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Emotions Overload

thepinkrosediary

August 7th… I completely broke down.

My emotions completely took over my mind, and body.

Disgust with the chores that have to be done around the house.

Anxiety about all the little things that need to get done before baby Isabella arrives.

Guilt for doing a puzzle instead of checking items off my to do list. 

Worry about whether or not I would be a good enough mom. 

Overwhelm due to not being able to explain how I was feeling.

Helpless because all I could do was cry.

I just broke. 

I felt every emotion, and every emotion so intensely. 

I express most of my emotions through tears. I’m sad? I cry. I’m angry? I cry. I feel overwhelmed? I cry. I’m overjoyed? I cry. 

So when they all come at once, you can only imagine the amount of tears that came. It wasn’t the cute cry that can happen when I’m watching a sad movie, or feeling love so strong that tears come — it was a full on ugly, intense cry. Tears were streaming down my face mixed in with an abnormal amount of snot coming from my nose. I couldn’t stop. Hyperventilating started and my chest got blotchy. I started sweating profusely and could barely get a word out in-between blowing my nose and trying to catch my breath.

I told my fiancé that I felt overwhelmed with everything that we had to do before the baby comes. He instantly got up and started doing things in order to relieve some of those emotions for me. The thing was when he started to move around the house — I felt even more overwhelmed. There was so much I wanted to get done I didn’t know where to start. I couldn’t sit down and make a plan because that felt too overwhelming as well. 

So instead of accomplishing any chores or tasks of the to-do-list, I just cried.

My fiancé got me a coffee, my computer, and some water while I started to calm down. He reminded me we just need to take one day at a time, and one task at a time. We decided it was for the best that we both took a breather and when we were feeling more relaxed and in a calmer state, we would make a plan. 

…

I have been working on healing for quite sometime now. This includes figuring out who I am, why I say, do, and act the way that I do, and finding out who I want to be.

Looking back at my breakdown reminds me of something I have learned about during this healing process. A lot of my actions and reactions stem from childhood. The way I handle how I react to big emotions stem from childhood. You see, when I was a baby or a young kid… I was pretty innocent. I had a huge imagination, I would sing and dance without a care in the world, I would ask questions that were on my mind, and I would take in the environment around me.

When we are at a young age, we don’t have the capacity to understand emotions and feelings. We feel them, of course, but to understand what they are telling us is beyond our capacity of knowledge at such a young age. We do, however, feel them and remember the feelings. We then are taught how to cope with the emotion we are experiencing either intentionally, or unintentionally. 

For instance, when big emotions occurred for me when I was a child — I was pushed away. I was told to be quiet and be thankful for everything that I have. I was told by caregivers, and other adults that they were the adult and what they said goes. I was told not to make a scene. I was told I was being selfish. I was told by my caregiver “I’ll give you something to cry about.” 

I was being asked to make myself smaller and ignore these intense feelings that were coming up as if they would never occur again. I wasn’t sat down and talked through how to cope with them in a healthy way. I wasn’t reminded that big emotions happen to every single person on earth and that it’s okay to feel them. I wasn’t taught that talking about how I felt would help me understand the situation better. I wasn’t encouraged to feel my emotions, rather, I was taught to push them away and not show them.

The thing about this is that it carried on throughout my whole life. I’m 29 years old and still struggle to regulate my emotions. When the same feelings I experienced as a child come up, I feel them in my body, and then respond to them the same way I saw when I was just a kid.

I will go quiet, as if trying to shut out my emotions because I believe they aren’t supposed to be felt. I can hyperventilate until I’m almost puking because I’ve tried so hard not to feel the emotion that it has start to overtake my body. I will push whoever is close to me away because comfort was something that was foreign to me and it doesn’t feel safe when someone offers it. I will start talking negatively to myself. I’ll tell myself other people have it harder than I do, so I shouldn’t be upset. I’ll tell myself I’m being selfish. I’ll tell myself I’m not normal for feeling the way that I do. I isolate myself. I disassociate from everything and everyone. I do all of this because it’s all I know.

I do this because it’s what I saw and was taught to do as a child. Not out of lack of love or not caring about me. I was taught this because it’s the tools that the people that helped raise me had. Growing up they weren’t shown empathy or compassion when they experienced big emotions, either. They were told the same things that they eventually started to tell me. It’s generational trauma that will keep going until someone decides to stop it.

This scares me a lot when I think about raising a child. I worry that my big emotions will show too often and I will still be struggling with how to cope with them in a healthy way.

