Something I Learned About Myself Recently

Before I go into my blog post today I want to say once again that I love my parents so much. I don’t hold anything against them because they did what they could with all of the parenting tools they had. My parents did everything they could to make sure that I had everything I needed and more growing up.

Like I said, my parents raised me the way they did with the tools that they had from what they knew growing up. I felt safe, and cared for in mostly every way — the emotional support just wasn’t always there.

I have empathy for my parents because the lack of emotional support they gave me is because that’s all they were taught growing up. My parents were taught that being tough and brave meant you only show happiness so that’s what I was taught as well. You can’t teach someone how to regulate their emotions if you don’t even know how to regulate your own.

The reason I want to state this about my parents is because the emotional part of my journey involved me digging deep into my past, including childhood. I needed to reflect on the lack of emotional support I received in order to be able to understand why I struggled to cope with hard emotions as an adult. 

I’m really excited to go into emotions a little deeper during this blog post, so here it is:

Something I learned about myself recently: I don’t know how to regulate intense emotions.

When I look back 6 months ago, the word I would use to describe how I reacted to intense feelings / emotions would be: toxic. 

I really struggled to cope with any intense feelings that occurred. 

Whenever rage, shame, guilt, anger, fear, or jealousy would enter my life — I would react in a poor way. 

Whenever I was angry I would yell, scream, want to break things, and slam doors. Whenever I was sad I would cry, get into a deep depression, and think about everything that is making my life terrible. Whenever I was scared I would try and control the situation or person. I did this because the fear of the unknown was too scary. I wanted to be in control of the situation because if I wasn’t I may end up hurt. 

I would also shut people out whenever I would feel anything other than happy because I was ashamed of not being “normal.” I didn’t believe that experiencing emotions other than happiness was normal, which caused me to shut down completely whenever I felt any of them.

This started to have a negative impact on a lot of my life. My work, my mental health, my physical health, my relationships (romantic and not), and my self esteem. 

It wasn’t only hard for others to want to be around me — it was also really hard for me to be inside of my own head all of the time. I was either ruminating on something that went wrong, something that will go wrong, or something else that wasn’t going right in my life.

I started to question my sanity because I had no idea how to cope with anything that was going on in my life. 

I couldn’t understand why when someone betrays my trust — it feels like there’s something caught in my throat and I feel like I am going to be physically sick. In situations where someone would betray my trust I would convince myself I should forgive them because everyone deserves a second chance. I wouldn’t stand up for myself and say I was hurt.

I couldn’t understand why when someone left me out of a plan — I would feel isolated, unloved, and alone. I would cry for hours and my chest would break out into a rash because I was feeling my emotions that intensely. I would ruminate all night long asking myself what is so wrong with me that I don’t always get included and others do?

I couldn’t understand why I felt these intense feelings so much when it seemed like everyone around me seemed not phased when things like this in life happened to them? I felt like I was so alone because the only feeling I wasn’t feeling intensely seemed to be happiness — the one emotion I was taught that was good to feel my whole life.

After doing a lot of shadow work, journaling, and meditation — I found out why I had a hard time experiencing tough emotions. 

I was taught at a young age in order to feel included, wanted, or loved — I had to be nice, respect everyone (meaning I was not able to stand up for my wants or feelings), and I had to be happy because happiness is the only good emotion to feel. 

I felt as if I was committing a crime when I would express any emotion other than happiness when I was a child.

When I was young, if I was really sad or angry about something — I got shut out. I would be sent to my room without having my side of the story heard. Speaking up for myself was against the rules because it meant that I wasn’t happy with something, and as I said — happiness was the only emotion that was socially acceptable (and still sometimes is).

My least favourite line my parents would say while growing up was: when my parents would say no to something so I would ask why and their response was “because we said.” That really would get my blood boiling because I felt like my feelings didn’t matter in those situations. I felt rage so I would yell at my parents and go cry in my room. I felt so alone and not heard.

The downfall of being told / getting shown that happy is the only good emotion to feel is that it didn’t allow me to find ways to cope with harder emotions when they did occur. 

