Blog

Finding Happiness

thepinkrosediary

The truth is, I have always struggled to like myself let alone love myself. For so many years I hid parts of me that were deemed as unloveable by someone in the past. I hid my loud voice and started only showing others exactly what kind of person I thought they wanted me to be. I never argued with peoples opinions even if it meant putting my values to the side.

I have craved emotional belonging my whole life. I have craved connection. I have craved acceptance. The only thing is, there were so many times I showed my true self and received the opposite of belonging, connection, and acceptance. 

I would get judged for being too loud, or interrupting people. I would get judged for going back with an ex because they already hurt me before. I would get left out of group hangouts. I would never receive any of the things I’ve craved my whole life. Because of this, I started to mould myself to fit others wants and needs just so I could try to feel those things.

I’ve been trying to rediscover who I am these past couple of years. Through different ways, I am starting to remember who I truly am.

The only thing that’s unfortunate about this progress is the guilt, shame, anger, and embarrassment that come along with it. Because I have kept my opinions and thoughts to myself for so long in order to fit in — it feels foreign and scary to speak up for myself now. There are times I go to say something that goes against what someone else said and the feeling of fear takes over. What if they judge me? What if they don’t want to interact with me anymore? What if they tell someone else I have this opinion and they don’t want to be around me anymore either?

I read those questions I used to ask myself now and tear up. I think back to when I was a child and I would get invited to sleepovers every single party even though my friends knew I wouldn’t end up spending the night (I used to get very homesick as a kid and didn’t sleepover at others houses hardly ever). I had nothing to worry about. My friends loved me the way I was. They never judged me for me waking them up in the middle of the night so they could ask their parents if I could call my dad to come get me. I just was accepted as who I was. 

Now, as I am reading back those questions in my head I am wondering what happened? When did I start caring what people thought of me, and better yet, why was I allowing people into my life that didn’t accept me for who I was?

The more I grow and learn — the easier it becomes. And the more I understand that if I don’t stand up for myself — who will?

I was taught that the most important thing is to be loved / liked — but what happened was while I tried to people please everyone I met — I stopped caring if I liked myself.

I began not recognizing who I was or the actions I was choosing to do / words I was choosing to say. I was agreeing with people without even processing the question that they asked me. I was doing this even when my stomach was so sore and sending my signals that what I was saying / doing didn’t agree with my values.

What I’ve realized lately is that true happiness doesn’t come from material things, a group of friends you’ve had for over half of your life, or the image of being in a relationship. Happiness, for me, has come from becoming self aware. It’s looking at my reactions to certain situations and asking myself if at the end of the day if I am happy with it. Am I happy with the way that I talk to myself? Am I happy with the way I react to stressful situations? Am I happy with the way my job is going? Am I happy with the way my relationship is going? Am I happy with me? Do I like me? Do I love me?

It’s looking at my biggest pet peeves in others and realizing it’s a reflection of a part of me that I haven’t fully accepted yet. It’s being kind to myself while making these realizations. It’s reminding myself that I am a freaking human. No human is perfect. I remind myself that realizing characteristics about myself that could be harmful to myself or others is a huge gift. Being able to see it as an opportunity to grow now instead of seeing myself as a terrible person has been leading to such a more beautiful life. 

Becoming happy is saying no to others if they are asking you to do something that you don’t agree with even if that means potentially hurting someones feelings. It’s becoming self aware that if I agree to this now — my mental health will suffer later from shaming myself and burnout. Becoming happy was realizing that people who truly love and care about me won’t judge me, and will stand by me through everything.

Happiness has not come from moulding myself into whatever persona I think is wanted by someone. Happiness has come to me by staying true to myself. 

That is what I wrote in my car the other day when I went to sit by the ocean to write. I have never been a huge fan of the ocean (mainly because sharks are my biggest fears), but the sound of the waves help me concentrate. They relax me and I feel so free.

I said in a previous post this month that October is ADHD awareness month. I decided not to even edit my post this week because I wanted to show how my brain can go back and forth from idea to idea sometimes. I usually have time to edit my posts more, but I am deciding to let this one be a unedited post so I can go enjoy the sunset with no disruptions.

Another thing that has brought me a lot of happiness is sunsets. I am excited to be able to experience this one soon.

ADHD and Adulting

thepinkrosediary

When I was younger the demands in my life weren’t as high. It was easier to fake finding daily tasks hard because there weren’t as many. I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities so I was able to hyper focus on the ones that I did have. I was able to focus on both trying extra hard to achieve things and hiding the personality traits I shamed myself for.

I didn’t really mind hiding who I truly was because I was ashamed of her. I was ashamed of needing more help than others did. I was ashamed that I interrupted people when they were talking and that I talked more than most people I knew. I was ashamed with how much of a burden I felt like I was. I was ashamed that things didn’t come easy to me and I had to put in 200% effort into every day tasks. I was ashamed that I misplaced my keys and phone at least a few times a day. I was ashamed that I always had a messy room with clothes everywhere. I was ashamed that more often than not I wanted to scream at someone for hurting me because I don’t know how to regulate my emotions. 

The thing is… as I got older, as I fell in love, as I grew as a person, and as I took on more responsibility at work — the demands became too much. The demands that I had when I was younger were so easy to push through because there were so little. I quickly have become overwhelmed with the amount of things I “need” to do. 

I started not being able to focus at work. I have a hard time following through with the dozens of ideas I want to execute at work. Once I tried to take on more responsibility, I wasn’t able to try to hide the fact that I was struggling. I’m not able to hide the fact that I am so burnt out at the end of every single day because I have to put 200% effort into everything that I do. 

As I grow as a person the demands became really high too. I have been focusing on parts of me that I have been ashamed of for years, and looking into the reason behind these feelings. There have been so many dark emotions that have come up, which puts a lot of demand on my well being. I get so excited to learn new ways to grow that I forget to use the techniques I am researching about. I get hyper focused on the end goal of my personal growth that I forget to congratulate myself for how far I have come. 

Another huge part of my self growth is trying to be able to regulate my emotions better. Not being able to regulate my emotions well is a trait that often times make me feel a huge abundance of shame and sadness. The demand I put on myself to not react the way I have to triggers for the majority of my life has become too much.

Being so hyper focused on personal growth has put so much demand not just on me, but my relationship too. 

The love I have for my partner is the purest love I have ever had. The ability we both have to come together to talk about what we need to work on has been the most beautiful, inspiring, and grounding experience. Not only is he my partner — he’s my best friend too. 

That being said, the demands on a healthy relationship can be really straining when you are also trying to work on yourself. I once again forget to appreciate the process of growth in a relationship that I get upset when we aren’t growing fast enough. 

The demands of trying to balance becoming a healthier person physically, emotionally, and mentally along with trying to be a better partner and worker has become too much.

Having ADHD is exhausting. I’m exhausted, burnt out, and overwhelmed.

The truth is — I feel very lost and don’t know what to do most of the time. I feel like the demands in my life are too much. The demands seem to be adding on and on and I feel as if I could break. At times, I still find it hard to accept certain parts of my ADHD. Not just because demands seem to be overtaking most of my life — but because of not being able to regulate my emotions. 

BUT! Do you want to know the toughest part about having ADHD? How misunderstood I am by others. 

When I tell someone that I am struggling to follow through with a task because of my ADHD — I get looks. The looks scream “she’s just trying to use her ADHD as an excuse,” and “she’s over exaggerating — the task that she’s trying to do is so easy. She’s just being lazy.” 

The thing is I’m actually sometimes embarrassed about having ADHD. The main reason is because when I disclaim that I have it and explain that it impacts my executive functioning — I feel hopeless, dependent, and reliable. I feel like a little kid going to my parents for help to reach something in the fridge because I’m too short. People look at me like if you just try a little harder you will be able to do this task.

