Emotionally Brainstorming

My love to learn is one of my favourite ADHD characteristics that I have. One thing I am really into right now is learning about emotions. Learning about how emotions work, what physical signs are associated with them, repressed emotions, numbing emotions – you name it (and I will probably have notes about the topic in one of my dozens of notebooks). 

I thought that because I was learning so much about emotions lately that writing about them would be easy. I listened to my meditation about creativity, sipped on my coffee and water, and turned on the computer. An hour later I sat staring at the word document with bits and pieces of work that I typed up, feeling (and probably looking) completely defeated.  

The truth is, it’s hard to talk about emotions when I still struggle with mine on a daily basis. To try to write something personal about the topic I chose to write about this week but still struggle a lot with – almost felt wrong. 

When the doubt started to take over, I started to react to my emotions in a not so healthy way. I started to become cold and short with my partner. I started to lose my patience with the dogs. I started asking myself “You can’t relate to this topic, so how are you going to be able to write about it?” I kept telling myself that I wasn’t as far along my journey as I thought I was. I was tossing the idea around whether or not I should post my weekly blog or the idea to take a free pass because I had an emotionally hard week. 

When I was staring blankly at my blog, cursing myself out, cursing Spencer out, and honestly just cursing the whole world out – I could feel these intense sensations come on. I felt my body get tense, and my felt my heart starting to race. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to write anything else when all I could think about was how little I had written so far. That’s when I remembered my counsellor suggesting doing physical activity when I feel an intense emotion coming on (I love meditation but breathing deeply will not help me in a situation when I feel like I’m going to pull my hair out). Sometimes I need to get my tense body moving in order to feel grounded again. 

So, I mixed up my pre-workout and went downstairs to mine and Spencer’s mini gym we have been working on. I pressed play on my 30-minute workout and would rate my workout… a solid 6/10. Even though I didn’t give it a full 100%, I still felt better. Which brings me here, writing this with a clear head (and a very full happy stomach thanks to Spencer for bringing me home pad Thai). 

So now that my mind is clearer, and my belly is happy, I am going to write what I know about emotions, and my experiences with them: 

Side note: I don’t hold judgement to anyone that I was supposed to look up to for not talking about emotions. People can only teach you what they know. If they don’t know about emotions or how to regulate them themselves it’s almost impossible to help someone else understand theirs. 

Emotions weren’t really talked about in my childhood. Not by my parents, my teachers, my family, or even close friends. A lot of what I saw growing up was that in order to be happy you had to not feel negative emotions. I was taught to bury them so deeply because it was frowned upon to cry hysterically, or to be angry at the way someone treated me. I was shamed for crying at times because “someone had it worse than me” or “I was too sensitive.” This led me to a lot of confusion growing up when hard situations would arise. 

But, no matter how much I try to push away the anger I have, or the feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, fear, embarrassment, or any other emotion I try to avoid – they would come to the surface again.  

I still feel sad even when I try to push it away because I am guilting myself for being upset over something people have told me in the past that I have no right to be upset over. I still feel angry when someone cuts me off in traffic. I still feel shame when something triggers part of my past I haven’t resolved. No matter how many times I try to “look on the bright side,” the dark side finds its way to the surface again.  

I was so confused why growing up I would always see my parents so happy and when I would feel a negative emotion, I didn’t feel like I belonged.  

When my heart began to race, I didn’t realize it was my anxiety, and even if I had realized it… I wouldn’t have been able to cope with it because I didn’t know how. My only knowledge of emotions was that feeling happy is good and feeling sad is not good. 

I kind of found myself in a downward spiral. I was finding myself having more anger, fear, sadness, shame, guilt, and other negative feelings in my life than happy ones. I didn’t want to keep living a life full of anger and resentment so I began doing my research.  

I mentioned above that one of the things I’ve been learning about is physical symptoms of emotions and naming emotions. This was the beginning of starting to understand my emotions better.  

Starting to be able to recognize symptoms of emotions has helped me be able to name them. By naming the emotions in situations when they are about to become overwhelming – it helps me find clarity on why I am feeling that way.  

