.
I have a hard time not focusing in on the sadness, loneliness, anger, or fear. These emotions can take over my mind sometimes. This can make it really hard to find the good somedays. Every word I speak in my head is negative. Everything I end up saying ends up having a negative tone to it. Struggling to regulate my emotions has definitely made it hard to see the positives in things at times. It also has caused me to say hurtful things to people I really care about. When my emotions become too overwhelming I start saying things to cause hurt so I don’t have to hurt anymore.
I am not proud of the way I react to certain situations that arise. I get embarrassed. I feel small and unworthy of love. I start to feel guilty and shameful. I ask myself why I am choosing to react in such a hurtful way especially towards the ones I love? It isn’t the way I want to be reacting so why do I do it?
I am, however, grateful for realizing that this is a part of ADHD.
I could never understand why I reacted the way I did to certain situations that would leave either me or someone else hurt. Realizing that a lot of people with ADHD struggle to regulate their emotions has helped me feel less alone. It has helped me want to take a look at the way I react to certain situations and find a healthier alternative. I used to look at my emotional dysregulation as something I should be ashamed about. This diagnosis has helped me accept who I am while also working towards becoming the healthiest version of myself. I choose to not judge myself for my poor reactions anymore. Instead, I take a step back and ask myself how can I make sure I react to this situation in a more positive way next time? I choose to be kind to myself. I remind myself that my ADHD may make it harder for me to regulate my emotions — but it doesn’t make it impossible.
My forgetfulness / my ability to lose things easily has nothing to do with me being stupid
I forget EVERYTHING. I also lose EVERYTHING. I’ll have to get my partner help me find my cellphone a few times a day sometimes. I also need to write things down because if not chances are I won’t remember. Although I haven’t looked too much into why people with ADHD forget / lose everything — I have read it on multiple websites and listened about it on multiple podcasts.
I really love helping others. I love to say yes to help others when asked. The only problem with that is I forget to write it down, which means I don’t end up doing it. There have been many times that someone at work will ask me to do something for them and I forget to do whatever I agreed to. There are also times that people have told me I don’t care because I don’t pay attention, which results in me forgetting. The thing is I try to pay attention… but I find it hard to be fully present in the conversation. I get distracted by different sounds, movements, thoughts about dinner, and more. I don’t do it on purpose either — it just happens. I then get embarrassed that I don’t remember what the person asked me a favour for or I forget to write it down because I get distracted by something else.
It has been something I’ve been ashamed of for years. I get really embarrassed when I can’t find my keys before I’m about to leave the house. I also get so mad at myself when I forget to take my medication in the morning and don’t realize until I’m already on my way to work. I get so ashamed that I’m not able to remember small little things like a lot of people in my life can.
I am truly grateful for finding out that this was a sign of ADHD though. I have been able to read about hacks as to how I can remember things more often. I set alarms for things I don’t think I’ll remember, I have a desk calendar for work so I don’t forget what I need to get done, and I have a huge calendar in my living room to remind me of birthdays, events, and appointments.
I also have been trying to put things in the same spot every single time so I don’t lose them. I still struggle a lot with this one but the thing that keeps me going is having a more positive outlook than negative on it. When I lose my AirPods in the house for the third time that week I try not to call myself stupid. And if I do, I then take a step back and remind myself that it’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay that I struggle at this right now because I do work on it every day. I remind myself that if there are a lot of things going on during a week then I may be a bit more disorganized because so much is on my brain. Once realizing that common signs of ADHD are forgetfulness and losing things — I was able to forgive myself for the years of self shame.
I truly am grateful for getting diagnosed with ADHD. Although it has been a process with so many different feelings, overall, it has changed my life in the most positive way. I am able to understand who I am, why I am the way that I am, and while growing, I’m able to be kind to myself along the way. I have a lot more compassion towards myself ever since this diagnosis. I give myself a break when I get emotionally overwhelmed instead of beating myself up for it. Having these answers has been such a blessing, and it is one thing I am really grateful for this thanksgiving.
I do a lot of research for self-help. I mean like a lot of research. I bolded and italicized that to really kick in the emphasis of how much freaking research I do. So much so, that at times I forget things I’ve learned about. I’m always bringing in so much new information to my brain that I think it probably gets a little overwhelmed and wants me to do some meditation for a day instead.
Don’t get me wrong I LOVE learning new things. It’s one of my passions and I find that life is super exciting because of it. But because of HOW excited I get about new topics I start jumping from one thing to another. I get so far into this that I forget to reflect on what I’ve learned and apply those new skills.
I noticed last week that I find myself still reacting to things in ways that aren’t healthy EVEN THOUGH I’ve spent weeks learning how to cope with hard emotions. Whenever I find myself reacting in an unhealthy way I find that my mind completely draws a blank on anything I’ve ever learned.
I’m realizing now it’s because I don’t take time to sit down and apply the skills I’ve learned. It’s also because I have ADHD jumping from one topic, to another topic, if very common.
The thing is… I don’t want to be constantly looking up new ways to be my most authentic self if I am not getting what I want to get out of it.
I started this blog because I wanted to share everything I’ve learned in hopes to help one person…
I’m deciding today, that I am going to be the person I help.
Me.
I took today to write a list of things that help me be my true self.
I am going to keep on me at all times, as a reminder of things I’ve learned through this journey that will continue to help me grow and find my true self.
If this post ends up helping someone else that’s a bonus — I’m just so proud of myself for choosing me.