But, on the positive side, I’m thankful I am now aware of this. I’m thankful I can start to be kind to myself when I feel so overwhelmed that it’s as if my body is being taken over. I can start to train myself to take a step back when I notice my physical symptoms appearing, for instance, rapid heartbeat, sweating, clenched fists, fidgeting, zoning out, and more. When I notice these symptoms I can remind myself that a big emotion is festering and about to show. I can talk kindly to myself and not continue the negative self talk pattern that is all I know. 

With hard work and dedication, I can show my little girl that it’s okay to feel big emotions. It’s okay to feel out of control sometimes. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be scared. She can watch me talk to myself kindly while I work through big emotions, and by doing this, she will start to be kind to herself when she feels them as well. By practicing these I will be able to not only handle my big emotions, but Isabella’s as well. I’ll be able to show love and compassion instead of irritation and control. I can be the role model she needs growing up. 

2023

thepinkrosediary

It has been a long time since I have posted on my Pink Rose blog page. December 18th, 2022, to be exact. 

After I wrote my last post I went through a bit of an emotional downward spiral for a couple of weeks. I couldn’t explain the way I was feeling those few weeks even if someone were to hold a gun to me to try and explain. All I know is the two weeks following my last blog post were both the best and the worst days I’ve had in a long time.

Every single thing was irritating me. My fiancé would breathe the wrong way and I would snap. The dogs would bark at something outside and I would lose my cool. I was crying hysterically more hours of the day than not, and the hours I wasn’t crying — I was picking apart every aspect of my life. I was questioning my relationship, I was questioning my worth, I was questioning who I was, and lastly, I was questioning my sanity.

You see, I’ve had bad weeks before. Weeks where I find myself on the bathroom floor hyperventilating from crying so much, or weeks where I couldn’t get out of bed to shower more than a couple of times. This was different though. My emotions were taking over every part of my day. I would throw my phone in anger and leave the house bawling my eyes out and threatening my fiancé that I was leaving for good.

While I was doing and saying these things, they didn’t feel right. It was like my body was doing these actions even though my brain was telling me to ask for help and not run. I couldn’t figure out why I was so emotionally overwhelmed. It got to the point where I told my fiancé I was spending the night in a hotel room because I needed to think about whether or not we should be together.

Once I got to the hotel room, I quickly sunk into a deep sense of sadness. I ordered food, but couldn’t eat. I tried to write, but my hand wouldn’t move. I tried to give Spencer, my fiancé, space, when all I really wanted was to be held and understood. I ended up not staying the night at the hotel because I felt scared, lonely, and heartbroken. I went back to our house where I once again, quickly lost my cool and threw my phone at the wall in anger. It was like my body was doing things without me even thinking. Once minute I was talking to Spencer and the next minute I was the angriest I have ever been and acting in ways I couldn’t comprehend. 

I mentioned to my fiancé that my period was late, and that maybe all these intense emotions were because we were pregnant. Even though I said these words to him, I didn’t fully believe that I was actually carrying a child. I’ve been late with my period before and have taken a pregnancy test only for it to read negative. I, however, have never in my life experienced emotions the way that I was experiencing them the past two weeks.

We headed to Shoppers, around midnight, to pick up two pregnancy tests. When we got home I had to go to the bathroom so I told Spencer I was going to take a test. Out of handful of times I have taken a pregnancy test, I have always read the instructions — until this time. I peed on the stick and waited, and waited, and waited. After 20 minutes and absolutely nothing on the screen, I decided to read the instructions to see if I did something wrong. It turns out I didn’t wait for the screen to light up with a clock before using the bathroom, therefore, the pregnancy test wouldn’t work. 

I couldn’t go to the bathroom again that night so I told Spencer I would take the other test when I woke up in the morning, even though he was going to be at work. Things were still very tense between us because the past two weeks had been absolutely hell. We were starting to work things out, but nonetheless, still not the usual ease we have when we are together. 

At 5am the dogs woke me up to go to the bathroom, and while they were outside on the deck, I decided to take the pregnancy test. I read the instructions again and made sure I did everything right so I wouldn’t waste another one. The clock started to flash after I used it, and I went on with the morning taking care of the dogs. I actually forgot about the test for at least 20 minutes because I was getting the dogs settled again before we went back to bed. I texted Spencer letting him know that I was going to check the test and I would text him the results. 

I’ll never, ever, forget the feeling I had when I walked into the bathroom, looked down at the test, and read positive. I stood there in shock. I was pregnant. Spencer and I were going to be parents.

So many thoughts crossed my mind, but the first one was to let Spencer know. I quickly sent him a picture of the test results. Then, because patience is something I am working on, called him instead of waiting for him to see the picture. We were both so scared and so excited at the same time. We were going to be parents. We were bringing a little bundle of joy into this life. We were creating a new chapter in our lives. The best one yet. 

