Another brain dump this week!
I started writing something that I really want to share, but I am deciding to wait. I’m waiting because my heart is telling me to write about something else.
Life has thrown some curveballs our way lately(mine and my partners), which is taking up a lot of my mind. It’s also bringing up a lot of emotions that can be hard to experience. I want to do a brain dump again this week because this is all that’s coming to mind.
I’m scared because I don’t have anymore sick days or vacation days at work, but I’m also not in a place where it would be beneficial for either me or the folks I work with if I was there. I’m scared because I now feel as if I have to choose between my income or mental health and I have no idea what to pick.
I’m angry at the system for not giving me more resources when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I’m angry with myself for not asking my doctor for resources, too. I’m getting angry with myself that I’m not able to put my thoughts to the side so I can write something for my blog. I’m mad at myself for not setting boundaries with people. I’m angry that I was never taught to regulate my emotions and was scolded for showing anything other than content.
I’m sad that I’m scared to speak up for myself because I was always told that speaking up was disrespectful. I’m sad that I struggle to be confident because I allowed myself to believe words that were told to me over and over again in the past.
I feel shame for changing so much in my relationship. I feel shame when I don’t have the energy to take the dog for a walk. I feel shame that I couldn’t go to my grandmothers birthday dinner tonight in fear that I would be triggered by someone there. I feel a shit ton of shame because I have been so distant from every single person in my life lately.
I just feel. I just feel so much right now. Trying to balance all these emotions and thoughts is so exhausting. It leaves little to no room for my creativity to come out.
I am, however, very grateful for this experience no matter how hard it has been. I tell my partner this a lot. I know that at the end of the day, every single tear I shed, and everything I learn about my past and myself, is leading me to a beautiful life.
Also, here is a picture of my favourite golden man, Comet. It’s his gotcha day and he brings light into my day every single time he smiles.
The Pink Rose Diary 