My Ticket to Happiness

The word vulnerability used to scare me a lot. The thought of putting not only my trust in others but trust in myself made my stomach turn. The thought of showing my emotions at work when I was feeling emotionally drained seemed impossible to me. Imagining myself telling my friend I’m not okay with being judged all the time made me want to hide and never see them again. 

I couldn’t think of one benefit of vulnerability. I was too scared to even take a peek at it. 

I thought to myself: Why would I not want to constantly think about the ways things can go wrong? If I work myself up over something that hasn’t happened it will prepare me for if it does happen. The truth is, no matter how hard I try to prepare myself for hard emotions for when they happen — they wind up hurting me just as bad regardless if I was prepared or not.

I thought running away from vulnerability was protecting me but I’ve realized recently that it has done the opposite for me. It has blocked me from making true, beautiful, meaningful, real, and deep relationships. 

My fear of vulnerability has stopped me from trying new things because I’m more worried about how if I fail people will not accept me. Or if they know the real me they won’t want anything to do with me anymore.

My fear of vulnerability has caused me to break my own heart but put the blame on others for breaking it. 

It wasn’t until I started to be vulnerable with myself and others that I truly started living.

I want to explain to you what vulnerability means to me. This will include a lot of random little paragraphs that have come to my mind when thinking about this word. I want to explain how being less scared of vulnerability has changed my life in the most amazing, beautiful ways.

Vulnerability to me:

Vulnerability to me is admitting I’m not okay, to both myself and others. It’s admitting to someone that I need help. Knowing that they can decide to judge me or reject me.

Vulnerability to me is knowing my wants and needs. It’s not only knowing them — but asking for people to respect them too, knowing they may not accept me after setting this boundary. Vulnerability has helped me stand up for myself more because I’m not ashamed of what I want and need.

Vulnerability to me is taking a look at the parts of me I’m not proud about and choosing to accept them. By accepting traits in myself I don’t admire — I have been able to have an open mind about them. This gives me the power over the trait instead of the trait having power over me.

Vulnerability for me is taking a look at my past without judgment to understand why I am the way that I am. It’s opening up past wounds that didn’t get healed fully because I decided to push them down so far that they were almost impossible to access without a trigger. 

Vulnerability to me is allowing myself to feel every single emotion without judgement. It’s me allowing myself to cry on the bathroom floor until I start hyperventilating. It’s not judging myself for slamming a door extra hard because I have so much rage and resentment built so deep down that it comes out in unhealthy ways.

Vulnerability to me is also being able to admit to myself that I have things to work on. It’s being able to look at me slamming the doors hard and admitting to myself that it isn’t an action that reflects the way I want to be. It’s accepting this and taking action to change it without judging myself. 

I said above that it wasn’t until I started being vulnerable not only with others but with myself that I truly started living. Being vulnerable to me isn’t just about being vulnerable with others. 

Vulnerability, to me, starts from within. I had to be vulnerable with myself before I could allow myself to be seen by others. I had to accept myself for who I was before I could allow someone else to accept me for who I am.

Although vulnerability has brought on a lot of challenging emotions due to digging into my past a lot, it has also come with a lot of amazing feelings. The most beautiful feeling that has come with accepting vulnerability into my life more, is: freedom. 

It is the feeling of freedom I now experience when being vulnerable and authentic. 

Being vulnerable has helped me look at my toxic traits with empathy and compassion instead of judgement.

I swear — by accepting my toxic traits, I have been able to love myself through the process of unlearning them. 

I went from telling myself no one will love me because I can be selfish, jealous, and self-conscious — to I love myself. Even when I am selfish, jealous, or self-conscious I choose to love myself. I love myself because I am working every day to find ways to decrease the parts of me I have held on to for 20+ years that aren’t mirroring who I truly am. 

I find being vulnerable absolutely terrifying and uncomfortable. But sometimes that little uncomfortable feeling it gives me turns out to be something really rewarding, and beautiful.

Vulnerability has helped give me that acceptance I’ve always wanted, but this time it’s from within and not from an external source.

Vulnerability, to me — is my ticket to happiness.