I would love to say that everything has been great ever since finding out that we were expecting. That, however, would be a lie. Pregnancy has been a beautiful gift us as a couple, and to myself as someone who continues to challenge myself to grow as an individual. I still have a lot of days where it seems like my emotions take over my body (especially with the intense emotions pregnancy brings). 

But like I said above, finding out that I am going to be a mother has been a beautiful gift.

Knowing that I will have a little girl look up to me for the rest of my life has driven me to start a brand new healing journey. 

I’m really excited (and also anxious) to get back into writing and share with everyone how 2023 has been the best year of my life. I’m looking forward to sharing this journey with whomever may stumble across my posts. 

This was one of the hardest blog posts I’ve written because it has been so long since I’ve encouraged myself to. It is also one of the ones that feels the most real and true to myself, which is something I am working on being more often. 

Cheers,

K

Brain Dump: December 18th 2022

thepinkrosediary

I felt completely lost this past year while I have been working on myself. It has been dark. It has been up and down. I didn’t recognize who I saw in the mirror at times because I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t for so long. I was pretending to be an extrovert my whole life so I could feel connection. I was agreeing with opinions that I couldn’t disagree more with. Conflict was my worst nightmare because I was so worried about losing the feeling of belonging and being connected.

Pretending to be someone that I wasn’t worked for 28 years. It worked until I started to take a deeper look into who I was really living my life for. I started asking myself questions like: who am I living my life for? Why am I focusing on making every single person happy instead of making myself happy? Pretending to be whoever I had to be for a certain group of people unfortunately lead me to not knowing who I was anymore.

This past week I had a HUGE awakening moment. It was like I finally woke up and remembered who I was again.

Whenever starting a blog post on WordPress, it will prompt you with a question. I never answer the question because I already have something written that I am going on to publish to my website.

Today’s question was: what skills and lessons have you learned recently?

Well, in 2023 I am going to dedicate my blog to sharing the steps that I took to get from my biggest critic, to my own best friend.

I have learned so many skills and lessons this past year that I want to share with anyone who reads these blog posts. I felt so alone because I didn’t realize how much my childhood could impact my adulthood if not addressed. I didn’t realize that I could start being in control of my thoughts, reactions, and life in general. I have been so focused on making everyone else around me happy that I forgot what made me happy in the first place

I’m really excited to grow more in 2023 and share all my experiences with this page!!

My “aha” Moment: Why I have 40,000+ Pictures on My Phone

thepinkrosediary

I love taking pictures. I take pictures every single day. I pay for extra storage on my phone each month because I have 40,000+ pictures on my phone. I have a hard time letting go of pictures even if I have 45 that look the exact same. I just absolutely love them.

I always thought that the reason I loved pictures so much was because my memory isn’t great. I thought old photos helped me remember moments in my life that I loved. I’ve thought this for a really long time, but today that thought changed. 

I think the reason I love taking pictures so much is because I have a really hard time living in the present moment.

I was listening to a Mel Robbins podcast episode yesterday, (which I will post below)!! Mel Robbins talks about how her family is visiting her for a few days and she was so excited to see them. But, just a moment later, she started to feel a complete different emotion. She wasn’t happy anymore, she was sad because she started to think about how they will be leaving in a few days. It made her realize that her mind tends to focus on the future and what could go wrong, which leads her to not fully enjoying the present moment. I HIGHLY recommend listening to this podcast, and a lot of her others. One of my coworkers recommended this to me and I am very blessed that she did.

Today, I am tying this into why I take so many pictures. I was going to blog about my love / hate relationship with fitness, but I changed my mind. While I was looking for transformation pictures, I started wondering why I take so many again. I said to my partner “I’m so glad that I take so many pictures, I think I do it because I tend to not live in the moment because I’m busy worrying about the problems that could happen in the future.”

That’s it. That’s why I love taking pictures. I have such a hard time being in the present moment with my loved ones, friends, family, and even my pets. I’m worrying about money, my career, my relationships, my future, the fact that that the house is a mess, the fact that I haven’t smiled in a few days, or the fact that life is so short and I’m so dissatisfied with what I am doing on a day to day basis right now.

Because my mind goes on this downward spiral about everything going wrong in my life — I struggle to just enjoy what’s happening right in front of me. I’m constantly distracted. There’s always something else on my mind that isn’t the person I’m talking with, or the pet I’m playing with, or the activity I’m trying to accomplish. 

I really believe that subconsciously I take a lot of pictures because I want to be able to go back through my phone and see great moments so I can ignore the pain I’m feeling while I’m taking them. I trick my mind into thinking that my life is happy, joyful, and exciting, when in reality — the whole time I’m taking the pictures I’m feeling fear, sadness, or anxiety.

