Usually I want to have a really nice written blog post and start stressing myself out when it becomes 7:30pm and my page is still blank. This is happening to me tonight.
I’ve learned a lot about self compassion lately and know that it is something I need to practice more often. So tonight, instead of getting mad at myself for not having anything, I am going to explain why I don’t.
I spent all day trying to write a letter to my work asking for accommodations. My mental health has been not great at all lately, and I have been struggling. I have been mostly struggling due to my ADHD diagnosis.
After getting diagnosed with ADHD at 27 years old I was sent to my doctor to talk about medication. I was then put on medication and not given any resources, tips, or an explanation about the diagnosis. Sure, having the answers as to why I acted the way I did my whole life was a breath of fresh air — but that only lasted for about 2 months. Then, the “honeymoon” phase I’ll call it of getting a late diagnosis faded. I started not being able to focus at work, I was becoming more and more reactive, and I was constantly criticizing myself for not being normal.
It has been a really hard road trying to figure out my ADHD by myself. Trying to figure out how to start regulating my emotions after 27 years of being told that I was just too emotional or sensitive is really difficult. Trying to re-wire my brain is hard. It’s especially hard because I burn myself out every single day trying to act as if I’m not struggling. I hold my tears in until my drive home from work. I go into the bathroom to let my ugly tears out.
Trying to cope with a new diagnosis with no idea on where to go is very isolating and depressing. It’s dark, sad, scary, and lonely.
However, I have grown more resilient, courageous, independent, and adaptable because of having to try to figure this out on my own. I have been able to understand myself more because I am taking the time to truly understand how my brain works and finding ways to cope with it in a healthier manner.
I know that I am rambling on for a lot of this post, but the truth is — it took me all day to write a letter and I am exhausted. I want to spend the rest of the night cuddled up with my dogs and my partner. I want to show that I am human. Tonight — I really didn’t have anymore energy to type out a huge post with a lot of content people can learn from. Tonight, I just wanted to be me and accept it as it is.
Cheers folks,
K
The Pink Rose Diary 