I don’t think people understand just how hard I am trying every single day. Mainly to do every day tasks. Trying to put effort into a chore or project I have zero interest in can be nearly impossible somedays. I can stare at a sink full of dishes for 20 minutes trying to get my brain to stop focusing on the million other things running through my mind so I can focus on this one little task that will relieve a lot of stress. Although I’m telling myself that I will feel better once I’m done washing them, there are times I still can’t get the motivation to do it.

For a lot of folks it’s easy to see the sink full of dishes and go do them. Sure, a lot of people will dread doing them and may even get annoyed doing it — but it doesn’t drain them the way it drains someone with ADHD. My brain is constantly having thoughts overload, which makes it REALLY difficult to focus on one thing — especially when it’s something I have no interest in. Trying to shut down every single other thought in my mind so I can wash the dishes in the sink can actually be the hardest part of my day sometimes. 

I hope that someday ADHD gets more awareness. 

I know I am going to use my blog platform to raise more awareness. ADHD may not be all of me — but it is part of me. It’s a part of me that went unrecognized for 27 years, and I am most definitely not the only person out there that went / is going undiagnosed. Having answers to so many questions I’ve had for so many years has truly set me free. I hope the more I bring awareness to ADHD, the more people become familiar with it and can find compassion to those who have it. 

Finding Gratitude in My ADHD Diagnosis

thepinkrosediary

After I recently discovered that October was ADHD awareness month, I decided I wanted most of my blog posts this month to be about my experience with ADHD. Last week I really wanted to write about the wedding I attended because it was a very special day to me. And because I didn’t write about ADHD last week — I promised myself I would write about it the following week. The thing is, it’s Thanksgiving weekend where I’m from. I’m feeling very pulled towards writing about things that I’m grateful for because expressing gratitude has had a huge impact on my life. 

Then I thought “wait, maybe I can write about why I’m grateful I have ADHD!” It seemed like a perfect topic because it covered both topics I’m feeling pulled to write about. The thing is I’ve struggled a lot with my diagnosis and I think it’s important not to give a false perception on my diagnosis journey. I don’t want to give people the perception that this diagnosis only brought happiness into my life because the truth is it brought a lot of deep intense emotions that I haven’t felt in a really long time, too.

This kind of made me torn for what to write about this week, but I finally came to the conclusion!

This week I am going to tell you about some realizations I had when getting diagnosed with ADHD. I think it’s important people know that there are more signs to ADHD than just not being able to sit still or stop talking. I’m also not a professional in anyway, I’ve just researched a lot about my recent diagnosis and these are conclusions I have come to because of it. This is just my experience with the diagnosis and the things I’ve struggled with while researching. I think it’s really important to see someone that’s a professional like I did if you are questioning whether or not you may have ADHD. Like I said, I am not a professional. I’m just someone that has a very curious mind so once getting diagnosed with ADHD I had to read, listen to, and learn everything I could about it. Part of my ADHD makes me hyper focus on topics I find super interesting and I’ve always been interested in Psychology, the brain, the way the mind works, and anything that really explains why we are the way that we are as individuals. 

With every realization I talk about, I’m also going to put a positive twist on it and see something I’m grateful for in it. I’ve realized lately how important it is to see the brightness in every dark experience I have. So now this brings me into a little bit more about my ADHD journey.

People Thought I Was Lazy Instead of Struggling

I was labelling myself lazy for 27 years because that’s the label I received at a young age. When I would not be able to find the motivation to clean my room I would be told to stop being lazy and do it. Or when I would have homework for school that I couldn’t focus on longer than five minutes because I was daydreaming during the whole lesson. When this would happen I would be labelled as lazy and stupid for not getting my work done and for not understanding something I was just taught. It’s hard for people without ADHD to understand when the task for them is so easy to do.

There are times I have called Spence when he is at work crying to him because I can’t get motivated to do anything around the house. I see the kitchen is a mess. It’s the first room you see when you enter the house we like to try and keep it tidy. My anxiety will be through the roof because the dishes are piled, the kitchen island is like a coat hanger with all of the clothes I have piled on top of it when I forget to bring them to the closet, and I can feel so many little rocks under my feet from the dirt Nala brought in earlier. I see all of these things but can’t find any motivation to clean it.

This is why the negative self talk kicked in as an adult. When I see the pile of laundry sitting beside me that needed to be folded a few days ago I start cursing at myself for not doing it right away and tell myself I won’t be so stupid and lazy next time. I constantly criticize myself when I start letting chores pile up. I tell myself I need to stop being lazy and get my act together. Then I try to do the task and find myself crying on the floor because I just focus long enough to do it. I’m crying because I find myself pathetic for not being able to do something that’s so easy for others to do. I never understood why I couldn’t do simple tasks like other people in my life could. I didn’t understand it until this diagnosis. 

The thing I’ve learned about this diagnosis is that it’s really hard for people with ADHD to focus on things that don’t interest them. It’s nearly impossible. Whenever I am doing a task that doesn’t interest me I end up daydreaming, which makes the task take at least double the amount of time it should take me to do it. This ends up making me resent certain chores and makes it really hard to find that motivation to want to do it. And I’m sorry but cleaning doesn’t entertain me in the slightest — especially when I was a kid and wanted to be outside running my energy off.

The positive side to this is now that I know tasks can be harder for me — I can try to find ways to make them less hard. I don’t love doing chores and find most of them really hard to complete. I am however a very competitive person and a person that loves to learn. This has helped me find ways to get things done in a not so boring want to pull your hair out manner. Whenever I have to do a task I don’t love — I’ll either listen to a new podcast that I’ve been wanting to listen to OR I will put a timer on and challenge myself to clean so much before the timer goes off. It might seem ridiculous but I heard both of these ideas in podcasts I’ve listened to about ADHD. These hacks really helped have a more positive outlook on chores. Don’t get me wrong I still dread doing them — but I am able to get through them easier and don’t overly hate doing them once I get started anymore.

People with ADHD can have a hard time regulating their emotions. 

From as early as I can remember I have had a hard time regulating my emotions. When I feel anger I never know what to do. I don’t notice my temperature rise or that my heart is beating fast. I just blow. I start yelling or I start getting really irritated and push myself away from everyone. I completely isolate myself. Whenever I start feeling anxious I find it really hard to find ways to help calm me down. I always miss the warning signs that I am going to have an anxiety attack and then it’s too late for my deep breathing techniques.

There are times that I feel like I have emotion overload because I am feeling happy, anxious, sad, angry, and frustrated all at the same time. And then there are times I start hyper focusing on how sad I have been lately, which ends up creating more sadness. 

I have a hard time not focusing in on the sadness, loneliness, anger, or fear. These emotions can take over my mind sometimes. This can make it really hard to find the good somedays. Every word I speak in my head is negative. Everything I end up saying ends up having a negative tone to it. Struggling to regulate my emotions has definitely made it hard to see the positives in things at times. It also has caused me to say hurtful things to people I really care about. When my emotions become too overwhelming I start saying things to cause hurt so I don’t have to hurt anymore. 

I am not proud of the way I react to certain situations that arise. I get embarrassed. I feel small and unworthy of love. I start to feel guilty and shameful. I ask myself why I am choosing to react in such a hurtful way especially towards the ones I love? It isn’t the way I want to be reacting so why do I do it? 

I am, however, grateful for realizing that this is a part of ADHD. 

I could never understand why I reacted the way I did to certain situations that would leave either me or someone else hurt. Realizing that a lot of people with ADHD struggle to regulate their emotions has helped me feel less alone. It has helped me want to take a look at the way I react to certain situations and find a healthier alternative. I used to look at my emotional dysregulation as something I should be ashamed about. This diagnosis has helped me accept who I am while also working towards becoming the healthiest version of myself. I choose to not judge myself for my poor reactions anymore. Instead, I take a step back and ask myself how can I make sure I react to this situation in a more positive way next time? I choose to be kind to myself. I remind myself that my ADHD may make it harder for me to regulate my emotions — but it doesn’t make it impossible. 