1.Pick empathy over judgment
There will be times today that your initial reaction is going to be judgment. Someone may cut you off in traffic and you start calling them names and judging their character. Acknowledge that judgment is going to come into your day. The thing is to recognize it and turn it into empathy.
When you catch yourself judging someone — take a step back. Ask yourself why you’re judging something or someone? What emotion is it bringing out?
Then ask yourself if the rage you are feeling while judging someone cutting you off in traffic is how you want to feel right now? Sometimes you may need that one minute to feel anger or rage, but remember that your judgment is creating the rage — the situation is not.
Challenge yourself to an empathetic approach once you have recognized and accepted that you are feeling an emotion that is causing you pain.
Maybe the person just got their license, or maybe it’s that persons first time driving after a horrific accident they had 5 years ago. Find empathy, because empathy will lead you to joy, happiness, and peace. Judgment will lead you to rage, sadness, and apathy.
2.Find opportunity to grow in every situation
You need to remember that no matter how much you try to avoid tough situations — they are going to happen. Life isn’t always going to be easy, but remember there can be beauty in that.
Instead of running away from things that challenge you or scare you — look for the opportunity to learn something new or grow.
If you teach a topic at work and you notice that the participants aren’t understanding — don’t run. Don’t shame yourself for not being perfect the very first time you try something new. Failure leads to new ways to grow. Find this opportunity to use your skills that you are educated on and find a different approach to teaching that topic.
Remember that every challenge that comes your way is helping you become more resilient. Becoming more resilient helps you find the opportunity to grow in any situation.
3.Learn something new
Have you learned anything new today? If you haven’t yet then go Google something random or something you’ve always wanted to know. Learning is so fascinating. It helps you become a more understanding and caring person.
Learning something new has also helped you find out your passions and hobbies. You never knew you were into podcasts until you gave one a try, and maybe you’ll never know you’re supposed to play guitar because you never tried to learn.
Learn something new today and tell a friend. Maybe it’ll inspire them to learn too!
4.Express gratitude
Remind your loved ones that you are grateful for them. Remind your significant other that you are so thankful that he has taught you to become more independent because it has helped your find your voice that was hidden for so long.
Remind your best friend that you would be lost without their unconditional love. Remind her that going through hard times would be so much harder if you didn’t have her support no matter what.
Remind a co-worker for how grateful you are that they have taught you so much about your job. That you’re thankful for working with people that want to help individuals have a voice when they haven’t for so long.
Remind yourself for how grateful you are for all of the beautiful things this world has to bring to you. Remind yourself for how thankful you are given today as another opportunity to be amazing and your true self. Remind yourself for how grateful you are for being on this journey and how far you’ve come.
Express gratitude in as many ways as you can think. Whether it’s by text, phone call, random acts of kindness, or positive affirmations — express it. Not only does it bring you joy, it also brings others joy too.
5.Be open to different perspectives
Remember the story: The Blind Men and the Elephant.
If you need to re-read the story to remind you about perspective, then do so.
Be kind to yourself. Instead of saying you can’t do something, tell yourself you can’t do it yet.
Change your negative self-talk to talk of self love and compassion. When you catch yourself judging someone — recognize it but be kind to yourself when you do. You have lived your life this way for 28 years and changing that narrative can be hard. Be kind.
When you look into the mirror, count all the things you love about yourself instead of naming everything you hate that you see. When you make a mistake, recognize mistakes happen every single day and that you’re not stupid or dumb for making one.
When you forget something, like an appointment or to message a friend back — recognize it, but don’t tell yourself that you’ll never be able to remember anything. Remind yourself that organization and remembering things may not be a strength you have right now, but there is so much time to grow.
Make sure you give yourself the most amount of self-compassion.
7.Exercise at least one way: physically, mentally, or emotionally
Exercising is something that has always been there to help you when you’re down. No matter what type of exercise it is — you always get some sort of benefit from it.
Here are some ways that you can exercise some form of your body:
Mindfulness
Yoga
Going for a walk
Emotional regulation exercises
Listening to a podcast
Meditating
Deep breathing
Heavy lifting
HIIT workout
Dancing in the kitchen
Research a self help topic
Journaling
Do some of these during the day. Exercising brings you so much energy that will help you stay positive throughout the day.
8.Stay true to your values and beliefs
Although empathy, compassion, and being more understanding of others is SO important to you… don’t forget about yourself.
Make sure you know your values first. You cannot stay true to your values if you don’t know what they aren’t / can’t always remember them.
Some of your values to remember:
Compassion
Kindness
Connection
Love
Growth
Authenticity
Learning
Honesty
These values are things that you have took a good look at to know that in order to be your best self — you need these in your life.
9.Laugh more
A lot of this self-help work can be dark, which brings up a lot of darker emotions like: sadness, anger, grief, loneliness, and others.
This means it’s so important to not take everything in life seriously.
If you rip a hole in your favourite pair of pants — laugh it off after you curse. Find joy and happiness in more. Search for more things that make you smile and laugh so hard that your abs hurt.
Watch Impractical Jokers
Play the Switch with your partner
Watch videos of animals doing weird things on YouTube
Find things that make you laugh and write them down so when you need a little laugh, you’ll have a reference.
10.Believe in yourself
At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if your best friend, your partner, your parents, or anyone else you’re searching for approval from believes in you.
What matters is that you believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself you do amazing things.
You write from your heart. You are positive. You are optimistic. You look for the goodness in things.
Keep believing in yourself no matter what may stumble across your path. Always have faith that you can do whatever you set your mind to.
You are capable of incredible things. Remember that. Believe in it.
The Pink Rose Diary 