I think I do this because sometimes it’s hard to admit to myself that I am deep down, a very negative person. I have a negative narrative towards myself. This isn’t easy to admit to myself or to anyone that reads that. I usually judge people that are negative because I can feel their energy drain everyone in the room. But, the reason I judge them is because I know that my base level right now is exactly that — negative and draining. 

But as hard as it is to admit it — it’s even harder living like this on a daily basis.

I want to become more aware of the present moment. I want to enjoy the moment that I’m in now. I want to be able to know that I was genuinely happy when I was taking the picture. I truly want to start enjoying every moment because like I said, life is way too short. 

I think I will challenge myself to start being more present when I am taking pictures. I want to ask myself:

Why am I taking this picture?

What is so special about this moment that I want to capture?

Why is this important to me?

Am I being present with whatever I am taking a picture of?

I think this will help me live more in the now. I will be reminded why I am taking the picture in the first place. I’ll remember the important things in my life. I’ll remember to be present again and be grateful for having such beauty in my life. 

I really think this was an “aha” moment for me. I feel very inspired. I feel like I just unfolded another layer of my story. 

Cheers,

K

And below… only a very small percentage of the pictures I have on my phone 😉

Here is the YouTube link to the Podcast that I was talking about! Her episodes are amazing, and this one really spoke to me.

The gift that keeps on giving: Self-reflection

thepinkrosediary

I talk about self-reflection a lot because it has been my saving grace this past year.

The truth is, I can be really critical to myself and others.

I start making myself a victim in my own life with how critical I am to myself. The negativity sucks out any ounce of confidence or hope I have. 

I suck.

I’m a mess up.

I will never be good enough.

I will never be smart enough.

I will continue to fail.

I will never be normal.

Life sucks.

Why do I have to feel my emotions so intensely?

Will anything good ever happen for me?

When will this hard part of my life end?

Why me?

This habit of bringing myself down is something that I have dealt with for a majority of my life, and still continue to struggle with it today. I am grateful though. I’m grateful because I don’t think I would have been able to see this blindspot of mine if it weren’t for my new love for self reflection. 

I can now reflect on situations and ask myself: is the way I want to be treating myself or someone else? Is this the way I want to feel? Is this lining up with my values? Am I speaking up for myself? Is my behaviour hurting myself or someone else? Is it reflecting the person I want to be? 

I also give myself permission to feel. I let myself feel the disappointment, shame, fear, and embarrassment I try to run away from. I do this because I’ve learned that by allowing myself to feel my emotions — I am able to start changing my narrative around them. 

Instead of asking myself why I’m so emotional I remind myself it’s okay so be sad, angry, hurt, and everything else I am feeling. I remind myself that I’m so lucky to be able to feel my emotions the way that I do. With self reflection, it has given me a brighter outlook on how intensely I feel things — feeling emotions so intensely helps me relate to others so easily. It allows me to show empathy and provide comfort when someone is in need of it.

I remind myself that it’s okay to feel shame for ditching my friends for the millionth time in a row. I remind myself it’s okay to be embarrassed that I find it hard to work right now. I just keep reminding myself that I am human and I am allowed to feel my emotions. I’m allowed to be struggling. I’m allowed to feel confused with life.

Right now I know that my brain is wired to react with criticism, blame, projection, and shame. Self-reflection has given me the ability to start rewiring my brain to choose compassion, love, forgiveness, and kindness. By allowing myself to be open-minded and curious about why I am the way that I am — it has helped me become less of a victim in my own life, and more of a confident, self-loving advocate for myself.

So now, my question is:

What is stopping you from self-reflecting? 

Is it fear? Is it because you don’t know how? Is it because it will put you in a vulnerable position with yourself that you haven’t allowed yourself to be in, in a very long time?

Ask yourself why. Ask yourself why again. Keep digging deep until you find the reasoning behind it. And when you think you know the reason behind it — ask why again.

What is the core reasoning behind the way you think, act, and talk?

What is stopping you from asking yourself why you get angry when you’ve been waiting for over an hour on hold for a bill that you shouldn’t have received? 

What is stopping you from reflecting on the way that you judged the person at the table beside you at the restaurant for giving the staff a hard time? Instead of continuing to judge the other person, stop and ask yourself why you are judging them in the first place? 

Do they have something that you want? Are you subconsciously judging the other person so you don’t have to feel the shame knowing you can show the very actions you’re judging the other person of?

Every single one of us has something we want to work on or should work on. No one is perfect. Perfect just doesn’t exist. I used to think it did, and sometimes I still expect it from others, and myself. But, at the end of the day, I know that perfection is an unrealistic goal to put on myself or anyone else. It drains us. It makes us say things that go against our values so we look good for others. It makes us say yes to too many things in hopes that people will think we are invincible and can do it all.