My forgetfulness / my ability to lose things easily has nothing to do with me being stupid

I forget EVERYTHING. I also lose EVERYTHING. I’ll have to get my partner help me find my cellphone a few times a day sometimes. I also need to write things down because if not chances are I won’t remember. Although I haven’t looked too much into why people with ADHD forget / lose everything — I have read it on multiple websites and listened about it on multiple podcasts.

I really love helping others. I love to say yes to help others when asked. The only problem with that is I forget to write it down, which means I don’t end up doing it. There have been many times that someone at work will ask me to do something for them and I forget to do whatever I agreed to. There are also times that people have told me I don’t care because I don’t pay attention, which results in me forgetting. The thing is I try to pay attention… but I find it hard to be fully present in the conversation. I get distracted by different sounds, movements, thoughts about dinner, and more. I don’t do it on purpose either — it just happens. I then get embarrassed that I don’t remember what the person asked me a favour for or I forget to write it down because I get distracted by something else. 

It has been something I’ve been ashamed of for years. I get really embarrassed when I can’t find my keys before I’m about to leave the house. I also get so mad at myself when I forget to take my medication in the morning and don’t realize until I’m already on my way to work. I get so ashamed that I’m not able to remember small little things like a lot of people in my life can. 

I am truly grateful for finding out that this was a sign of ADHD though. I have been able to read about hacks as to how I can remember things more often. I set alarms for things I don’t think I’ll remember, I have a desk calendar for work so I don’t forget what I need to get done, and I have a huge calendar in my living room to remind me of birthdays, events, and appointments. 

I also have been trying to put things in the same spot every single time so I don’t lose them. I still struggle a lot with this one but the thing that keeps me going is having a more positive outlook than negative on it. When I lose my AirPods in the house for the third time that week I try not to call myself stupid. And if I do, I then take a step back and remind myself that it’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay that I struggle at this right now because I do work on it every day. I remind myself that if there are a lot of things going on during a week then I may be a bit more disorganized because so much is on my brain. Once realizing that common signs of ADHD are forgetfulness and losing things — I was able to forgive myself for the years of self shame. 

I truly am grateful for getting diagnosed with ADHD. Although it has been a process with so many different feelings, overall, it has changed my life in the most positive way. I am able to understand who I am, why I am the way that I am, and while growing, I’m able to be kind to myself along the way. I have a lot more compassion towards myself ever since this diagnosis. I give myself a break when I get emotionally overwhelmed instead of beating myself up for it. Having these answers has been such a blessing, and it is one thing I am really grateful for this thanksgiving.

What I Love Most About Weddings

thepinkrosediary

I have ALWAYS loved weddings.

When I look back at the weddings I have been in or went to — all I can think of is how beautiful it was that all these people came together to celebrate two people vowing their love to each other forever. It might sound a bit weird that the weddings I have been to are some of the happiest moments in my life, but I am going to try and explain to you why.

At every single wedding I have attended, they have been undoubtedly the most positive, energizing, and fun atmospheres I have ever been in. The laughter, the crying, the smiling, and the love that fills the air at weddings makes me feel so whole, belonged, and grateful. When I see the couple lock eyes with each other the first time that day… I get shivers. Knowing that everyone at the wedding is there for the same reason — to watch someone they love get married — gives me a feeling of awe.

The atmosphere is why I love weddings. 

I was so honoured to be able to stand by one of my best friends weddings this weekend.

I’ve known Carley for about 27 years. She is my very first best friend. She isn’t just my first best friend — she was also the first friend that I would call to go a family gathering with me because I didn’t have siblings and she was like a sister to me. She is the first friend that went with me to get my first tattoo. She’s the first friend I would call to watch go see a scary movie with me. She is the first friend I talked about dream weddings with when we were teenagers. She is the first friend I’ve been a bridesmaid for, and now, the first friend that I’ve been able to witness marry their best friend, too.

Everything about this day was beautiful. I have been looking at pictures at random times during the day and smiling. The wedding is the only thing filling my mind right now so that’s why I am going to write some thoughts I’ve had while going through the pictures.

First: your tribe is your everything

The energy Carley’s wedding party had was like goosebump and hair standing up on your arms kind of energy. The positivity that these girls had all day to make sure Carley had a smile on her face (even behind the happy tears) was the most beautiful and selfless thing I’ve ever experienced. I think back to every single one of the ladies that not only helped make Carley’s wedding day so special — but also are the most amazing influences someone could have in their lives. There wasn’t one time I didn’t feel accepted for who I truly was around this group of people. Carley’s tribe (her husband, her friends, her family) reflects the happiness behind Carley’s eyes that I haven’t seen in the 26/27 years I have known her. By surrounding herself by such beautiful humans I have seen so much growth that inspires me to surround myself, too, with people that make me feel good. I believe that your tribe is your everything, so why not make it people that make me want to be a better human?

Second:I am so grateful

Being able to see my first best friend get married seems so surreal to me still (I can’t imagine how she is feeling). I think about how beyond grateful I am to have a friendship like mine and Carley’s. The thing I really appreciate about our friendship is that we can talk once every couple of months and still feel like we talk every day when we meet up again. We both accept each others love for wanting to be home with our loved ones more often than not. We know that the time in between us talking doesn’t make our friendship not real. What makes our friendship so real, and special to me is because we both accept each other as we both continue on our personal growth journeys. No matter what happens in either of our lives we know that we are both there for each other without judgement. We both support the roads we decide to go down and are there for each other if the road gets bumpy or if we make a wrong turn. I am so fortunate to have a friend like Carley. I am grateful that she asked me to stand beside her to support her marrying her best friend. These past couple days after the wedding have made me really realize how grateful I am for this experience, this friendship, and this lady.

Third: I am growing

With being surrounded by such positive folks all day, I was able to really be true to myself. I can remember the last 4 weddings I went to. I didn’t get off the dance floor all night long this past weekend. The other weddings I have gone to I would dance for a couple songs and then sit down because I felt embarrassed. I was worried people were going to judge me. At Carley’s wedding I didn’t care if I got judged. I was so in the moment with the wedding party. I was so in tuned with the positive energy that was filling the room. I was way too busy soaking up this special day that I didn’t care if I did get judged. It didn’t even cross my mind. I didn’t talk negative to myself at all about my made up dance moves and screaming the wrong lyrics. I just enjoyed myself and took in every single minute that I could on this beautiful day. It is so cool to see my growth showing in different parts of my life. I’m really proud of myself. 

Overall, these past few days have taught me so much. I’ve learned that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am. I’ve also learned that if I choose to surround myself with people that do accept me, I get to show my authentic self and accept their authenticity back. I’ve learned that showing a little bit of empathy and being selfless brings me the most amount of joy in my day. I’ve learned that I really enjoy feeling comfortable in my skin and not being scared to be my true self. 

I am so thankful for my first best friend, and her now husband. I’m grateful that I have their resiliency and authentic love for each other to look up to. I can’t wait to watch my best friend grow for another 27 years, only this time with her husband by her side. 

Cheers,

K

Also attaching some pictures me and the girls took during the day that I can’t stop looking at!

Becoming Emotionally Numb

thepinkrosediary

So many emotions were shut down completely when I would express them in front of anyone when I was younger.

If I was angry, jealous, scared, worried, anxious, or any other emotion other than happiness and sometimes sadness — they were not talked about. I would be told to stop showing that emotion and be grateful for everything I had.

The thing is, I was grateful. I was just experiencing emotions that are shamed upon in some generations. I felt very out of place for experiencing these emotions that I was told I shouldn’t be feeling.

I became emotionally numb. I told myself that showing those emotions didn’t get me what I wanted when I was younger, which was to feel connection. I quickly learned that if I wanted anything — I had to be happy. If I wanted to feel heard, supported, and loved I just had to put a smile on my face to get it. This sadly carried out into my adulthood, which caused a lot of people pleasing tendencies (another blog for another day).

My mantra slowly became: happiness is key and all other emotions are considered unpleasant, undesirable, and wrong. 