Examples: 

Emotion named: sadness  
After I name the emotion that I am feeling I try to recognize the physical symptoms: a heavy chest, crying, hunching over, having my lip pout. Then, I reflect on the possibilities that could be causing this sadness. Did something happen today or yesterday that isn’t sitting right with me? Is there a coping mechanism that works best for when I am feeling sad? 

Emotion named: Fear, anxiety, or anger: 
When I recognize my body tense up or feel my body temperature rising there are times that I am able to identify it as anger, anxiety, or fear. I then ask myself again, what happened before this emotion came into play? 

Emotion named: Shame or guilt:  
When I feel my heart sink down to my feet it usually means it is shame, or guilt. I once again become curious as to where this feeling is coming from. What has triggered the feeling of shame? What am I feeling guilty about doing or not doing? 

By digging deep into my emotions, it helps me find the best coping mechanisms. When my emotions aren’t too intense, for instance when I am feeling irritated, guilty, or sad – meditation can help me through those feelings. I know that physical activity helps when my emotions are on a more intense level like when I feel anger, frustration, or fear. 

Most of the time, even when I can name my emotions, I still feel them SO deeply. They feel as though they are going to take me over.  

In cases like this I forget about recognizing the physical symptoms I am having. I don’t notice that my jaw is clenched, or that my heart is racing. I don’t take the time to notice the signs of anger, anxiety, fear, shame, and guilt. I let the emotion take over my body and mind. I shut down. I disassociate. I get cold towards others. I cry. I say harsh things to myself that I wouldn’t say to anyone else.  

The thing is, there will be times when all I can do is feel an emotion and that’s ok. There will be times when I can’t name or identify physical symptoms… and all I can do is scream; it’s okay. Breaking out of old coping mechanisms and habits that have caused me more pain than joy is not an overnight solution. 

Being aware that this journey of exploring my emotions takes time has been a humbling realization that I have made along the way.  

Naming my emotions and noticing physical signs of emotions has helped me a lot. Something else that has helped a lot is feeling and accepting all of my emotions that come up. This has helped me judge less, empathize more, connect to others in a more meaningful way, and find my authentic self again. 

By being able to sit with an emotion for a while it helped me understand it more. By being able to understand it more – I am able to accept it more. 

It’s one thing to be able to name, and recognize emotions. It’s another thing to fully allow myself to feel them and accept them, too. 

The more I was able to accept myself for feeling emotions that I usually tried to avoid, the more I was able to empathize and accept those emotions in others as well. 

Not only expressing my emotions to others, but accepting my emotions more, has been so rewarding. And I don’t mean just the ones that feel good to experience. It has helped me feel more connected, whole, and authentic. To be vulnerable and say to myself “I’m stressed” instead of taking on another project even though I have a million on the go, and be kind to myself and accept it. Or to openly admit to my partner that I am overwhelmed with the laundry, writing, taking care of the dogs, working out, eating healthily, and getting enough sleep – brings me closer to him. It lets him know that I trust him to see me at my worst.  

By taking a step back and reflecting, I was able to realize what emotions I was experiencing and why. The guilt I had when I was unable to write. Or the anger I was experiencing when my guided meditation for creativity wasn’t working. Or the shame I was feeling when I was telling myself I wasn’t knowledgeable or experienced enough to write about emotions. And now that I can name these emotions, I can make the connection to the physical symptoms I was having, too. My heart racing; my fists being clenched; blaming others for how I was feeling; saying harsh things to myself that I wouldn’t say to anyone else; and disassociating myself from not only my partner, but my true self as well. 

I may have only been able to recognize sensation in my body today while I was trying to write BUT… being able to make connections afterwards? That is a HUGE win in my books. It doesn’t matter the order that I do this. I am growing every single day and need to remind myself how far I have come. 

Educating myself on emotions has been amazing. Not only am I getting better at identifying my emotions, I am also getting better at being kinder to myself when I feel down. I work on regulating my emotions often, and I am excited to continue to do so. I’m not an expert by any means – I just know that diving into understanding my emotions better has been one of the best risks I have ever taken. A risk that comes with a reward of feeling more whole, less confused, and more myself. 

I am starting to take control of my emotions instead of them taking control of me. 

Cheers,

K