We are all human. We all have flaws. We all will make mistakes. We all will fail at something. We can’t do it all, all of the time. We need rest. We need to put ourselves first for once. 

So, we can continue to let these things break us down, or we can start to self reflect. We can start to become aware of who we are and start choosing to work towards the person we want to be instead. We can start to make changes that allow us to be our true selves. We can become so resilient and happy.

Who do you want to be? Become aware of who that is and start becoming that person.

Take a step back. Be kind to yourself, too. You are human. We have flaws. We will mess up. We will hurt someones feelings. We will have to make a plan B, C, and maybe even a plan Z. The beauty in self-reflection though, is that it’s the first step towards becoming the person you want to be that has been hidden away behind a mask for so long.

Cheers,

K

Brain Dump: November 27, 2022

thepinkrosediary

Another brain dump this week!

I started writing something that I really want to share, but I am deciding to wait. I’m waiting because my heart is telling me to write about something else.

Life has thrown some curveballs our way lately(mine and my partners), which is taking up a lot of my mind. It’s also bringing up a lot of emotions that can be hard to experience. I want to do a brain dump again this week because this is all that’s coming to mind.

I’m scared because I don’t have anymore sick days or vacation days at work, but I’m also not in a place where it would be beneficial for either me or the folks I work with if I was there. I’m scared because I now feel as if I have to choose between my income or mental health and I have no idea what to pick. 

I’m angry at the system for not giving me more resources when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I’m angry with myself for not asking my doctor for resources, too. I’m getting angry with myself that I’m not able to put my thoughts to the side so I can write something for my blog. I’m mad at myself for not setting boundaries with people. I’m angry that I was never taught to regulate my emotions and was scolded for showing anything other than content. 

I’m sad that I’m scared to speak up for myself because I was always told that speaking up was disrespectful. I’m sad that I struggle to be confident because I allowed myself to believe words that were told to me over and over again in the past.

I feel shame for changing so much in my relationship. I feel shame when I don’t have the energy to take the dog for a walk. I feel shame that I couldn’t go to my grandmothers birthday dinner tonight in fear that I would be triggered by someone there. I feel a shit ton of shame because I have been so distant from every single person in my life lately. 

I just feel. I just feel so much right now. Trying to balance all these emotions and thoughts is so exhausting. It leaves little to no room for my creativity to come out. 

I am, however, very grateful for this experience no matter how hard it has been. I tell my partner this a lot. I know that at the end of the day, every single tear I shed, and everything I learn about my past and myself, is leading me to a beautiful life.

Also, here is a picture of my favourite golden man, Comet. It’s his gotcha day and he brings light into my day every single time he smiles.

Brain Dump: November 20, 2022

thepinkrosediary

Usually I want to have a really nice written blog post and start stressing myself out when it becomes 7:30pm and my page is still blank. This is happening to me tonight.

I’ve learned a lot about self compassion lately and know that it is something I need to practice more often. So tonight, instead of getting mad at myself for not having anything, I am going to explain why I don’t.

I spent all day trying to write a letter to my work asking for accommodations. My mental health has been not great at all lately, and I have been struggling. I have been mostly struggling due to my ADHD diagnosis.

After getting diagnosed with ADHD at 27 years old I was sent to my doctor to talk about medication. I was then put on medication and not given any resources, tips, or an explanation about the diagnosis. Sure, having the answers as to why I acted the way I did my whole life was a breath of fresh air — but that only lasted for about 2 months. Then, the “honeymoon” phase I’ll call it of getting a late diagnosis faded. I started not being able to focus at work, I was becoming more and more reactive, and I was constantly criticizing myself for not being normal.

It has been a really hard road trying to figure out my ADHD by myself. Trying to figure out how to start regulating my emotions after 27 years of being told that I was just too emotional or sensitive is really difficult. Trying to re-wire my brain is hard. It’s especially hard because I burn myself out every single day trying to act as if I’m not struggling. I hold my tears in until my drive home from work. I go into the bathroom to let my ugly tears out. 

Trying to cope with a new diagnosis with no idea on where to go is very isolating and depressing. It’s dark, sad, scary, and lonely. 

However, I have grown more resilient, courageous, independent, and adaptable because of having to try to figure this out on my own. I have been able to understand myself more because I am taking the time to truly understand how my brain works and finding ways to cope with it in a healthier manner.

I know that I am rambling on for a lot of this post, but the truth is — it took me all day to write a letter and I am exhausted. I want to spend the rest of the night cuddled up with my dogs and my partner. I want to show that I am human. Tonight — I really didn’t have anymore energy to type out a huge post with a lot of content people can learn from. Tonight, I just wanted to be me and accept it as it is.