This was my logic for so long. I thought that I was saving myself by not allowing myself to feel any emotion other than happiness and sadness sometime, just like I was taught.

It did everything BUT save me. This ended with me not being able to feel happiness, either. I wasn’t just emotionally numb from emotions that were hard to feel — I was numb from the only emotion I trained myself to feel my whole life. 

I got diagnosed with depression. 

It didn’t happen as fast as I just typed that though.

In 2013 I tried to take my own life at my residence at university.

I remember the ambulances lights lighting up the building because it was nighttime. I could see people looking out bedroom windows watching me walk onto the ambulance because I just tried to not be alive anymore.

I didn’t get diagnosed until two years after this incident. 

Between those two years I sunk into an even deeper depression. I harmed myself, I thought of ending my life at times, and I was acting out of character.

Like I said — I got diagnosed two years later. When I finally did I thought that everything would be way better. My medication was helping me, but it wasn’t enough. 

I was still emotionally numb. I was for so many years.

And, although I tried to push away hard emotions — they would still make an appearance in my life at times and I wouldn’t know how to handle them. I would react in toxic ways.

I didn’t start feeling my emotion until recently. 

It wasn’t until I started working as a life skills instructor at my work that I started to slowly become less numb. 

I really want to start teaching the participants at my work about emotional regulation. I’ve been reading up on it a lot trying to find different ways to teach about emotions at work.

I started reading about emotions a lot. One thing that was a common theme in a lot of articles was:

Everyone has emotions

Everyone has emotions. I read this everywhere.

All I could think about was my personal life at first.

If everyone feels emotions then why was I taught to not feel them? Why do I shame myself when I do feel an emotion other than happiness? Why do I call myself ridiculous when I am sad over someone crossing a boundary I put up?

Why am I categorizing myself as less than a person because I feel my emotions?

Why was I constantly being told that I was too emotional?

Why was I told it was wrong to be hurt that my parents shut down my opinion?

Why was I being told that being angry is a bad thing?

Why was I being taught that showing frustration is selfish and wrong?

Why was I being sent to my room for crying because I was sad that my parents wouldn’t hear my side of things?

Why was I conditioned to believe that happiness is the only important emotion to feel?

I am realizing now that I am trying to run from emotions that are guaranteed to happen at some point anyways. I am going to experience grief, sadness, fear, anger, jealousy, and so many more emotions throughout my life. I’m realizing now that the key isn’t to try and push these feelings away — the key is to embrace them and find healthy ways to cope with them.

Every emotion that comes into my day is important and shows me a message of some sort. It’s just my duty to find a healthy way to go about how I handle the emotion. By learning more about emotions I’ve been able to find coping mechanisms that are beneficial to each one. I also have been able to connect with the participants at my work on a whole different level. I can empathize with them and help them understand their emotions better. I have had a participant tell me she wants to learn about emotions too because it is helping.

Showing and talking about emotions isn’t a sign of weakness in my eyes, it’s a sign of being human.

I know I can start allowing all emotions into my life now. I can finally start to become less numb. It is going to take time and patience, but I am excited to unlearn that I should only be happy. 

Although I was taught that all emotions aren’t okay and won’t lead you to connection — I don’t believe it. Allowing emotions to be felt has brought me the most connected to myself than I ever have been. 

My Ticket to Happiness

thepinkrosediary

The word vulnerability used to scare me a lot. The thought of putting not only my trust in others but trust in myself made my stomach turn. The thought of showing my emotions at work when I was feeling emotionally drained seemed impossible to me. Imagining myself telling my friend I’m not okay with being judged all the time made me want to hide and never see them again. 

I couldn’t think of one benefit of vulnerability. I was too scared to even take a peek at it. 

I thought to myself: Why would I not want to constantly think about the ways things can go wrong? If I work myself up over something that hasn’t happened it will prepare me for if it does happen. The truth is, no matter how hard I try to prepare myself for hard emotions for when they happen — they wind up hurting me just as bad regardless if I was prepared or not.

I thought running away from vulnerability was protecting me but I’ve realized recently that it has done the opposite for me. It has blocked me from making true, beautiful, meaningful, real, and deep relationships. 

My fear of vulnerability has stopped me from trying new things because I’m more worried about how if I fail people will not accept me. Or if they know the real me they won’t want anything to do with me anymore.

My fear of vulnerability has caused me to break my own heart but put the blame on others for breaking it. 

It wasn’t until I started to be vulnerable with myself and others that I truly started living.

I want to explain to you what vulnerability means to me. This will include a lot of random little paragraphs that have come to my mind when thinking about this word. I want to explain how being less scared of vulnerability has changed my life in the most amazing, beautiful ways.

Vulnerability to me:

Vulnerability to me is admitting I’m not okay, to both myself and others. It’s admitting to someone that I need help. Knowing that they can decide to judge me or reject me.

Vulnerability to me is knowing my wants and needs. It’s not only knowing them — but asking for people to respect them too, knowing they may not accept me after setting this boundary. Vulnerability has helped me stand up for myself more because I’m not ashamed of what I want and need.

Vulnerability to me is taking a look at the parts of me I’m not proud about and choosing to accept them. By accepting traits in myself I don’t admire — I have been able to have an open mind about them. This gives me the power over the trait instead of the trait having power over me.

Vulnerability for me is taking a look at my past without judgment to understand why I am the way that I am. It’s opening up past wounds that didn’t get healed fully because I decided to push them down so far that they were almost impossible to access without a trigger. 

Vulnerability to me is allowing myself to feel every single emotion without judgement. It’s me allowing myself to cry on the bathroom floor until I start hyperventilating. It’s not judging myself for slamming a door extra hard because I have so much rage and resentment built so deep down that it comes out in unhealthy ways.

Vulnerability to me is also being able to admit to myself that I have things to work on. It’s being able to look at me slamming the doors hard and admitting to myself that it isn’t an action that reflects the way I want to be. It’s accepting this and taking action to change it without judging myself. 

I said above that it wasn’t until I started being vulnerable not only with others but with myself that I truly started living. Being vulnerable to me isn’t just about being vulnerable with others. 

Vulnerability, to me, starts from within. I had to be vulnerable with myself before I could allow myself to be seen by others. I had to accept myself for who I was before I could allow someone else to accept me for who I am.

Although vulnerability has brought on a lot of challenging emotions due to digging into my past a lot, it has also come with a lot of amazing feelings. The most beautiful feeling that has come with accepting vulnerability into my life more, is: freedom. 

It is the feeling of freedom I now experience when being vulnerable and authentic. 

Being vulnerable has helped me look at my toxic traits with empathy and compassion instead of judgement.

I swear — by accepting my toxic traits, I have been able to love myself through the process of unlearning them. 

I went from telling myself no one will love me because I can be selfish, jealous, and self-conscious — to I love myself. Even when I am selfish, jealous, or self-conscious I choose to love myself. I love myself because I am working every day to find ways to decrease the parts of me I have held on to for 20+ years that aren’t mirroring who I truly am. 

I find being vulnerable absolutely terrifying and uncomfortable. But sometimes that little uncomfortable feeling it gives me turns out to be something really rewarding, and beautiful.

Vulnerability has helped give me that acceptance I’ve always wanted, but this time it’s from within and not from an external source.

Vulnerability, to me — is my ticket to happiness.

Something I Learned About Myself Recently

thepinkrosediary

Before I go into my blog post today I want to say once again that I love my parents so much. I don’t hold anything against them because they did what they could with all of the parenting tools they had. My parents did everything they could to make sure that I had everything I needed and more growing up.

Like I said, my parents raised me the way they did with the tools that they had from what they knew growing up. I felt safe, and cared for in mostly every way — the emotional support just wasn’t always there.

I have empathy for my parents because the lack of emotional support they gave me is because that’s all they were taught growing up. My parents were taught that being tough and brave meant you only show happiness so that’s what I was taught as well. You can’t teach someone how to regulate their emotions if you don’t even know how to regulate your own.

