Becoming Emotionally Numb

So many emotions were shut down completely when I would express them in front of anyone when I was younger.

If I was angry, jealous, scared, worried, anxious, or any other emotion other than happiness and sometimes sadness — they were not talked about. I would be told to stop showing that emotion and be grateful for everything I had.

The thing is, I was grateful. I was just experiencing emotions that are shamed upon in some generations. I felt very out of place for experiencing these emotions that I was told I shouldn’t be feeling.

I became emotionally numb. I told myself that showing those emotions didn’t get me what I wanted when I was younger, which was to feel connection. I quickly learned that if I wanted anything — I had to be happy. If I wanted to feel heard, supported, and loved I just had to put a smile on my face to get it. This sadly carried out into my adulthood, which caused a lot of people pleasing tendencies (another blog for another day).

My mantra slowly became: happiness is key and all other emotions are considered unpleasant, undesirable, and wrong. 

This was my logic for so long. I thought that I was saving myself by not allowing myself to feel any emotion other than happiness and sadness sometime, just like I was taught.

It did everything BUT save me. This ended with me not being able to feel happiness, either. I wasn’t just emotionally numb from emotions that were hard to feel — I was numb from the only emotion I trained myself to feel my whole life. 

I got diagnosed with depression. 

It didn’t happen as fast as I just typed that though.

In 2013 I tried to take my own life at my residence at university.

I remember the ambulances lights lighting up the building because it was nighttime. I could see people looking out bedroom windows watching me walk onto the ambulance because I just tried to not be alive anymore.

I didn’t get diagnosed until two years after this incident. 

Between those two years I sunk into an even deeper depression. I harmed myself, I thought of ending my life at times, and I was acting out of character.

Like I said — I got diagnosed two years later. When I finally did I thought that everything would be way better. My medication was helping me, but it wasn’t enough. 

I was still emotionally numb. I was for so many years.

And, although I tried to push away hard emotions — they would still make an appearance in my life at times and I wouldn’t know how to handle them. I would react in toxic ways.

I didn’t start feeling my emotion until recently. 

It wasn’t until I started working as a life skills instructor at my work that I started to slowly become less numb. 

I really want to start teaching the participants at my work about emotional regulation. I’ve been reading up on it a lot trying to find different ways to teach about emotions at work.

I started reading about emotions a lot. One thing that was a common theme in a lot of articles was:

Everyone has emotions

Everyone has emotions. I read this everywhere.

All I could think about was my personal life at first.

If everyone feels emotions then why was I taught to not feel them? Why do I shame myself when I do feel an emotion other than happiness? Why do I call myself ridiculous when I am sad over someone crossing a boundary I put up?

Why am I categorizing myself as less than a person because I feel my emotions?

Why was I constantly being told that I was too emotional?

Why was I told it was wrong to be hurt that my parents shut down my opinion?

Why was I being told that being angry is a bad thing?

Why was I being taught that showing frustration is selfish and wrong?

Why was I being sent to my room for crying because I was sad that my parents wouldn’t hear my side of things?

Why was I conditioned to believe that happiness is the only important emotion to feel?

I am realizing now that I am trying to run from emotions that are guaranteed to happen at some point anyways. I am going to experience grief, sadness, fear, anger, jealousy, and so many more emotions throughout my life. I’m realizing now that the key isn’t to try and push these feelings away — the key is to embrace them and find healthy ways to cope with them.

Every emotion that comes into my day is important and shows me a message of some sort. It’s just my duty to find a healthy way to go about how I handle the emotion. By learning more about emotions I’ve been able to find coping mechanisms that are beneficial to each one. I also have been able to connect with the participants at my work on a whole different level. I can empathize with them and help them understand their emotions better. I have had a participant tell me she wants to learn about emotions too because it is helping.

Showing and talking about emotions isn’t a sign of weakness in my eyes, it’s a sign of being human.

I know I can start allowing all emotions into my life now. I can finally start to become less numb. It is going to take time and patience, but I am excited to unlearn that I should only be happy. 

Although I was taught that all emotions aren’t okay and won’t lead you to connection — I don’t believe it. Allowing emotions to be felt has brought me the most connected to myself than I ever have been.