Cheers folks,

K

Being Emotionally Vulnerable Scares Me

thepinkrosediary

I don’t mind being vulnerable in the sense that I don’t mind telling others about past traumas that have taught me lessons and helped shape me into the person I am today. In those situations I don’t even feel like I’m being vulnerable because I find it so easy. But… expressing to something how I’m feeling about something/someone? That’s where I shut down. I find it extremely difficult to be vulnerable with myself and others when it comes to my emotions. 

To look at someone and express that I am feeling shame, embarrassment, fear, jealousy, guilt, depressed, or defensive — is one of the toughest things for me to do. To open up the potential of getting rejected, misunderstood, laughed at, or ignored TERRIFIES me. It has scared me so much that I started to internalize everything I felt, thought, and wanted. I thought that internalizing my hard emotions would make them disappear. I thought that if I pushed the hard emotions so far away that they would just leave me alone and I would be happy.

Well folks, I have learned recently that I was very, very wrong. These emotions that needed to be felt started showing up in basically all areas in my life, and not in healthy ways. 

I was projecting my toxic traits onto others. I would do this so I didn’t have to come face to face with the reality that I can be toxic, too. If I admitted that I can be toxic, it put the potential to feel the emotions that I kept trying to run away from. So instead, I would judge others for being controlling without reflecting on my own controlling behaviours that I have. I would get irritated when someone would cut me off in traffic, but at the next set of lights I would do it to someone else because I was anxious I was going to be late. I would call others out for judging, when I was judging them for judging in the first place.

I was lashing out at people I love when I would experience an intense emotion that I tried to avoid for so long. Whenever I would start to experience shame, I would start yelling and projecting myself onto others. I didn’t know how to cope with the emotions in a healthy way because the only thing I knew was to ignore them.

I was getting SO mad at myself for having such poor reactions to certain situations. There would be days where if someone closed the door the wrong way my fists would clench, my heart would start racing, and I would be fuming with irritation. My reactions were becoming so unhealthy and so harmful to myself and others that I needed to do something. 

I didn’t love who I was becoming. Every day it seemed like something else was adding to my list of things that annoyed me. I cried every single day. I felt empty every single day. I didn’t recognize myself in all areas of my life: work, home, family, and relationships. 

There has only been one thing that has been my saving grace through this process.

I think the best thing I have ever done for myself, and continue to do for myself, is truly getting to know me… and that means even the emotions I have tried to push away most of my life.

I’m guessing that a majority of the folks that end up reading this will think they know themselves; just like I thought I knew myself two years ago. But the thing is, I’m not talking about knowing the basic things about myself. I’m not talking about my favourite colour or which person from Love is Blind this season is my favourite (Nancy, my girl — you are my spirit animal on a side note).

I’m talking about really getting to know myself on an intimate, deep, authentic and real level.

I’m talking about:

  • Getting to know my triggers
  • Recognizing harmful character traits in myself
  • Getting to know my core values in life
  • Recognizing my negative thinking pattern
  • Digging into past traumas
  • Finding out what my true passions are
  • Becoming self accepting and self loving
  • Setting boundaries
  • Exploring my childhood
  • Finding the parts of me that I hid away from the world in order to fit in
  • Embracing autonomy
  • Learning my love language, my personality type, and so much more

These past two years of getting to know myself more have been the most life changing years of my life. It has also been the hardest thing I have ever decided to do. Re-living past traumas, diving into my toxic traits, and setting boundaries would have been nearly impossible for me to do without my amazing support system. Without my parents, my counsellors, my friends, or my partner — I wouldn’t have been where I am today. 

With my support team, my courage, my curiosity, and my commitment to really getting to know myself; I am starting to be able to release built up emotions that were stuffed away for so long — and replace that spot with more love.

When Fear Takes Over Your Life

thepinkrosediary

This folks… is the real me.

This picture really captures one of my most prominent ADHD features: clutter. Especially paper. 

I love having ADHD because it has blessed me with my curiosity and love to learn. It can, however, be annoying. When I get hyper-focused on a dozen different topics every single month — it can be hard to organize everything AND try to retain all the information.

I have about 20 different notebooks all full of blog ideas, notes from audiobooks, notes from podcasts, research notes, journal entries, and so much more. There are random papers stuffed inside notebooks or journals. It is very chaotic, but so is my brain 85% of the time. This really represents not only what my notes look like… but what my brain looks like on a daily basis as well.

I decided that I needed to clean this out and start fresh.

So on Saturday morning, once I finished my smoothie bowl, coffee, and positive affirmations (my morning ritual) — I got to work. I put on an episode of Franklin (yes, I am 28 years old and I still love my morning cartoons) and started creating two piles with the papers. I had one pile that was for garbage, and another pile that was full of things I scanned over and thought might have some good content for a future blog post.