The reason I want to state this about my parents is because the emotional part of my journey involved me digging deep into my past, including childhood. I needed to reflect on the lack of emotional support I received in order to be able to understand why I struggled to cope with hard emotions as an adult. 

I’m really excited to go into emotions a little deeper during this blog post, so here it is:

Something I learned about myself recently: I don’t know how to regulate intense emotions.

When I look back 6 months ago, the word I would use to describe how I reacted to intense feelings / emotions would be: toxic. 

I really struggled to cope with any intense feelings that occurred. 

Whenever rage, shame, guilt, anger, fear, or jealousy would enter my life — I would react in a poor way. 

Whenever I was angry I would yell, scream, want to break things, and slam doors. Whenever I was sad I would cry, get into a deep depression, and think about everything that is making my life terrible. Whenever I was scared I would try and control the situation or person. I did this because the fear of the unknown was too scary. I wanted to be in control of the situation because if I wasn’t I may end up hurt. 

I would also shut people out whenever I would feel anything other than happy because I was ashamed of not being “normal.” I didn’t believe that experiencing emotions other than happiness was normal, which caused me to shut down completely whenever I felt any of them.

This started to have a negative impact on a lot of my life. My work, my mental health, my physical health, my relationships (romantic and not), and my self esteem. 

It wasn’t only hard for others to want to be around me — it was also really hard for me to be inside of my own head all of the time. I was either ruminating on something that went wrong, something that will go wrong, or something else that wasn’t going right in my life.

I started to question my sanity because I had no idea how to cope with anything that was going on in my life. 

I couldn’t understand why when someone betrays my trust — it feels like there’s something caught in my throat and I feel like I am going to be physically sick. In situations where someone would betray my trust I would convince myself I should forgive them because everyone deserves a second chance. I wouldn’t stand up for myself and say I was hurt.

I couldn’t understand why when someone left me out of a plan — I would feel isolated, unloved, and alone. I would cry for hours and my chest would break out into a rash because I was feeling my emotions that intensely. I would ruminate all night long asking myself what is so wrong with me that I don’t always get included and others do?

I couldn’t understand why I felt these intense feelings so much when it seemed like everyone around me seemed not phased when things like this in life happened to them? I felt like I was so alone because the only feeling I wasn’t feeling intensely seemed to be happiness — the one emotion I was taught that was good to feel my whole life.

After doing a lot of shadow work, journaling, and meditation — I found out why I had a hard time experiencing tough emotions. 

I was taught at a young age in order to feel included, wanted, or loved — I had to be nice, respect everyone (meaning I was not able to stand up for my wants or feelings), and I had to be happy because happiness is the only good emotion to feel. 

I felt as if I was committing a crime when I would express any emotion other than happiness when I was a child.

When I was young, if I was really sad or angry about something — I got shut out. I would be sent to my room without having my side of the story heard. Speaking up for myself was against the rules because it meant that I wasn’t happy with something, and as I said — happiness was the only emotion that was socially acceptable (and still sometimes is).

My least favourite line my parents would say while growing up was: when my parents would say no to something so I would ask why and their response was “because we said.” That really would get my blood boiling because I felt like my feelings didn’t matter in those situations. I felt rage so I would yell at my parents and go cry in my room. I felt so alone and not heard.

The downfall of being told / getting shown that happy is the only good emotion to feel is that it didn’t allow me to find ways to cope with harder emotions when they did occur. 

I can’t stop sadness, anger, fear, or any other emotion that doesn’t feel great when experiencing it come into my life. Life is full of change, twists, and roadblocks. Trying to run away from emotions has only caused me more hurt than anything. It caused me to doubt my self worth, think negatively, project my insecurities onto others, and more things that don’t match up with the person I want to be or the person that I am.

I shamed myself for feeling deeply. I didn’t console myself like I would console a loved one, or even how I would console a stranger. I beat myself up over feeling anything other than happiness.

When I think about how I shame myself more than I would ever shame someone else my mind gets blown, to be honest.

I know my values and try to stay true to them as much as I can. I know for a fact that if someone were to shame me and be as hard on me as I am — I would stand up for myself or leave the situation completely. But negatively talking to myself? That’s like my second job and I allowed myself to do it for the majority of my life.

I got really tired of being hard on myself and hard on everything and everyone around me. I felt like I didn’t know myself. I was getting tired of feeling worthless, empty, alone, and numb.

I’ve realized recently that I won’t ever know if there is a different way to do something if I don’t look.

This realization has made me want to learn more about emotions. 

Which led me to learn that it’s important to feel all of my emotions. It’s okay to feel anger, and sadness. It’s how I choose to react to the feeling that can lead to either a life full of happiness or a life where I’m emotionally numb. 

Once I learned that all emotions are okay — I started to reflect on my own emotions.

Anger:

Anger is an emotion that I don’t feel often, but when I do — it hits me hard, and it hits me fast. I wanted to reflect on anger first because it was an emotion that would actually scare myself when I did feel it because I felt like I wasn’t in control of my body.

I needed to start recognizing the first signs that anger was about to take over me. I soon came to find out that when I start to get angry I have some physical reactions that can happen. My fists and jaw can clench, my heart rate can increase, and I can start breathing heavy. 

So now, when I recognize that anger is slowly starting to appear in my life — I ask myself: “How do I want to cope with this anger that I am starting to feel?”

Do I want to react in a way that might hurt myself or others? Or do I want to do it through a way that benefits my life both physically and mentally?

I used to automatically pick the first option (without even asking myself the question). I now choose the second option, which is physical activity for me. I choose to step away from the situation that’s triggering the anger and reflect before reacting and then do an intense workout or take my dog for a walk. 

It took me a long time to turn physical activity into my coping mechanism for anger. There are times I still raise my voice louder than I should, and times when I push the door a little harder than normal.

However, I know that this is so new to me and being kind to myself along the way will help me more than cursing myself out for being human and making a mistake. If I choose to beat myself up over still yelling sometimes — it will put more negative thoughts in my head, which will lead to more negative reactions.

By changing my reactions to emotions that occur — I was also able to change my negative thinking to a more positive narrative. 

I used to look at how far I had to go in order to get to where I want to be as a negative thing. I would complain about how hard the process was instead of realizing that I am becoming more true to myself every single day regardless of how hard it can be. 

I also never used to believe in myself. I’ve been told by quite a few people in my past that I wouldn’t go anywhere in my life. I chose to believe that for so many years, along with so many other negative thoughts and comments made by myself and others. But now — I believe in myself because I am such a determined human being. Whenever I put my mind to something — I can accomplish it. 

I’m also accepting that I’m human, and I know that humans have emotions. I am going feel sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety through my life and that is okay. I am no less of a person because I feel these emotions, and feel them deeply. 

Now that I’m starting to show and accept my emotions more — I’ve been truly a happier person. Being able to constantly be that person I can count on for when I am feeling an intense emotion is a pretty liberating feeling. I truly believe that accepting and showing my emotions has brought me closer to myself and others. 

This shit takes time, but honestly I now love the challenge. Every time I react in a way that doesn’t represent who I want to be — I chose to reflect on my actions instead of beating myself up. I choose kindness and compassion for myself because I deserve it. The reward of feeling in control of my feelings for the first time in my is so worth the work that it takes.

Cheers,

K

Daily Reminder to My Authentic Self

thepinkrosediary

I do a lot of research for self-help. I mean like a lot of research. I bolded and italicized that to really kick in the emphasis of how much freaking research I do. So much so, that at times I forget things I’ve learned about. I’m always bringing in so much new information to my brain that I think it probably gets a little overwhelmed and wants me to do some meditation for a day instead. 

Don’t get me wrong I LOVE learning new things. It’s one of my passions and I find that life is super exciting because of it. But because of HOW excited I get about new topics I start jumping from one thing to another. I get so far into this that I forget to reflect on what I’ve learned and apply those new skills.