I can’t stop sadness, anger, fear, or any other emotion that doesn’t feel great when experiencing it come into my life. Life is full of change, twists, and roadblocks. Trying to run away from emotions has only caused me more hurt than anything. It caused me to doubt my self worth, think negatively, project my insecurities onto others, and more things that don’t match up with the person I want to be or the person that I am.

I shamed myself for feeling deeply. I didn’t console myself like I would console a loved one, or even how I would console a stranger. I beat myself up over feeling anything other than happiness.

When I think about how I shame myself more than I would ever shame someone else my mind gets blown, to be honest.

I know my values and try to stay true to them as much as I can. I know for a fact that if someone were to shame me and be as hard on me as I am — I would stand up for myself or leave the situation completely. But negatively talking to myself? That’s like my second job and I allowed myself to do it for the majority of my life.

I got really tired of being hard on myself and hard on everything and everyone around me. I felt like I didn’t know myself. I was getting tired of feeling worthless, empty, alone, and numb.

I’ve realized recently that I won’t ever know if there is a different way to do something if I don’t look.

This realization has made me want to learn more about emotions. 

Which led me to learn that it’s important to feel all of my emotions. It’s okay to feel anger, and sadness. It’s how I choose to react to the feeling that can lead to either a life full of happiness or a life where I’m emotionally numb. 

Once I learned that all emotions are okay — I started to reflect on my own emotions.

Anger:

Anger is an emotion that I don’t feel often, but when I do — it hits me hard, and it hits me fast. I wanted to reflect on anger first because it was an emotion that would actually scare myself when I did feel it because I felt like I wasn’t in control of my body.

I needed to start recognizing the first signs that anger was about to take over me. I soon came to find out that when I start to get angry I have some physical reactions that can happen. My fists and jaw can clench, my heart rate can increase, and I can start breathing heavy. 

So now, when I recognize that anger is slowly starting to appear in my life — I ask myself: “How do I want to cope with this anger that I am starting to feel?”

Do I want to react in a way that might hurt myself or others? Or do I want to do it through a way that benefits my life both physically and mentally?

I used to automatically pick the first option (without even asking myself the question). I now choose the second option, which is physical activity for me. I choose to step away from the situation that’s triggering the anger and reflect before reacting and then do an intense workout or take my dog for a walk. 

It took me a long time to turn physical activity into my coping mechanism for anger. There are times I still raise my voice louder than I should, and times when I push the door a little harder than normal.

However, I know that this is so new to me and being kind to myself along the way will help me more than cursing myself out for being human and making a mistake. If I choose to beat myself up over still yelling sometimes — it will put more negative thoughts in my head, which will lead to more negative reactions.

By changing my reactions to emotions that occur — I was also able to change my negative thinking to a more positive narrative. 

I used to look at how far I had to go in order to get to where I want to be as a negative thing. I would complain about how hard the process was instead of realizing that I am becoming more true to myself every single day regardless of how hard it can be. 

I also never used to believe in myself. I’ve been told by quite a few people in my past that I wouldn’t go anywhere in my life. I chose to believe that for so many years, along with so many other negative thoughts and comments made by myself and others. But now — I believe in myself because I am such a determined human being. Whenever I put my mind to something — I can accomplish it. 

I’m also accepting that I’m human, and I know that humans have emotions. I am going feel sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety through my life and that is okay. I am no less of a person because I feel these emotions, and feel them deeply. 

Now that I’m starting to show and accept my emotions more — I’ve been truly a happier person. Being able to constantly be that person I can count on for when I am feeling an intense emotion is a pretty liberating feeling. I truly believe that accepting and showing my emotions has brought me closer to myself and others. 

This shit takes time, but honestly I now love the challenge. Every time I react in a way that doesn’t represent who I want to be — I chose to reflect on my actions instead of beating myself up. I choose kindness and compassion for myself because I deserve it. The reward of feeling in control of my feelings for the first time in my is so worth the work that it takes.

Cheers,

K