That night, I went through the papers I decided were worth keeping, and I found something that really stood out to me.

Awhile back I started listening to an audiobook called “Best Self” by Mike Bayer. I have not finished the audiobook (just like every other audiobook I start basically) but, I did get through some of the first chapters. I remember really enjoying his voice, which helped me stay super focused when I listened to it. 

I found some old notes that were labelled: 

Chapter 4: Identifying Your Obstacles

Followed by this question:

What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life?

This week, I want to share my answers I wrote. It’s raw, it’s vulnerable, and it’s basically like a journal/diary entry… so it’s real. 

What are some of the fears that have held you back from making changes in your life?

One fear that has held me back from making changes in my life is the fear of what others will think of me. I get worried that if I make drastic changes in my life, people will talk behind my back and treat me different. My fear of what others will think of me has stopped me many times from making changes to become my true self.

Another fear that I have is the fear of getting hurt. I tend to try and predict what will happen in my future by remembering parts of my past and assuming it’ll happen again. There are times I live in this state of fear and start preparing for the next bad thing to happen instead of living in the moment.

Another fear that has stopped me is the fear of failure. I get scared to do something new, something bold, something hard, or something outside of my comfort zone. The fear of failing at something has stopped me from writing, forming new friendships, and new hobbies. I feel unworthy of doing whatever it is I am trying to do instead of looking at failure as opportunity to learn.

Another fear that has stopped me from making changes is the fear of the unknown. I think to myself “I may not be as happy as I want to be BUT what happens if I make more changes and nothing happens or it gets worse?” The fear of not knowing if the changes I am making are going to positively or negatively impact me… scares the shit out of me.

Another fear that has stopped me is the fear of being alone. The fear of being alone has caused me to remain in toxic relationships longer than I should have. Sometimes, I want to stand up for what I believe in but get scared no one will stand with me through it. I get scared I will be alone if I make changes to become my true self. 

Reading these now I am really proud of myself. The amount of growth that I see in me is actually really dang cool. I have gone from someone who has pointed out flaws in everyone else but myself — to someone who’s able to see areas in my life I want to work on and approach them with compassion.

I have also realized that I am missing two things I fear most. The fears that has caused me to miss out on so many things in life and make changes that were necessary. The fears that have disconnected me from people and have stopped me from standing up for what I believe in.

The fear of vulnerability and the fear of being rejected.

I am learning lately that I am more scared of vulnerability and rejection than I am of sharks (and if you know me well, you know how terrified I am of them).

My fear of vulnerability and rejection has stopped me from making changes in my life so I could feel like I belonged. I’ve made different personas for different social groups so I could feel acceptance, love, and belonging. I have moulded myself into so many different groups JUST so I could avoid rejection and being vulnerable.

By trying to shape myself into different personalities at different times, I have lost my sense of autonomy. I forget who I am, what I like, what my values are, and what I will and will not put up with.

I have avoided rejection and vulnerability in order to bring me connection, love, and belonging BUT — what I have learned is, it does the opposite. The more I run away from these fears, the more I run towards loneliness, emptiness, and disconnection. 

To be vulnerable, I have to be able to accept the fact that I don’t know what is going to happen in the future. I need to be open to mistakes and learning from them instead of beating myself up for being human.

When I choose to not allow my fears to take over (although I want to throw up at first), afterwards, I feel so at awe. I’m realizing now that the more I allow myself to be vulnerable, the less lonely, empty, isolated, and disconnected I feel. The more I open up to the people that deserve to hear my story brings me the connection and belongingness that I need.

I know that with more practice, patience, and self-love I will become an expert like Brené Brown on vulnerability. I will overcome my fear of not being my true self in front of everyone. I will overcome my fear of vulnerability.

I highly recommend watching this video! Brené Brown has opened my eyes so much on a lot of topics, especially vulnerability.

Vulnerability is scary, and it bring out a lot of emotions I am no where near comfortable with yet. But, the more I learn, and the more I teach about it, the better I get at it. The more I talk about how scared of vulnerability I am, the more vulnerable I become, and the less scared I become. The more I remind myself that with every rejection comes a lesson — the easier it gets when the rejection happens.

I am comfortable with being terrified of sharks for the rest of my life. What I am not okay with is allowing my fears of rejection and vulnerability to block connection, love, and belonging from my life. 

October 30, 2022: Brain Dump

thepinkrosediary

The truth is I have no idea what to write about this week. 