I noticed last week that I find myself still reacting to things in ways that aren’t healthy EVEN THOUGH I’ve spent weeks learning how to cope with hard emotions. Whenever I find myself reacting in an unhealthy way I find that my mind completely draws a blank on anything I’ve ever learned. 

I’m realizing now it’s because I don’t take time to sit down and apply the skills I’ve learned. It’s also because I have ADHD jumping from one topic, to another topic, if very common.

The thing is… I don’t want to be constantly looking up new ways to be my most authentic self if I am not getting what I want to get out of it. 

I started this blog because I wanted to share everything I’ve learned in hopes to help one person…

I’m deciding today, that I am going to be the person I help. 

Me.

I took today to write a list of things that help me be my true self.

I am going to keep on me at all times, as a reminder of things I’ve learned through this journey that will continue to help me grow and find my true self. 

If this post ends up helping someone else that’s a bonus — I’m just so proud of myself for choosing me.

1.Pick empathy over judgment

There will be times today that your initial reaction is going to be judgment. Someone may cut you off in traffic and you start calling them names and judging their character. Acknowledge that judgment is going to come into your day. The thing is to recognize it and turn it into empathy.

When you catch yourself judging someone — take a step back. Ask yourself why you’re judging something or someone? What emotion is it bringing out? 

Then ask yourself if the rage you are feeling while judging someone cutting you off in traffic is how you want to feel right now? Sometimes you may need that one minute to feel anger or rage, but remember that your judgment is creating the rage — the situation is not. 

Challenge yourself to an empathetic approach once you have recognized and accepted that you are feeling an emotion that is causing you pain. 

Maybe the person just got their license, or maybe it’s that persons first time driving after a horrific accident they had 5 years ago. Find empathy, because empathy will lead you to joy, happiness, and peace. Judgment will lead you to rage, sadness, and apathy. 

2.Find opportunity to grow in every situation

You need to remember that no matter how much you try to avoid tough situations — they are going to happen. Life isn’t always going to be easy, but remember there can be beauty in that.

Instead of running away from things that challenge you or scare you — look for the opportunity to learn something new or grow.

If you teach a topic at work and you notice that the participants aren’t understanding — don’t run. Don’t shame yourself for not being perfect the very first time you try something new. Failure leads to new ways to grow. Find this opportunity to use your skills that you are educated on and find a different approach to teaching that topic. 

Remember that every challenge that comes your way is helping you become more resilient. Becoming more resilient helps you find the opportunity to grow in any situation.

3.Learn something new

Have you learned anything new today? If you haven’t yet then go Google something random or something you’ve always wanted to know. Learning is so fascinating. It helps you become a more understanding and caring person.

Learning something new has also helped you find out your passions and hobbies. You never knew you were into podcasts until you gave one a try, and maybe you’ll never know you’re supposed to play guitar because you never tried to learn. 

Learn something new today and tell a friend. Maybe it’ll inspire them to learn too!

4.Express gratitude

Remind your loved ones that you are grateful for them. Remind your significant other that you are so thankful that he has taught you to become more independent because it has helped your find your voice that was hidden for so long.

Remind your best friend that you would be lost without their unconditional love. Remind her that going through hard times would be so much harder if you didn’t have her support no matter what. 

Remind a co-worker for how grateful you are that they have taught you so much about your job. That you’re thankful for working with people that want to help individuals have a voice when they haven’t for so long. 

Remind yourself for how grateful you are for all of the beautiful things this world has to bring to you. Remind yourself for how thankful you are given today as another opportunity to be amazing and your true self. Remind yourself for how grateful you are for being on this journey and how far you’ve come.

Express gratitude in as many ways as you can think. Whether it’s by text, phone call, random acts of kindness, or positive affirmations — express it. Not only does it bring you joy, it also brings others joy too.

5.Be open to different perspectives

Remember the story: The Blind Men and the Elephant. 

If you need to re-read the story to remind you about perspective, then do so.

https://www.peacecorps.gov/educators/resources/story-blind-men-and-elephant/

6.Be self-compassionate

Be kind to yourself. Instead of saying you can’t do something, tell yourself you can’t do it yet. 

Change your negative self-talk to talk of self love and compassion. When you catch yourself judging someone — recognize it but be kind to yourself when you do. You have lived your life this way for 28 years and changing that narrative can be hard. Be kind. 

When you look into the mirror, count all the things you love about yourself instead of naming everything you hate that you see. When you make a mistake, recognize mistakes happen every single day and that you’re not stupid or dumb for making one.

When you forget something, like an appointment or to message a friend back — recognize it, but don’t tell yourself that you’ll never be able to remember anything. Remind yourself that organization and remembering things may not be a strength you have right now, but there is so much time to grow.

Make sure you give yourself the most amount of self-compassion. 

7.Exercise at least one way: physically, mentally, or emotionally

Exercising is something that has always been there to help you when you’re down. No matter what type of exercise it is — you always get some sort of benefit from it.

Here are some ways that you can exercise some form of your body:

  • Mindfulness
  • Yoga
  • Going for a walk
  • Emotional regulation exercises
  • Listening to a podcast
  • Meditating
  • Deep breathing
  • Heavy lifting 
  • HIIT workout
  • Dancing in the kitchen
  • Research a self help topic
  • Journaling

Do some of these during the day. Exercising brings you so much energy that will help you stay positive throughout the day.

8.Stay true to your values and beliefs

Although empathy, compassion, and being more understanding of others is SO important to you… don’t forget about yourself.

Make sure you know your values first. You cannot stay true to your values if you don’t know what they aren’t / can’t always remember them. 

Some of your values to remember:

  • Compassion
  • Kindness
  • Connection
  • Love
  • Growth
  • Authenticity
  • Learning
  • Honesty

These values are things that you have took a good look at to know that in order to be your best self — you need these in your life.

9.Laugh more

A lot of this self-help work can be dark, which brings up a lot of darker emotions like: sadness, anger, grief, loneliness, and others. 

This means it’s so important to not take everything in life seriously.

If you rip a hole in your favourite pair of pants — laugh it off after you curse. Find joy and happiness in more. Search for more things that make you smile and laugh so hard that your abs hurt.

Watch Impractical Jokers

Play the Switch with your partner

Watch videos of animals doing weird things on YouTube

Find things that make you laugh and write them down so when you need a little laugh, you’ll have a reference.

10.Believe in yourself

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if your best friend, your partner, your parents, or anyone else you’re searching for approval from believes in you.

What matters is that you believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself you do amazing things.

You write from your heart. You are positive. You are optimistic. You look for the goodness in things.

Keep believing in yourself no matter what may stumble across your path. Always have faith that you can do whatever you set your mind to. 

You are capable of incredible things. Remember that. Believe in it. 

Cheers,

K

Empathy

thepinkrosediary

I remember one time in grade 10 English class we all had to bring in a rough draft of a paper we were going to submit later on that month. The teacher collected the papers and then started to rip off our names off the corners. After she did that, she started to explain to the class that she was going to give everyone a copy of someone else’s paper to correct. We wouldn’t know whose it was because the name would be ripped off. My heart instantly sank. I never really enjoyed people reading my writing. I was always very timid of being wrong or not being smart enough so the thought of someone reading my paper scared the shit out of me.  

When I received my paper back after it was being corrected by one of my classmates, I remembered why I hated it so much. The one thing that I remember being written on my paper was “this paper is too personal, maybe try something that isn’t as personal.”  

I was embarrassed. The paper I wrote was very close to my heart. After that I absolutely hated when people read my work, and still to this day I hesitate making my blog posts too personal. The thing I realized is that the people that influenced me the most on my journey to becoming my authentic self all told very vulnerable stories. Reading and listening to these vulnerable stories of others helped me feel less alone and more connected to myself. 

My focus isn’t going to be on the folks who think my work is too personal. The truth is – a lot of it is going to be very personal. My goals and focus are to help someone feel less lonely like bloggers, podcasters, and authors did for me.  

So here it goes, my story about Empathy. 

In early 2020 (when the first shut down was happening) I was going through a really hard time in my life for a few different reasons. The first reason was because I loved school and was having a hard time coming to terms with not going back in person. On top of COVID stopping me from going to class in person – I was also struggling with low self-esteem and I was craving intimacy. 

I had been single for 4 years at this point and was starting to feel lonely.  

I met a guy through a mutual friend who told me up front he didn’t want a relationship. At the time I didn’t realize how badly I need connection and intimacy in my life, so I too said that I wasn’t looking for anything long-term (when I read this to my partner later, he will probably laugh because he knows how much I love connection and intimacy). 

We met and there was this instant emotional connection that I felt with him. I felt safe when he was around and I could tell that whenever I opened up about something he truly cared and took everything in. In my past, this wasn’t something I ever experienced. I always felt like I annoyed my partners when I would share personal stories. I never felt as if someone truly heard or understood me. 

We ended up spending quite a bit of time together. The more time we spent together the more feelings other than “friends” started to grow. Not just on my part either – we both started to fall for each other. 

But at the end of the day, I wanted a relationship and he still didn’t.  

It hurt a lot. I couldn’t understand how we could both feel this strong of a pull towards each other but he still did not want anything to come of it. 

I quickly sunk into a pretty deep depression. I started to push my family and friends away. I was going for drives by myself at night to sit in a parking lot and cry. I was turning off all my location settings because I didn’t want anyone to find me and try to talk me out of being sad. I isolated myself completely. I got to a very low point that was difficult to overcome, especially when I couldn’t even put it words the emotions I was feeling at the time. 

Both really wanting love again and feeling a very strong emotional connection with him made it hard to move on right away. I couldn’t explain to my friends at the time what it was about him that I liked so much because all they could see were the red flags I blatantly ignored. 

Because there were so many red flags my friends had a hard time seeing the good qualities that I saw in him. It kind of made them blind to how deeply depressed I was.  

Whenever I would cry or say that I felt down the responses I would receive from my friends (most of the time) would be: 

  • You’ll get over him soon 
  • He told you he didn’t want a relationship 
  • Some people just aren’t meant to be together 
  • It’s better now than later when you develop deep feelings 
  • He’s an awful person. You can do better. 
  • You were warned this was going to happen 

While I know none of these words were meant to hurt me – they did. I kept wondering why no one understood where I was coming from. I kept thinking that if people are telling me I shouldn’t be this upset about a situation, then maybe something is truly wrong with me. 

**Turns out a lot of females with ADHD feel emotions much more intensely than females without. Also, a lot of people with ADHD have a hard time regulating their emotions, which is something I have struggled with my whole life. 

I kept a very negative narrative in my head saying things like: 

  • Why can’t I be normal? 
  • Why am I so sad over this? 
  • What is wrong with me? 
  • Will I ever be enough for someone? 
  • Why do I feel my emotions so intensely? 
  • Will I ever be normal? 

It took me a long time to heal from this.  

It wasn’t until my journey of self-growth that I was able to look back at a time that really caused me a lot of hurt and reflect on it in a healthy way. I did this by constantly researching ways I can find my true self. I was constantly trying to find ways to be a better person.  

I listen to a LOT of self-help podcasts now. A lot of them talk about empathy and how practicing empathy (yes, it can take a lot of practice) can bring you more connected to not only others, but yourself as well. Sometimes I will YouTube guests that are on podcasts and listen to different videos of them talking. 

That’s when I stumbled onto the YouTube video:

It really helped me connect the dots in my life when she says towards the end of the video: 

“Because the truth is, rarely, can a response make something better. What makes something better, is connection.” 

This started me on a HUGE discovery of Brené Browns work. I will talk about her quite often on my blog because I believe that her words have helped me find my authentic self again, and truly teach me ways to love myself again. 

By reading Brené Browns work I started to understand that what helps us feel connected to people. The thing Brené Brown says is what connects us the most is empathy. 

Empathy is what I was missing in my conversations with some of my friends when my heart was broken in 2020. 

I was being judged for having feelings towards him, being this upset over it, and talking to him in the first place. I was being told not to listen to sad music because it would make things worse. I was getting shamed for being sad over something that caused me a great amount of pain. 

Being judged made me feel unconnected from everyone. It made me feel alone and isolated. It made me feel crazy.  

I know that the reasoning behind this isn’t because my friends are terrible friends. Just like, when I too tried to fix my friends problems in the past, it wasn’t because I didn’t love them or didn’t care about them.  

It’s because: 

  1. I wasn’t comfortable talking about hard feelings because sometimes they triggered things I wasn’t ready to heal yet, or 
  1. I didn’t know how much power empathy has and the connectedness it brought  

That doesn’t mean that me and my friends don’t have good intentions. We do. We say things like “you can do better,” and “it’s better now than later,” because we want the person to know there is a bright side to look on. I know my heart just breaks whenever I see a friend sad. I’m always wishing I could do something to take away their pain instead. I start trying to say things that seem positive instead of just being there and feeling their pain with them so they don’t feel alone. 

I think looking on the bright side is so important, but it isn’t the first step. The first step is to recognize how the person is feeling and reacting to that with empathy. Empathy brings connection. Empathy helps remind the person that they aren’t alone, because I too have felt deep sadness or shame.  

Empathy is a skill that has taken me some time to develop. If I had tried to feel empathy towards every single person in my life right away – it would have been too much. I could have triggered something that wasn’t healed yet or become too empathetic and forget about my own feelings. 

Practicing empathy has been hard because it has also helped me reflect on why I don’t have empathy for certain people and situations. (It helped me identify my triggers and what caused them, another topic for a blog one day!!!) 

I strive to have more and more empathy every single day. There are days where empathy still seems impossible, but I remind myself that I am not perfect. I do not need to be perfect either – I just want to push myself a little bit harder than the day before. 

I’m not sharing this story for empathy either. I am healed from this experience; that is why I am comfortable sharing it. I’m so thankful for this experience because although I was in a dark place – it taught me so much. 

It taught me that loneliness is one of my least favourite feelings to feel for long periods of time.

It also led me to a healthy relationship with a man that continues to want to grow with me every single day. 

This experience has led me to the love of my life. A man that challenges himself every single day with me to be a better person, even when it gets really dark and hard. A man that applauds me when I stand up for myself instead of calling me down to my worst. A man that can reflect on his actions and can apologize first, but also will call me out when I am being the stubborn one that needs to apologize first but won’t. A man that drives me absolutely bonkers by singing to himself every second of the day – but also is so comfortable being himself and that inspires the heck out of me even when he’s blurting out the wrong lyrics. A man that has not yet once questioned this path that I am taking, but instead decided to join me for the ride.  

This past year and a half with my partner has taught me more about myself and taught me how to love someone on a whole different level. I am so grateful for all that experience has taught me and that it led me to a relationship that makes me feel whole instead of invisible.

I truly am grateful not only for this rollercoaster in 2020, but for my growth. To be able to take a step back and learn from a situation that caused a lot of pain instead of staying cold towards it shows the amount of growth I have done. Every single day I get amazed about how much I am growing, and get excited to see what’s next in store for my journey. 

Although it has been really hard at times on this journey, I know that practicing empathy for others has brought more happiness into my life.  

Practicing empathy has helped me really understand people on a whole different level. It has brought my relationships so much closer and so much more real. It feels so good to be able to truly understand someone’s feelings and be emotionally connected to them so I can help support them the best way possible. 

To me, seeing and feeling someone empathize with me is the most comforting, safe, and purist feeling. I instantly feel a little bit lighter, a little bit more courageous, and a little less alone. 

Cheers,

K

Emotionally Brainstorming

thepinkrosediary

My love to learn is one of my favourite ADHD characteristics that I have. One thing I am really into right now is learning about emotions. Learning about how emotions work, what physical signs are associated with them, repressed emotions, numbing emotions – you name it (and I will probably have notes about the topic in one of my dozens of notebooks). 