To be honest — I am wanting to hold back saying why I’m having a hard time focusing this week. I’m scared to admit why I am struggling this week because I’m worried about what people will think. I hate rejection so much that I shy away from admitting that I’m struggling. I’m scared others will think I just want attention or empathy. I hear this in my work, my social life, and in the community. People have told me so many times before that I crave attention and that’s why I am so easy to open up to others. The truth is, I want connection. I want to be real. I want to be me. I want to be able to admit I’m not okay and not get judged or have someone find the hidden meaning behind it. 

While I am so busy worrying about what others think — I am also not letting my true self be seen. I get caught up making up scenarios in my head about how others want me to act that I forget who I am to begin with. I start pressuring myself to show courage, strength, resiliency, and vulnerability that I start shaming myself when I start to feel any other way. 

I made this blog to be able to speak my truth regardless of what that truth may be. I created this website for me. I did this because I have such a strong passion to not only write, but to share my knowledge to others, too. I have this urgency right now to find my authentic self and make sure that she is shown more often and hidden less.

In order to be my authentic self — I need to accept that being strong, resilient, courageous, and vulnerable isn’t always easy. It comes with bumps in the road that sometimes seem like they will be impossible to get over. I need to be able to admit that right now I am not feeling any of those. The truth is — right now I’m feeling fear, worry, sadness, anxiety, shame, guilt, and other emotions that can uncomfortable to feel. 

Just last week I told my partner I felt like I was going through a middle life crisis right now. My emotions have been so all over the place lately that I couldn’t even tell you how many times they change throughout the day. 

I have been feeling a lot of shame when going to work lately. I feel as if I don’t put enough effort in because I find myself getting distracted all the time. I wasn’t able to perform tasks to the best of my abilities. I couldn’t organize anything. I was crying on my way home from work every single day. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open past 8:00pm because I was mentally, and emotionally drained by the end of the day.

I decided to ask my doctor to go on stress leave after consulting with HR and my supervisor. I decided for one — to put my needs first even though it was very uncomfortable. So now, I am on leave and trying to get out of this (what seems like) quarter life crisis.

I have always been pro mental health leave mainly because I am very pro mental health. But let me tell you… ever since I’ve been off I have been a big ball of anxiety. In the back of my mind I’m always asking: “what am I going to do when the two weeks are up? What if I’m not ready?.” I preach that people should listen to their mental health, but shame myself when I finally listen to mine.

I’m unsure of what the future looks like for me at this moment and that scares the shit out of me. I’m constantly anxious right now, and ruminating on everything that’s going wrong in my life. I can’t shake my negative thoughts right now. 

I feel confused with what to do with the next chapter of my life. I feel hopeless because I find each day is getting harder to find joy in. I feel exhausted because my brain is constantly ruminating on everything and anything. I feel shame because I can’t do as many chores around the house right now and I’m lashing out at people I love. I feel fear that people won’t want to read my blog because I can’t organize my thoughts right.

I am really struggling in most areas in my life right now. I am, however, grateful that I have been on this personal growth journey and have picked up things along the way that have helped me. I’m going to list 5 little tips that are helping me get through this hard period of my life. 

1. Accepting Emotions:

Trying to accept my emotions as they come has really helped me ground myself when intense emotions to arise. There have been a lot of really hard emotions coming up that seem like they’re too big for me to tackle. I find that the more I acknowledge my emotions the less power it gives the emotion over me.

2. Positive Affirmations:

Every morning after I make my smoothie bowl and coffee — I turn on a positive affirmation video. I put a huge comfy blanket over me and repeat the affirmations to myself silently. Doing positive affirmations every morning has really helped me have a better outlook on everything going on in my life even when it’s hard.

3. Gratitude:

I try to practice gratitude every single day. I try to list at least 3 things every night before I go to sleep. I try and challenge myself to name different things every night. There are nights that I have 10 items because I feel so grateful that day. Practicing gratitude has helped me remember all the wonderful things I have in life when all my brain wants to think about is everything that’s going wrong. The more I did this, the easier it became!

4. Maintaining an Exercise Routine

This is personally something that helps me stay focused, motivated, and centred. I also enjoy using exercise as a way to get out any irritation, anger, or frustration I may have. I love the adrenaline rush that I get when I start a new workout program. I love how proud I feel after accomplishing another program. I also just love how much it helps not only my physical health — but mental health too. This also includes walking!

5. Watching Childhood TV Shows

I don’t know folks but for me, watching an old favourite show from childhood makes me feel so free. It makes me feel young, silly, authentic, and happy. I love remembering how excited I would get when these shows would come on TV. Now, I get just as excited when I start to hear the theme songs. I feel as if I could take on the world because I don’t care about what others think of me — I just care about feeling like a kid again. Feeling nostalgia has been a saving grace for me on the hardest of days on this journey.