I thought that because I was learning so much about emotions lately that writing about them would be easy. I listened to my meditation about creativity, sipped on my coffee and water, and turned on the computer. An hour later I sat staring at the word document with bits and pieces of work that I typed up, feeling (and probably looking) completely defeated.  

The truth is, it’s hard to talk about emotions when I still struggle with mine on a daily basis. To try to write something personal about the topic I chose to write about this week but still struggle a lot with – almost felt wrong. 

When the doubt started to take over, I started to react to my emotions in a not so healthy way. I started to become cold and short with my partner. I started to lose my patience with the dogs. I started asking myself “You can’t relate to this topic, so how are you going to be able to write about it?” I kept telling myself that I wasn’t as far along my journey as I thought I was. I was tossing the idea around whether or not I should post my weekly blog or the idea to take a free pass because I had an emotionally hard week. 

When I was staring blankly at my blog, cursing myself out, cursing Spencer out, and honestly just cursing the whole world out – I could feel these intense sensations come on. I felt my body get tense, and my felt my heart starting to race. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to write anything else when all I could think about was how little I had written so far. That’s when I remembered my counsellor suggesting doing physical activity when I feel an intense emotion coming on (I love meditation but breathing deeply will not help me in a situation when I feel like I’m going to pull my hair out). Sometimes I need to get my tense body moving in order to feel grounded again. 

So, I mixed up my pre-workout and went downstairs to mine and Spencer’s mini gym we have been working on. I pressed play on my 30-minute workout and would rate my workout… a solid 6/10. Even though I didn’t give it a full 100%, I still felt better. Which brings me here, writing this with a clear head (and a very full happy stomach thanks to Spencer for bringing me home pad Thai). 

So now that my mind is clearer, and my belly is happy, I am going to write what I know about emotions, and my experiences with them: 

Side note: I don’t hold judgement to anyone that I was supposed to look up to for not talking about emotions. People can only teach you what they know. If they don’t know about emotions or how to regulate them themselves it’s almost impossible to help someone else understand theirs. 

Emotions weren’t really talked about in my childhood. Not by my parents, my teachers, my family, or even close friends. A lot of what I saw growing up was that in order to be happy you had to not feel negative emotions. I was taught to bury them so deeply because it was frowned upon to cry hysterically, or to be angry at the way someone treated me. I was shamed for crying at times because “someone had it worse than me” or “I was too sensitive.” This led me to a lot of confusion growing up when hard situations would arise. 

But, no matter how much I try to push away the anger I have, or the feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, fear, embarrassment, or any other emotion I try to avoid – they would come to the surface again.  

I still feel sad even when I try to push it away because I am guilting myself for being upset over something people have told me in the past that I have no right to be upset over. I still feel angry when someone cuts me off in traffic. I still feel shame when something triggers part of my past I haven’t resolved. No matter how many times I try to “look on the bright side,” the dark side finds its way to the surface again.  

I was so confused why growing up I would always see my parents so happy and when I would feel a negative emotion, I didn’t feel like I belonged.  

When my heart began to race, I didn’t realize it was my anxiety, and even if I had realized it… I wouldn’t have been able to cope with it because I didn’t know how. My only knowledge of emotions was that feeling happy is good and feeling sad is not good. 

I kind of found myself in a downward spiral. I was finding myself having more anger, fear, sadness, shame, guilt, and other negative feelings in my life than happy ones. I didn’t want to keep living a life full of anger and resentment so I began doing my research.  

I mentioned above that one of the things I’ve been learning about is physical symptoms of emotions and naming emotions. This was the beginning of starting to understand my emotions better.  

Starting to be able to recognize symptoms of emotions has helped me be able to name them. By naming the emotions in situations when they are about to become overwhelming – it helps me find clarity on why I am feeling that way.  

Examples: 

Emotion named: sadness  
After I name the emotion that I am feeling I try to recognize the physical symptoms: a heavy chest, crying, hunching over, having my lip pout. Then, I reflect on the possibilities that could be causing this sadness. Did something happen today or yesterday that isn’t sitting right with me? Is there a coping mechanism that works best for when I am feeling sad? 

Emotion named: Fear, anxiety, or anger: 
When I recognize my body tense up or feel my body temperature rising there are times that I am able to identify it as anger, anxiety, or fear. I then ask myself again, what happened before this emotion came into play? 

Emotion named: Shame or guilt:  
When I feel my heart sink down to my feet it usually means it is shame, or guilt. I once again become curious as to where this feeling is coming from. What has triggered the feeling of shame? What am I feeling guilty about doing or not doing? 

By digging deep into my emotions, it helps me find the best coping mechanisms. When my emotions aren’t too intense, for instance when I am feeling irritated, guilty, or sad – meditation can help me through those feelings. I know that physical activity helps when my emotions are on a more intense level like when I feel anger, frustration, or fear. 

Most of the time, even when I can name my emotions, I still feel them SO deeply. They feel as though they are going to take me over.  

In cases like this I forget about recognizing the physical symptoms I am having. I don’t notice that my jaw is clenched, or that my heart is racing. I don’t take the time to notice the signs of anger, anxiety, fear, shame, and guilt. I let the emotion take over my body and mind. I shut down. I disassociate. I get cold towards others. I cry. I say harsh things to myself that I wouldn’t say to anyone else.  

The thing is, there will be times when all I can do is feel an emotion and that’s ok. There will be times when I can’t name or identify physical symptoms… and all I can do is scream; it’s okay. Breaking out of old coping mechanisms and habits that have caused me more pain than joy is not an overnight solution. 

Being aware that this journey of exploring my emotions takes time has been a humbling realization that I have made along the way.  

Naming my emotions and noticing physical signs of emotions has helped me a lot. Something else that has helped a lot is feeling and accepting all of my emotions that come up. This has helped me judge less, empathize more, connect to others in a more meaningful way, and find my authentic self again. 

By being able to sit with an emotion for a while it helped me understand it more. By being able to understand it more – I am able to accept it more. 

It’s one thing to be able to name, and recognize emotions. It’s another thing to fully allow myself to feel them and accept them, too. 

The more I was able to accept myself for feeling emotions that I usually tried to avoid, the more I was able to empathize and accept those emotions in others as well. 

Not only expressing my emotions to others, but accepting my emotions more, has been so rewarding. And I don’t mean just the ones that feel good to experience. It has helped me feel more connected, whole, and authentic. To be vulnerable and say to myself “I’m stressed” instead of taking on another project even though I have a million on the go, and be kind to myself and accept it. Or to openly admit to my partner that I am overwhelmed with the laundry, writing, taking care of the dogs, working out, eating healthily, and getting enough sleep – brings me closer to him. It lets him know that I trust him to see me at my worst.  

By taking a step back and reflecting, I was able to realize what emotions I was experiencing and why. The guilt I had when I was unable to write. Or the anger I was experiencing when my guided meditation for creativity wasn’t working. Or the shame I was feeling when I was telling myself I wasn’t knowledgeable or experienced enough to write about emotions. And now that I can name these emotions, I can make the connection to the physical symptoms I was having, too. My heart racing; my fists being clenched; blaming others for how I was feeling; saying harsh things to myself that I wouldn’t say to anyone else; and disassociating myself from not only my partner, but my true self as well. 

I may have only been able to recognize sensation in my body today while I was trying to write BUT… being able to make connections afterwards? That is a HUGE win in my books. It doesn’t matter the order that I do this. I am growing every single day and need to remind myself how far I have come. 

Educating myself on emotions has been amazing. Not only am I getting better at identifying my emotions, I am also getting better at being kinder to myself when I feel down. I work on regulating my emotions often, and I am excited to continue to do so. I’m not an expert by any means – I just know that diving into understanding my emotions better has been one of the best risks I have ever taken. A risk that comes with a reward of feeling more whole, less confused, and more myself. 

I am starting to take control of my emotions instead of them taking control of me. 

Cheers,

K